Guys, some of us girls have found out your secrets. We know that there are a lot of you who use online dating sites to find Ms. Right Now with little intention of finding Ms. Right. We know you will indicate you want a relationship, you will say lovely things until you get us into bed, then most likely, you will not text again.
Here are a couple of girl secrets. A lot of girls also want Mr. Right Now and really do not want you to text two days after the first (and only) hook-up. We will subtly indicate our willingness for a less-than-serious relationship in our profile status. We will say things like we enjoy kissing, or on our list of 10 things we cannot live without we will include sex or condoms. We will answer the question, “How many dates have to pass before you sleep with someone?” with “1-2.” We will list what we are looking for as dating but not a relationship.
This type of signaling is vastly different that being honest about wanting an open relationship, being poly and being kinky. Sometimes we are the same girls. However poly and open relationships do not translate to “easy” or “DTF.” Kinky does not open the door to ask me to do all sorts of weird stuff you have been watching in porn. Here’s why.
Poly and Open Verses DTF
Girls who identify as poly or wanting open relationships are looking for RELATIONSHIPS. We do not want to be confined to one partner. However, poly and open relationship girls want more than just sex. If all we wanted was to hit-it and quit-it, we would not mention being poly or open.
People who practice openly non-monogamous relationships value communication. We talk to our partners about other people we date. We are generally looking for a second or third partner. The emphasis is partner. We want to go to dinner with you. We want to have conversations with you. We want to know more about you than your size, endurance and openness to safer sex practices. Many of us will eventually have our multiple partners interact with one another in a non-sexual way.
Many vanilla guys and guys not familiar with non-monogamy as a lifestyle mistake poly and open for “easy.” Just because I sleep with more than one person does not mean I sleep with every person who desires to sleep with me. I am looking for a connection with another person. I have to like you before I sleep with you. I want to know you are someone who I would be comfortable having a real conversation with. When a vanilla guy approaches me for sex and nothing more, I will dismiss him outright. If he mentions he is doing this because I am not monogamous, I will send a short reply schooling him on his mistake.
Being non-monogamous does not mean I do group sex. A lot of vanilla guys think non-monogamy equals a chance at a threesome. The reality is, many people in open relationships only have one-on-one sexual encounters. A girl will go out with guy one on Tuesday and guy two on Friday. She will sleep with both of them separately and never do a threesome. Many girls in open relationships have no interest in sleeping with other girls. Non-monogamy is not your pass to a girl-girl-guy night of passion.
Dating a Kinky Girl
Second, I am open about being in the kink community. Yes, I identify as a submissive and I participate in this community. What people not in the kink community fail to realize is that kink is largely non-sexual and relies heavily on trust and relationships. I will indicate my kink association on a regular online dating site because other kinky folks use these sites to meet. If you are not part of this community, I have no interest in exploring kink with you.
Kink and BDSM take education, time and practice. Most cities often have classes and groups that will teach people about kink and BDSM. A lot of what I enjoy about kink and BDSM requires a good amount of practice and skill. I do not want a novice tying me up. Most likely, the novice will not understand issues of pressure points and circulation. They probably will not have a pair of safety scissors in the room. A novice who gags someone probably has not learned to read body language and physical cues well enough to ensure the safety of the gagged person. Therefore, unless you are a known entity in the kink community and we have had several conversations about practice and theory, you are not going to get to do anything kinky.
Guys, you may be interested in learning about kink. That is great! I would encourage that. Kink is like education. If you hold a Ph.D. in a subject, chatting with a college freshman about the topic is pro forma and dull to the Ph.D. The freshman may find the conversation life-altering. The Ph.D. is making a grocery list in their head and trying to remember if they turned off their iron. Kink is the same. As a novice you may find something we do life-altering. For me, I am trying to figure out how I can get a few emails answered without you noticing.
There are a lot of women in the kink and poly communities that complain about guys who approach them on vanilla dating sites with assumptions that they are an easy lay. There are way too many guys who get angry and insulting when they are turned down. This will only lead to us blocking you from accessing our profile.
If you are actually interested in dating a girl in an open relationship or a kinky girl, approach them like they were any other girl. Have a few conversations about what she wants from the guy she connects with online. If you are interested in trying kink, bring up your interest and be willing to have a few conversations and go to some community events before you are ever allowed to try something that is vaguely BDSM related.
If you are just looking for Ms. Tonight, stick to the girls who say they are looking for dating, will consider sleeping with someone in 1-2 dates, and they cannot live without sex. You will offend fewer people and up your chances of getting what you want.