I’m a proud slut! This is an earned title. Luckily, my slutty days began prior to the invention of social media so I got to make more private mistakes. Today, social media can be a landmine in the kink world and your social circles if you are an unethical ho. Knowing how to navigate the terraine and be ethical while getting in on is critical.
It is probably a bit more critical to be ethical when sleeping around in the kink world than in the general population. Kinky people network and talk. If you screw over too many people, you will find yourself black listed for dating and hook-ups. With the internet, your reputation can follow you even as you relocate. Here are practical tips for being ethical and slutty!
Be Honest About Your Intentions
There is nothing wrong with just wanting a bit of pick up play or a one night stand. People get into trouble when they are not honest about this intention. If you hook up with someone and they believe this has the possibility of a relationship and you do not clarify this, you are being deceptive.
Consent to play requires that someone is fully aware of the potential risks involved and the scope of play. If you lie about wanting a longer term connection, they cannot legitimately consent. They are now unaware of the scope of play (one time only). There is no way to be an ethical kinky slut and lie about why you want to play. So be honest. This is casual. You don’t want to connect after this one time.There are plenty of folks who will be down for that. Allow others who are not to opt out of the scene before it starts.
Be Honest about STIs and Other Health Issues
If you have a communicable disease- STIs, COVID, a cold, or anything else which can be transmitted throug sexual contact- disclose this. With the rise of COVID, people are more concerned about communicable diseases than we have been collectively for the last decade. If you do not know your status, be honest about that too. Do not lie if you “think you are okay.”
Casual hook-ups means you do not necessarily know who your play partner is going home too. They may have kids, partners with health conditions, or living with elderly parents where respitory illnesses may be much more serious than it is to you. They may have a partner they are fluid bonded with and need to know the risks of sleeping with you to make a decision that involves more than the two of you.
If you have not recently been tested for STIs, get tested. There are lots of options! The FindCondoms app (available for android and iPhones) allows you to put in your zip code and find the closest free STI testing sites and where you can find FREE condoms and other safer sex materials. You can ask your primary care doctor for STI tests. You can also order your own STI tests through a variety of companies. I provide a review of these options and discount codes on my Review page.
In negotiaing the scene, whether it is pick-up play, a private hook-up, or other type of connection, you will have discussed some sort of limits. This may be as simple as what type of birth control/STI prevention you will use or as elaborate as the details of a long and complicated scene. Stay within the boundaries you discussed.
A casual partner is not the right person to decide to push their boundaries. They are not the person to introduce new play in the middle of a scene that was not previously agreed to. Stay between the lines with these types of connections.
If you do accidentally trip over a trigger or boundary you had not previously discussed, stop play. Apologize. Address what happened. If your boundary was accidently overstepped, acknowledge it and understand this was an accident.
If a boundary was purposely violated, you need to address that too. This may be leaving marks when you had agreed to no mark. It can be more serious such as sexual assault or rape. In the case of assualt and/or rape, take the actions you feel most comfortable with. This may be reporting the person to the police, seeking medical care, and/or documenting it for the event organizer or dungeon owner where the transgression happened. It is not “stirring up drama” to report sexual assualt or rape to the police or dungeon/event staff.
Keep the Drama Off Social Media
When you have had a hook-up, whether it was great or awful, there is no need to out your partner on social media. Unless you have discussed about posting about the scene on social media, it is best to assume they don’t want you posting the details of your event for the world to see.
If you choose to post a vague account of the hook-up, make sure it is vague enough to hide the other person’s identity. If you post information which can allow friends to sort out who you are talking about, this is not being vague enough. Details about a person can make them very identifiable. For exmple, I am six feet tall, submissive and heavily tattooed. Mentioning that and the area I live in narrows it down to me and… me. Honor the other person’s privacy.
This includes refraining from posting images of the scene. Even if you took the images consensually, do not post unless you have explicit permission from the person to post the images.
Don’t Ghost People
After you hook up, you have to continue to be ethical. If your former partner texts you (or calls, or DM’s) don’t ignore them. Instead, send a reply. If you are not interested in seeing them again, say that. Say that in clear, unabmiguous language. Rely along the lines of, “Thanks for the fun scene. I am not interested in pursuing a friendship or other connection at this time.” While this may make for a hurt feeling in the moment, it is much less painful for the other party than ghosting them.
If someone is ghosting you, get the hint. You cannot control other people’s behavior. If you have sent a couple of messages and have not heard back from them, the signal is pretty clear. Don’t continue to message this person hoping for a response. Chalk it up to them being immature and move on.
Being slutty can be fun and rewarding. If this is for you, be mature about it. Get tested for STIs regularly. Disclose communicable diseases to partners. Be honest about your intentions. Do not ghost people. It is simple, but requires you to be honest (which can be hard at times). Enjoy and be safe!
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