Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn.

Then always be a unicorn.

~ RuPaul

This site began as a book promotion site for the book by the same title. Over time it evolved into a blog about gender, sexuality, BDSM, and identity. I have been part of the kink community for three decades now, discovering it when I was 13. It has been essential to my sexuality and identity and has shaped how I understand the world.

I identify as an agender, bisexual, non-monogamous, service submissive. I am also a feminist, a scholar, an activist, and a damn fine cook.

Why Do I Openly Identify as Kinky?

When I was eleven, I saw the documentary The Life and Times of Harvey Milk. Since then, Harvey has been a hero of mine. Years before he was assassinated, he stated that he wished the bullet that would kill him would blow off every closet door. That changed me. I came out as bisexual at 14 (pansexual is closer to what I am, but was not an option as an identity at the time). I spent years fighting for gay rights and still do. But I also believe other hidden communities should have a voice. I reached a point in my life where I could take the risk and come out as kinky, so I did.

Kink and BDSM still frighten many people. There are really awful misconceptions about this community. Identifying as kinky or as non-monogamous still serves as a legal reason to challenge custody of children and can threaten people’s employment and ability to get health care. Its a community which needs a voice. I decided that I needed to be one of the people who provide that voice.

There are many kink-identified people who proceeded me and many who will follow who will make important contributions to kink and the larger world. I am grateful for the people who proceeded me. I hope I can make the path for those who follow easier than mine has been.

The Books

I now have two books out about kink and BDSM. Love Letters to a Unicorn is a collection of essays about what kink can bring to all relationships. It focuses on the relationship and psychological aspects of kink.

The Big Workbook for Submissives grew out of the class I teach called “Deepening Your Submission.” I found people who had been practicing submission for a while were looking for ways to expand their practices. I created the workbook to help people of all genders and sexual orientations explore what submission means to them.


I teach a number of classes about submission and power exchange. While I had been quite active with my teaching schedule, I have had to significantly cut back due to illness. If I reach a point of wellness where I can recommit to teaching, I will post a list of courses I have developed.


  1. I thought I was leaving this as a comment, and instead it says I sent a message. Which I didn’t know was possible on here. So, here’s the copy/paste in case the message was really a mirage. 🙂

    The book you are working on now sounds incredibly fascinating! If you ever are looking for some other people’s stories for information or whatnot, feel free to email me at anotheranonymousoutsider@gmail.com. Rape play barely scratches the surface of the taboo play that I enjoy and engage in, and I’m an open book who loves to get to know other kinkster’s who appreciate the intellectual side of BDSM. Thanks for an interesting read!


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