Immediacy is valued by many. We want what we want and we want it now! The whole concept of delayed gratification has become nearly non-existent for many of us. We post to social media and then check our sites incessantly to see who has liked, re-posted, and replied to our comment or photo. We have problems with diets where you only lose a pound or two a week because seeing progress is too slow. We want to buy online and have it delivered the same day because we can’t wait for whatever we just bought.
Kinky folks tend to want sex and D/s dynamics right away. The longer I have been in the scene, the more I have seen this develop. Whether its the influx of newbies, Millennials, or just a cultural shift, the demand for an instant dynamic is much more apparent.
The thing is, D/s and M/s is not an instant thing. We all have different motivations for wanting a power dynamic. We all have different needs in a relationship. We all need time to figure out a new partner. There is no way to know this within hours or days of meeting someone.
The reality of D/s and M/s is that every relationship is different. Asking your d-type or your s-type to be just like your last relationship is a way to guarantee failure. After all, you are not with that last person so why would you want your next relationship to be the same?
As much as you may think you have met the great love of your life, you will both benefit by slowing it down a bit. Take some time to get to know one another. Don’t know how to start? Here are 36 questions you should probably ask at the beginning of any kink relationship:
- Tell me your kinky origins story.
- How did you discover BDSM?
- If you are relatively new to BDSM/kink what are your expectations and beliefs about these types of relationships?
- What does power exchange look like in your ideal world?
- Does sex have to be part of a BDSM scene for you to make it fulfilling?
- Do you feel shame or embarrassment about your desires?
- What does topping/Domming/bottoming/subbing give you? Why do you like it?
- How do you learn about kink/BDSM and power exchange?
- Is it important to you to be visible/out with your kink?
- Do you have a set of kinky friends?
- How do you feel about bringing third parties into a relationship?
- Tell me one of your kinky fantasies.
- What do you expect out of a partner?
- Do you want to engage in power exchange outside of a scene?
- Do you like playing in public play spaces? Why or Why Not?
- Did you/Do you have a mentor in the kink community?
- What areas do you think it is okay to engage in power exchange?
- What would never be okay with you?
- Do you believe that someone can engage in complete power exchange? Does that appeal to you?
- How many relationships have you had that involved kink/BDSM consciously?
- Would you/have you ever given up the use of a safe word?
- Why didn’t your last relationship work out?
- What does your relationship with your parents look like?
- Are you comfortable being single?
- Are there any kinks or fetishes that you need to practice on a regular basis?
- What makes you feel safe in a relationship?
- What makes you feel worthless or unsafe in a relationship?
- What role does punishment have in a D/s or M/s relationship?
- How do you like to handle conflict in a relationship?
- How do you take care of yourself in a relationship?
- Would you be okay with your parents knowing about your kinky or D/s relationship?
- Who are your kink and relationship role models?
- Is it okay to laugh during a kink scene? When or what context?
- Tell me about a time your kink scene went wrong.
- What was the last thing you masturbated too?
- What do you worry about in a sexual relationship?
Download the questions here: