My Body, The Asshole

I have written before in this blog about living with and engaging in power exchange relationships while living with a mental illness. I have bipolar I disorder and have lived with it since I was about 11 years old. I have learned to cope with it and manage it. I am not thrilled I have it and would cure it in a second if that were possible. For now, its just part of me and is at a point it doesn’t really interfere with my life.

I am not so accepting of physical disabilities. Until I was 40 (just under three years ago) I was very physically active and pretty healthy for my age. I was a gym rat despite what my body looked like. I love being outdoors and hiking and kayaking and all of that. Then I got sick. I got so sick I had to leave my 9 to 5 job because most days of the month getting out of bed for 6 hours was a challenge.

I spent three years trying to figure out what the hell was wrong. Turns out, I have Lupus. It is an autoimmune disease where your body turns its antibodies on your healthy tissue and starts treating your own body like a foreign invader. Its manageable but not curable. And I will be honest, having a chronic physical condition sucks way more than a mental health issue!

I am a pain slut. I have been since I was very young. I love it. I get off on it. I pride myself in the ability to take a good beating and still climax. Having a physical condition that puts me out of commission is taking a toll.

Being physically unable to do things I know I can do when I am healthy is maddening. My pain tolerance has changed. My ability to fuck for hours on end has changed. My response to breath control has changed. It is devastating.

Who I was as a sexual person has to be completely reconfigured because of a condition I can only moderately control. It is something that is hard to explain to a partner. “No honey, I can’t give you a 30 minute blow job tonight because my jaw simply cannot tolerate the stress,” is both mortifying and makes me feel like a failure because I COULD do that when this damn condition is under control.

I hear other people in the community say things like, “You have to be patient with yourself,” and “You need to accept your body for what it CAN do.” Honestly, I am still pretty pissed that my own body has sabotaged who I am.

I know there are plenty of you kinky people out there who live with chronic physical conditions. I am thrilled you come out to play spaces and play and socialize.  I respect those of you who have spoken up about living with various conditions and accepting what that means for you. I wish I could get that that point.

#bdsm #lupus #kink #identity #illness #physical #disability #mentalillness #bipolar

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