In many, many ways I am a nerd. I am an academic and still default to researching and citing everything. I love a well-organized data set. I send survey people comments about the construction of their questions and why they can’t possibly get good data with them. I can code in Stata. And I am damn proud of those skills.
I am not the only nerdy person into kink and BDSM. In fact, there are a vast number of kinky people who are also really, really smart. The Venn diagram between “high intellect” and “kinky” is super tight. I know more kinky academics than any other group.
So, why are smart people so into kink? There is some vague research on this, but anecdotally, I suspect the connection is that kink takes thought, planning, continual learning, and communication. People who are pre-disposed to like reading, research, skill training, and have a deep need to explore the unknown are drawn to both academics and kink.
The more I have been out and talked to people about kink and BDSM, the more I have gotten use to the phrase, “Wow! That seems like so much work!” and “I do not have the creativity to do that.” Its true. Planning a good scene, coming up with new things, learning new stuff takes brain space. We are not born knowing how to throw a flogger, or where it is okay to hit someone with a cane, or how to light someone on fire. If you just fumble about with this, you won’t develop the necessary skills. If you don’t read, watch and explore sexuality, you won’t know all your options.
Good kink demands education and practice. Skills classes are both desired and well-attended in most communities. Whip groups will meet weekly to practice their skills. Rope people love suspension classes and knot tying videos. Humiliation players research new and unique ways to humiliate their partners. We find this fun.
Kink also requires curiosity. Many people are satisfied with a few basic sex acts in their rotation. I am confounded by couples who save blow jobs for special occasions – but there are more than a few who do this. For me, and for many kinky people, part of the fun is expanding their repertoire of skills and trying new things. It takes some brain power to do that.
You don’t have to be a genius to do good kink. You do have to be thoughtful and willing to learn. So, crack a book, read a web discussion, listen to a podcast, watch a video… do something. If you are at a loss for where to look next, check out my resources page.