Always be yourself. Unless you can be a unicorn.
Then always be a unicorn.
This Love Letters blog was originally started to showcase the book Love Letters to a Unicorn: A book about kink, bdsm, and non-monogamy. I released that publication in February 2015. Since then, I have continued to write about the great number of topics which fall under those areas. I read a lot of work about sex, bdsm, identity, and kink. There are thousands of good books, articles, and blogs about these topics. However, I have found that much of this work lacks the voice of a submissive and a feminist.
I identify as an agendered, pansexual, non-monogamous, service submissive. I am also a feminist, a scholar, an activist, and a damn fine cook. I wrote Love Letters to provide a voice for sumbissives and explain what I have found as the benefits of being in the kink community. I am currently working on my second project, Taboo: Talking about Forbidden Sexualities. This work explores the less often discussed ideas of agendered people, asexual people, sexual growth and discovery for people over 55, and more taboo kinks like race and rape play.
Kink has its own culture just like queer culture. We have our community centers, our education spaces, our literature, our history, our music, our ways of moving through the world. Like any community, we have things that are very valuable to contribute to greater society and there are parts of our culture which need to grow and change. This blog provides some of my thoughts about what kink can contribute to the world and what we need to change as a community.
Why Do I Openly Identify as Kinky?
When I was eleven, I saw the documentary The Life and Times of Harvey Milk. Since then, Harvey has been a hero of mine. Years before he was assassinated, he stated that he wished the bullet that would kill him would blow off every closet door. That changed me. I came out as bisexual at 14 (pansexual is closer to what I am, but was not an option as an identity at the time). I spent years fighting for gay rights and still do. But I also believe other hidden communities should have a voice. I reached a point in my life where I could take the risk and come out as kinky, so I did.
Kink and BDSM still frighten many people. There are really awful misconceptions about this community. Identifying as kinky or as non-monogamous still serves as a legal reason to challenge custody of children and can threaten people’s employment and ability to get health care. Its a community which needs a voice. I decided that I needed to be one of the people who provide that voice.
There are many kink-identified people who proceeded me and many who will follow who will make important contributions to kink and the larger world. I am grateful for the people who proceeded me. I hope I can make the path for those who follow easier than mine has been.
Love Letters to a Unicorn is a thoughtful book about the kink and bdsm life from a first person perspective. Much of what is portrayed in the mass media about bdsm and kink both misrepresents what people in the life actually experience and why embracing the values of the kink community is critical to so many people.
I have been a member of the kink community for more than 20 years. I am a submissive. I have been in a variety of open relationships over the course of her adult life. She is bisexual. She is also an ardent feminist working for significant political and social change.
Many people not in the life think that bdsm and kink is simply something that people do to “spice things up” in the bedroom. Millions of people have tried things like blind folds, pink fuzzy handcuffs, and other things that border on kink play. What is missing in most of these interactions is the concept and practice of power exchange and domination or submission. People in kink come to understand that much of what makes kink so valuable to them is that it can become an entire way of interacting with partners and allows for power exchange and personal dynamics to change in a way that makes all participants happy.
Love Letters explores what that power exchange looks like and documents how it is experienced by the author. The book also explores questions about the co-existence of feminism and submission, how kink values could transform America’s rape culture, why a kinky approach to sex and sex education is healthier, and why not all porn is bad. Finally, the book contains a number of love letters from the author to her partner in an alternative relationship.
Unlike most books about kink and bdsm, Love Letters is neither an erotic novel nor is it a “how-to” book about domination and submission. Love Letters provides the reader insight about the kink community and answers questions that both vanilla folks and kinksters struggle to answer.