We all have our limits, be they soft or hard. Not everyone likes spanking. Not everyone enjoys rope. We are all loosely bound by our “nontraditional” sex acts we enjoy and collectively call “kink.”
Despite the fact there is no one kinky activity everyone will enjoy, there are some kinky experiences which all kinky folks should try at some point in their kinky journey. The list of activities includes ways to connect with the community, connect with yourself, and explore the broad and very interesting world of kink.
1. Attend a Munch.
Munches are get-togethers for kinky folks to connect with each other, find out what is going on in their community, and meet new people. They are mostly held in vanilla spaces. VERY VANILLA SPACES. Think I am kidding? I have gone to munches at Denny’s, at an IHOP, at a Mountain Mike’s Pizza, and at local coffee shops.
Find a list of your local munches on Fetlife, Findamunch.com, or even Meetup.com. Almost all munches are attended wearing street ware so no need to dress up. If you are new, it can be useful to message the organizer on social media to let them know you are new and will be at their event. Most munch organizers will be happy to chat and make sure you are welcomed.
2. Attend a local class.
Most kink communities have people with expertise in a variety of kinky play and dynamics. Checking out a local skills or protocol class is fun and will help you connect with your community. Find a list on Fetlife, FindAMunch.com, SubmissiveGuide.com and even EventBrite.com. Classes come in a near infinite variety so choose one which sounds interesting to you.
Depending on the event, you might need to be vetted to attend one in a private dungeon (generally specified in the event announcement). Most will be open to the public. Many will be paid events (covers space rental, speaker can make a little money, sometimes you get swag).
Attending is not only a way to expend your understanding of kink or pick up a new skill, it is also a way to meet other people interested in the same type of activities as you are!
3. Attend a kink/BDSM conference.
Kink and BDSM conferences happen around the world all the time! If you had time and money you could attend one every weekend of the year (I am not exaggerating). They run the gamut from educational events, play parties with social components, healing/spiritual events, submissive or dominant specific, academic or hands-on. You can find something which suits your fancy.
It is something special to travel to a conference, stay in a hotel filled with kinky folks, go to classes, watch performances and attend large play parties. It is a wonderful way to learn from top educators and experience/try out things you have only read about or seen online. It is also a wonderful way to meet hundreds or thousands of folks who are into kink and BDSM.
Conferences can be expensive (though well worth it!). They almost all need volunteers. If you are willing to work a few shifts at registration or room set up or other tasks you can often attend for a discounted or free price. Another option is to volunteer to be a demo bottom for a class. Traveling experts often need a local demo bottom for a class. Many of the conference sites have an option to connect with experts and see if your skills are the ones they are looking for. Demo-ing can be a way to get into a conference for no charge (at least for one day).
4. Read online kink/BDSM blogs.
There are thousands of online kink and BDSM blogs. Many are great ways to learn about kink, power exchange, BDSM, events, and even really great erotica! Kinkly.com maintains a list of sex blogs. You can sort by topic, sexual orientation, and more to find ones which may interest you.
Reading online blogs is a great way to explore the wide world of kink. We do kink in 1,000’s of ways and learning about different perspectives and activities can help you create an approach which best suits you.
5. Buy a custom toy.
Buying a custom toy is a luxury. It feels indulgent and luxurious to pick out the materials, work with an artisan to find the perfect item for you. A handmade leather flogger in the colors you want and the materials you want, a dildo make just to your specifications, a vacuum bag, a leather belt embossed with your initials… all of these will make your scene feel special for you.
Once you have come to find there are activities or toys you love to use regularly in scenes, start looking for people who make those types of toys. Instagram and Twitter has a large number of craftspersons who make custom kink toys. Check out their shops. Chat with them online. Then buy yourself something special.
6. Experience a Tasting Party.
Many dungeons host tasting parties. These are events where a variety of activity experts come together, set up stations and you can try out many different types of kink activities. Working with an expert allows you to see how an activity is done appropriately and safely. Tasting parties allow you to try several activities in a short period of time to see if you have any interest in them.
Tasting parties can seem intimidating at first. A dungeon filled with well-practiced folks all ready to whip you, set you on fire, electrocute you, and put you in a cage can be overwhelming. Keep in mind the folks running these events are there to help you learn and explore an activity and slow and safe manner. Once you get in the room and start talking to people you will relax. It is more like a conference meet up than an Eyes Wide Shut orgy.
7. Write your own erotica.
I know lots of people hate writing or think they can’t write. I myself am dyslexic with nearly 25 years of teachers and professors telling my my writing was awful and I had no talent at it. You are not writing for your critics or anyone else. You are writing this for you so it doesn’t matter if you can’t spell or end a sentence in a preposition. You can even use symbols or shorthand if you prefer.
Writing out a scene you have fantasized about is often very empowering. You will begin to find your erotic voice. You will begin to refine the language you like to use when having sex or in a scene. You may find your writing leads you down paths of fantasy you hadn’t explored before. It may end up being the basis for a scene you have later on. It may just be slipped into a notebook and hidden under you bed. Whatever happens to it, it will be worth writing.
8. Buy a special kink/BDSM/leather piece.
Wearing something special helps empower us and can make us feel sexy. I was talking to our local leather title holder. He and I both worked in politics at the time. I was talking to him about how when I wear my 4″ stilettos it felt empowering, I carried myself differently, and my demeanor changed. I was even comfortable parading around naked as long as I was wearing them.
He revealed he had a special pair of leather riding boots a special partner had made for him. He could walk across a leatherman competition stage in just a jock and the boots and feel powerful and confident. He also wore them while giving legislative testimony under his suit for the same reason!
It might be shoes. It might be a harness. it might be a puppy mask, a special corset, or cat ears. Whatever your special kink identity is, indulge in a great piece of clothing which brings out that kinky person within.
9. Support someone doing kinky education.
Most of us bloggers, educators, and writers are freelancers or have a day job to try and support ourselves. We do kink education because we believe it is important to give voice to kinky folks and provide education to the community. Most of us pay out of pocket to maintain our blog sites, or websites, and our podcasts. We pay out of pocket to attend conferences to teach (many of these are unpaid or only come with nominal fees). We pay for head shots (and other photos), outfits, toys, tools, and more out of pocket. We do this because we believe in serving our communities.
You can support educators in several ways. Buy our books, our merchandise, and our branded materials. Buy a subscription to Patreon accounts. Send cash through FindDom or FansOnly pages. Or just send us cash (My PayPal is paypal.me/AuntieVice).
10. Visit a brick-and-mortar adult toy store/sex shop.
Most sex toy shopping (like so much shopping) is now done online. You can learn a lot from online reviews of toys and some online stores are reputable. However, visiting your local brick and mortar store can be a great experience.
First, find a store. I like clean stores with knowledgeable staff and a good selection of great products. The seedy stores in the warehouse district with cheap plastic toys will not provide the best experience. Check Yelp for reviews of local stores (you may have to travel a bit for a good one).
Visiting a shop will give you a chance to touch the toys you are interested in buying. Educated staff can help guide selections if you are trying a new category of toy. You can find specialized lubes, condoms and gloves- important for those of us with allergies or unusual size needs. Even if you do not buy anything, the experience can be an adventure.
I have a few favorites in the U.S.
Autonomous Love, Sacramento, CA
Babeland, New York City, NY
Good Vibrations, San Francisco, CA
Pleasure Chest, New York City, NY
Sugar, Baltimore, MD
Wicked Grounds, San Francisco, CA (This is a coffee shop and education space primarily, but they do have a toy section and I strongly encourage every kinky person to stop by, enjoy a coffee and check them out when in San Francisco.)
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