You receive messages about sex and sexuality your entire live. From the media you watch, listen to, and read, to how your parents discussed sex and sexuality, to what friends say, you learn all sorts of stuff about sexuality. While some of this information can be helpful, much of it is biased, heternormative, and culturally biased.
You take in messages about sex and sexuality and even when you don’t want them to, and then they shape your behavior and beliefs. This blog covers common beliefs about sex and sexuality and how to combat them!
Climaxing at the same time is not realistic.
Movies and romance novels often make it seem like a mutual climax is the goal of a sexual encounter. In reality, this type of climax rarely happens. People are aroused at different speeds. What brings one partner to climax often does not being the other partner to climax (regardless of genders). Trying to synchornize your climaxes will often result in distracted and frustrating sex (or worse, one partner will feel pressure to fake an orgasm).
Rather than trying to climax at the same time, practice enjoying the encounter and being present for your partner. Additionally, remember that a climax does not mean sex has to stop! If one person reaches climax, you can both still engage in sex. You have hands, a mouth, toys, and so does your partner. Use them until you both enjoy an orgasm.
You Don’t Have to Be Pretty to Deserve Great Sex
It is rare to see older people, disabled folks, fat people, or anyone who is not young, thing, and abled-bodied having hot sex in the movies or a romance novel. Many of us internalize this subtle messaging and believe that if we are not thin, young, and beautiful, we do not deserve great sex.
Everyone deserves hot and consensual sex! You do not have to settle for a partner who does not celebrate you and your body. You do not have to sleep with whoever says yes to sleeping with you. If you do not desire the other person, you can say no. If the person you are sleeping with makes you feel bad about yourself, you can stop sleeping with them. If you are avoiding sex because you are worried about the way you look, you are working your way out of the sex you deserve.
Your Desires Are Not Weird
The type of sexuality and relationship styles represented in most media are very limited. Fetishes, non-monogamy, group sex and more is often represented as “weird,” or “perverted,” or “bad.” You internalize these messages and it makes you feel awkward about your own desires.
Most people are kinkier than we talk about with others. Fully 40 percent of adults report enjoying being spanked in bed. Even larger numbers enjoy being tied-up, blindfolded, and taked dirty too in bed. Even the more unusual fetished – piss play, sucking on toes, forced feminization – still are enjoyed by a large number of people. Whatever you wnat to do sexually is a shared desire with others!
Rather than chastize yourself and worry that you are ‘not normal,’ take that energy to learn about your desires. Take a class about your interest. Read blogs and books about it. Connect with others online or in person who enjoy the same thing you do!
Your Identity Terms Should Not Limit you
You have ways you describe you identities: LGBTQ, submissive, dominant, top, pet, baby girl, vanilla, polyamorous, and more! It is wonderful to find you that there are words which describe your desires. It can feel like you finally cound a language that frees you. This can be wonderful!
However, you may fall into a trap of restricting your sexuality to what you thing a word means. You might identify as a submissive and then decide you can not engage in certain sexual behaviores because they are not ‘submissive.’ You might identify as polyamorous and therefore you avoid pursuing a relationship you desire because the person is not part of the polyam community.
How you identify should help you connect with other people and help you feel good about yourself. There is no “right” way to be be a submissive, or a dominant, or polyamorous, or bisexual. If you find yourself avoiding activities because they don’t fit your idea of what the identity means, you need to be gentle with yourself. Remember, there is no “real” way to be submissive, dominant, a switch, bisexual, queer or anyting else.
Sex Is Not Just Penetration
Thanks to our heteronormative society and bad high school sex education, you probably believe sex involves penetration. Sex is actually much broader than just penetrating someone. If genitals are involved, its sex.
Working on unlearning the “sex is penetration” myth is freeing! It allows you to see your sexuality as a much broader activity. Accepting a broader definition of sex can open up what you do, how you choses to climax, and how you feel about a partner.
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