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bdsm, consent, dating, dominance, kink, power, relatinships, Submission, tips

What Can You Do If You Disagree with Your Dominant?

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One of the most difficult issues of being a submissive or other s-type is having a disagreement with your dominant. Power exchange relationships often include agreements about areas of power where the dominant gets final decision control. Finding yourself at odds with thier decisions in one of these areas can be emotionally taxing for a submissive.

Finding a way to express your concerns and disagreements without violating the relationship dynamic is a common challenge for many of us. Here are some tips and tools for navigating disagreements with your dominant and remaining true to your dynamic.

It’s a Matter of Respect

Kindness, trust, and honesty are often the virtues cited as the most important for long term relationships. In a power exchange dynamic, these are important. Respect often trumps these other values. A submissive must be able to respect their dominant’s decision if they are to remain in the dynamic.

Respect is key in a power exchange relationship because if you cannot respect a dominant’s decision making, you cannot feel safe, cannot trust them to protect you, and cannot release control over areas where you do no respect them.

When you have a deep disagreement about an issue or behavior, framing your concern as a matter of respect can be useful. Telling a D-type they are wrong or refusing to go along with their decisions may not fit within the relationship dynamic. Talking about being able to respect your partner often will fit the dynamic.

Try framing your concerns as:

“I respect your right to make this decision. However, I am concerned that you are not considering…”

“I respect you. However, it feels like you are not respecting my [emotions, thoughts, understanding] of this issue. Can we discuss it?”

“I respect you and your right to make this decision. However, I am having a hard time understanding how you came to this logic. Can you help me understand?”

“While I respect our dynamic, this on-going decision to engage in [behavior at question] it is making it more difficult to trust and respect that you have my safety [feelings, needs] as a priority. We need to figure this out before it hurts our relationship.”

This type of framing continues to recognize and honor your dynamic while still addressing your concerns.

Are You Willing to Die on This Hill?

We will never been in perfect alignment with our partners on all decisions. However, there are issues worth engaging in conflict and those which are not worth it. Just because you have a disagreement about something, does not mean it is worth fighting over.

When you negotiate power exchange, you are not perfectly aware of how that will play out. Depending on your personality, your partner, and both of your preferences, there are chances that you will not negotiate about something which is acutally important to you.

When it comes to smaller issues, make the decision if it is something worth renegotiating or addressing. For example, if you negotaite power exchange over housework and your dominant prefers dishes loaded in a specific way and you have a differing opinion, make the decision if this is worth discussing and renegotiating. Keep in mind, it is the grain of sand in your shoe which bothers you more than the journey. If you really hate the way they want something done, it might be worth discussing.

Request Time to Discuss Your Dynamic and Issues

If you have not already set up regular times to review and talk about your relationship and dynamic, request to set up a time. Work out an agreement about how you both come to this space for discussion. For some people, the agreement is that they come as equals. For others, there are protocols for the submissive to raise an issue. In either case, establishing a regular time and space to talk about the relationship can help create a way to address concerns.

#submission #dominance #powerexchange #BDSM #negotiation #relationship #longtermrelationships #disagreements #respect

bdsm, consent, culture, dating, dominance, identity, intimacy, kink, LGBT, non-monogamy, Preceptions, psychology, relatinships, sexuality, Submission, tips

5 Common Beliefs Which Undermine Your Sex Life

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You receive messages about sex and sexuality your entire live. From the media you watch, listen to, and read, to how your parents discussed sex and sexuality, to what friends say, you learn all sorts of stuff about sexuality. While some of this information can be helpful, much of it is biased, heternormative, and culturally biased.

You take in messages about sex and sexuality and even when you don’t want them to, and then they shape your behavior and beliefs. This blog covers common beliefs about sex and sexuality and how to combat them!

Climaxing at the same time is not realistic.

Movies and romance novels often make it seem like a mutual climax is the goal of a sexual encounter. In reality, this type of climax rarely happens. People are aroused at different speeds. What brings one partner to climax often does not being the other partner to climax (regardless of genders). Trying to synchornize your climaxes will often result in distracted and frustrating sex (or worse, one partner will feel pressure to fake an orgasm).

Rather than trying to climax at the same time, practice enjoying the encounter and being present for your partner. Additionally, remember that a climax does not mean sex has to stop! If one person reaches climax, you can both still engage in sex. You have hands, a mouth, toys, and so does your partner. Use them until you both enjoy an orgasm.

You Don’t Have to Be Pretty to Deserve Great Sex

It is rare to see older people, disabled folks, fat people, or anyone who is not young, thing, and abled-bodied having hot sex in the movies or a romance novel. Many of us internalize this subtle messaging and believe that if we are not thin, young, and beautiful, we do not deserve great sex.

Everyone deserves hot and consensual sex! You do not have to settle for a partner who does not celebrate you and your body. You do not have to sleep with whoever says yes to sleeping with you. If you do not desire the other person, you can say no. If the person you are sleeping with makes you feel bad about yourself, you can stop sleeping with them. If you are avoiding sex because you are worried about the way you look, you are working your way out of the sex you deserve.

Your Desires Are Not WeirD

The type of sexuality and relationship styles represented in most media are very limited. Fetishes, non-monogamy, group sex and more is often represented as “weird,” or “perverted,” or “bad.” You internalize these messages and it makes you feel awkward about your own desires.

Most people are kinkier than we talk about with others. Fully 40 percent of adults report enjoying being spanked in bed. Even larger numbers enjoy being tied-up, blindfolded, and taked dirty too in bed. Even the more unusual fetished – piss play, sucking on toes, forced feminization – still are enjoyed by a large number of people. Whatever you wnat to do sexually is a shared desire with others!

Rather than chastize yourself and worry that you are ‘not normal,’ take that energy to learn about your desires. Take a class about your interest. Read blogs and books about it. Connect with others online or in person who enjoy the same thing you do!

Your Identity Terms Should Not Limit you

You have ways you describe you identities: LGBTQ, submissive, dominant, top, pet, baby girl, vanilla, polyamorous, and more! It is wonderful to find you that there are words which describe your desires. It can feel like you finally cound a language that frees you. This can be wonderful!

However, you may fall into a trap of restricting your sexuality to what you thing a word means. You might identify as a submissive and then decide you can not engage in certain sexual behaviores because they are not ‘submissive.’ You might identify as polyamorous and therefore you avoid pursuing a relationship you desire because the person is not part of the polyam community.

How you identify should help you connect with other people and help you feel good about yourself. There is no “right” way to be be a submissive, or a dominant, or polyamorous, or bisexual. If you find yourself avoiding activities because they don’t fit your idea of what the identity means, you need to be gentle with yourself. Remember, there is no “real” way to be submissive, dominant, a switch, bisexual, queer or anyting else.

Sex Is Not Just Penetration

Thanks to our heteronormative society and bad high school sex education, you probably believe sex involves penetration. Sex is actually much broader than just penetrating someone. If genitals are involved, its sex.

Working on unlearning the “sex is penetration” myth is freeing! It allows you to see your sexuality as a much broader activity. Accepting a broader definition of sex can open up what you do, how you choses to climax, and how you feel about a partner.

#sex #sexuality #kink #bdsm #penetration #climax #orgasm #lgbtq #identity #submissive #dominant #polyamourous #freedom #ImproveYourSexLife

anxiety, bdsm, connection, dating, dominance, intimacy, kink, Language, newbie, power, psychology, relatinships, service, Submission, tips

BDSM Beyond the Bedroom

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If you are new-ish to kink you may be under the impression that power exchange and kink are specifically for sex and intimate play time. Its easy to get that impression with the way BDSM is portrayed in the wider media.

However, for many people, power exchange and kink go beyond sex and intimate play. It is a way to structure relationships, affirm identities, and maintain connections with partners.

How Do I Know if BDSM Beyond the Bedroom is Right for Me?

If you have been enjoying power exchange during sex and intimacy, you may want to consider taking it to the next level. To get a sense if this type of relationship will work for you, ask yourself these questions.

  • Do I enjoy being told what to do/telling someone what to do?
  • Do I want to affirm my identity as a submissive or dominant more than just in the bedroom?
  • Does my kinky play feel more intimate or powerful than the rest of my relationship?
  • Am I in a long distance relationship?
  • Does my partner need help getting into the kinky headspace for play?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, consider engaging in kink outside the bedroom.

Protocols

Protocols are rituals or rules a couple establishes. They can cover anything from clothing choice to personal grooming, body positions to speech and much more! The purpose of protocols multifaceted. They can help someone enter a headspace for play or other interactions. They can help affirm identities. They can help reduce anxiety. They can improve intimacy.

Because protocols are so varied, you will need to start with an area you are comfortable either giving over control or taking control over (depending on what side of the slash you are on). Below is a list of general areas and subsets of areas for protocols to consider:

Physical: Grooming, Clothing, Body Positioning, Food

Sexual: Partners, Kink Activities, Remote- Control Toys, Orgasm Control

Time: Limits on screen time or gaming time, amount of time spent with partner, exercise or meditation requirements, time spent with others

Financial: How money is spent, amount of control over discretionary spending, access to funds

Family: Child-rearing; time with parents, in-laws and other family; religious choice and practice; holidays; disclosure of kink/power exchange relationships

Choose one small subset where you feel comfortable giving over control and your partner is comfortable taking control. Start small.

For example, if you want to give over control of what you wear, you may want to start with your partner dictating date night apparel. Another simple area to control is choice of undergarments. Try this for a few weeks to see if it works for both of you. Set up at time limit and a time and place to discuss how the protocol worked for you.

Language

Honorifics are common in power exchange and kinky play. Calling someone Sir, Master, Madame, or Mistress is often part of kink play. Many people limit the use of these terms to either intimate play or when you are with community members.

You can extend this type of power exchange beyond community events. I suggest you spend some time thinking through how your honorific will be received by others not in the kink community. While calling a male dominant Sir is often widely accepted outside the kink world as simply being deferential, calling a female dominant Mistress is received differently.

You and your partner may be comfortable using your regular honorifics outside the kink community. However, if you are not, look for alternative ways to show respect and deference. Some people opt for using a Mr. or Mrs. and last name outside the kink scene. This is often more acceptable when you are with work friends or family.

Body Position Behavior

Another way people incorporate kink and power exchange into their wider relationship is to discuss where they are in relationship to their partner. This can include who walks in front and who walks behind; who is responsible for opening doors; asking for permission to sit, use the bathroom, or other similar behaviors.

These types of behaviors are subtle and rarely noticed by people not in the kink community. For situations where you and a partner might want to be very subtle about your dynamic, developing non-verbal signals such as hand motions, can be useful.

Growing Your Kink

As with any behavior change, these things will take time. People will make mistakes, forget rules or protocols, or simply be too uncomfortable in situations to continue the established behavior. In these instances, it is important to talk about what happened and see if either the protocol needs to be altered or enforced.

Keep in mind, not everything you try will work for you. It is okay to say something is not working (or no longer working) and ask to change it.

Additionally, as people grow and change, there will need to be updates to these behavioral requirements. For example, if the dominant is the person who opens doors becomes physically incapable of this due to disability, short term broken arm, or the like, the protocol may need to be altered. If a submissive develops arthritis, they may not be able to kneel for extended periods of time and alternative positions will need to be explored.

The great thing about kink is we have a lot of alternatives and ways of showing our commitment and passion for a partner. Take some time to explore behaviors beyond the bedroom and focus on how they make you feel.

If you want to explore these behaviors more in depth, check out my class on Saturday, August 21 at 12 PM PST through Black-Thorn.org.

#protocol #rules #rituals #BDSM #kink #beyondthebedroom #sex #intimacy #relationships #connection #PowerExchange

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7 Tips When You Are New to Kink

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Whether you personally are new to kink, or you are dating someone new to kink, it is an exciting time filled with fun and learning! It can also be intimidating, scary, and overwhelming. Knowing what to do, where to go, and where good resources are can be hard to figure out and find.

Here are seven tips for the new kinkster to help you find kink that works for you!

I. There is No “Right Way” to do Kink

Kink is personal. This means your kink can look the way you want it too and does not have to be like anybody else’s. Kink is a journey (it can be a lifelong one) and evolves over time. Avoid any self-induced pressure to “do kink right” because you read about it in a book or saw something in a movie. Do what feels right to you.

Avoid people who believe there is only “one right way to do kink.” These folks are known as “One twu way-ers.” People like this insist that ALL submissives do kink the same and ALL dominants do it the same. They tend to be abusive and dangerous. Experienced kinky players know that while an individual has a preferred way of doing kink, they don’t hold the key to the “one true way.”

II. Get Information From Different Sources

Don’t rely on just one blog, one author, one teacher, or one person to guide your kinky journey. The more you read, listen, and talk to people who do kinky stuff, the more likely you are to find resources and folks who resonate with the way you want to do kink! For a vetted list of resources, check out my BDSM Resource List.

III. Go To A Munch

A munch is a kinky get-together. Generally they are held in vanilla spots like a coffee house, back room at a Denny’s or IHOP, or local restaurant. People wear street clothes and there is no kinky play. This is a low-risk, open event and a great way to ease into your local kink community. People socialize and get to know each other and you can come and go as you please.

Munches can be found on the Fetlife event page (search “Munches” and “Near Me”). Many are also listed on the BDSMEventsPage and EroBay (for Northern CA).

If you are planning on going to a munch for the first time, it is useful to contact the event coordinator to let them know you are new and will be attending. Use the contact form or message the person listed as the event coordinator on Fetlife. Introduce yourself and let them know you will be attending their event for the first time. A good coordinator will keep an eye out for new people and introduce themselves and one or two other people to get the ball rolling.

IV. Try a Tasting Event

Many kinky play spaces offer “tasting” events. These are events where different experts in various forms of kinky play will be demonstrating their skills. You can go from station to station at the event and watch, talk to the presenter, and try various kinky play options. It is a great way to get good information and hands-on experience to types of play you are interested in or unfamiliar with.

Fetlife and BDSMEventsPage often list tasting events. Check out the pages to find out if anything is going on near you.

Before you go, read the event announcement for any fees, participation requirements, and dress codes. People hosting tasting events realize many newer players will be there and try to make sure all the rules are clear so that people will be comfortable when they come to the event.

V. Take a Class

There are now hundreds of classes a week offered around the world for kink! Between online events and in-person events, people everywhere have access to some sort of BDSM class. I strongly recommend taking a consent/negotiation 101 type of class if you are new to kink. This will familiarize you with consent requirements, basic safety, and how to ask for what you want in a safe way.

Wicked Grounds offers BDSM 101 on a nearly weekly basis now! The class is online and can be accessed by anyone. Check out their class list for upcoming times.

VI. Splurge on a Cool Toy

Whenever I play with an experienced kinky person, I feel like the Joker in Batman asking, “Where’d he get all those cool toys!” Kink comes with accessories and I love that about it!

When you start getting into kink, you will be drawn to some specific aspects of it. It may be impact play with all the whips, paddles, floggers and spanky things. It could be the corsets or leather pants or latex skirts. It might be all the cool dildoes and butt plugs. Whatever it is, splurge on something you fancy!

While you can get inexpensive toys on Amazon, a lot of these are poorly made or rip-offs of high-end producers. Spending the extra money to get yourself something well-made is worth it. The item will last longer, perform better, and support artisans and not corporations. For a list of vetted vendors, check out my BDSM Resource List.

VII. Make a Fetlife Profile

Full disclosure: I have issues with a lot of Fetlife shenanigans. That said, Fetlife is the Facebook of the kinky world. It can be hard to get all the community goings-on, find out about conferences and play nights, and connect with other kinky folks without a Fetlife account.

Fetlife is not an indexed site. This means, if you are applying for a job or doing a background check, your Fet profile will not show up on the check. If you are worried about confidentiality, here are the basic steps to making a private account which is hard to track back to you:

  • Make a GMail account not associated with your name or other email accounts.
  • Sign up for a Fetlife account linked to the anonymous GMail account.
  • Use a Fetlife screen name that is not obviously connected to you.
  • List your age as 99 and your location as “Antarctica” if you are really worried.
  • Don’t post any highly identifiable pictures on your account.

Spend some time checking out the writings, event, and pictures on Fetlife. Keep in mind, this site is like Facebook. You will see some cool stuff, a lot of mediocre stuff, and some trash! Use the “Block” function liberally to block people who harass you, hit on you too much, or are otherwise horrid folks. While you may eventually move away from using your Fetlife account for much, it is a good way to access community information.

For tips on screening out abusive folks on Fetlife, check out my tips here.

Welcome to the kinky side!

#fetlife #kink #BDSM #newbie #tips #fetish #kinky #sextoys #whips #dungeon #munch #community #classes #conferences #WickedGrounds #safety #consent #newtokink #newkink #tasting events #resources

anxiety, bdsm, consent, kink, Marijuana, pain, psychology, sexuality, tips

Combining Weed and Kink? Read This!

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Weed is now legal in 18 U.S. states and the District of Columbia; two countries (Canada and Uruguay) and several other jurisdictions (Amsterdam, etc). It is also widely available in states and countries where is is not so legal. With the increasing ease of getting marijuana, more people are using it with sex.

Many Americans (and others as well) see marijuana use as socially acceptable and consider it a less-risky drug that alcohol, tobacco, or pain killers. Most users are also parents and/or Millennials. Cool.

What do you need to know about combining kink and weed to make sure things are safe? Your Auntie is here to help!

Is It Safe?

This is a complex question. I fall into the group of kinky folks who understand no activity has a “zero risk” associated with it. Even kissing presents the risk of transmitting HSV-1 (herpes simplex), the common cold, and COVID. In that sense, smoking or ingesting marijuana is not a zero-risk activity.

Marijuana has a wide set of effects on people. You may expereince one or many of these effects. You may expereince different effects with different strains or modes of ingestion. Therefore, a blanket statement of safety is not possible.

Marijuana can alter levels of pain, anxiety, inhibition, sense of time, concentration, hunger, and sleepiness. Some of these changes may be very positive for kink play. Others can be detrimental. Generally, you should not negotiate while high on marijuana. Treat it like any other drug and negotiate while sober.

Playing high, however, will depend on your personal response to marijuana and your desires.

Physical Effects

Pain Killer

Marijuana is a documented pain killer. In the past ten years, removing the THC (the active part of marijuana that causes the high feeling and psychological changes) and using just the CBD for pain killing purposes has become popular. For many people, CBD edibles, tinctures, and teas are effective for pain relief. Microdosing (taking small amounts throughout the day) is an increasingly popular use for the CBD isolates of marijuana. CBD does not alter psychological perceptions of time and does not give you a “high” feeling. Therefore, its generally safe to play while using CBD.

As research evolves, various studies are finding that CBD + THC are required for the best pain killing effects. There are plenty of folks who use marijuana in a variety of forms for pain killing rather than getting high. When it comes to kink play, removing the “bad” and unwanted pain allows people to get more out of the kink session. If your back and hips don’t hurt, it is easier to enjoy play.

Increased Climax for Women

In several studies (like this one), researchers found that cis women who used marijuana prior to sexual intercourse, there was a significant increase in vaginal lubrication, reduced pain during intercourse, increased sexual desire, and a greater chance of reaching climax. These are strong arguments for women using marijuana before sex, unless you desire orgasm denial and control.

Other Physical Effects

Smoking and ingesting marijuana has other physical impacts which might make a difference for you in kinky play.

  • Gastrointestinal: decrease inflammation, reduce Chron’s symptoms (positive)
  • Increased hunger (neutral)
  • Dry mouth: makes oral sex and kissing more challenging (negative)
  • Clumsiness (negative)
  • Increased vaginal moisture/reduced vaginal pain (positive)

Psychological Effects

Marijuana has a couple of different psychological effects which impact kink play.

Anxiety

For some users, marijuana can increase anxiety and paranoia. Even if you have used marijuana in the past, this does not mean you will not experience anxiety in the future. Sativa strains tend to be more associated with anxiety elevation. However, all types of marijuana may cause anxiety.

Relaxation/Anxiety Reduction

For some users, marijuana can make them feel more relaxed or less anxious. Indica strains tend to more frequently be associated with more relaxation, although all strains can help some people relaxa.

Time Distortion

For some uses, it becomes more difficult to tell how much time has passed. This may or may not have any impact on your kink, depending on the type of play you engage in for fun.

Figuring Out What Weed Works for You

If you want to combine marijuana and sex, you should try specific marijuana strains prior to using it with kink. It is important to know how specific strains of marijuana effect you.

There are three main types of marijuana: indica, sativa, and hybrid. Indica strains tend to be associated with a “head high,” calming feelings, pain reduction, sleepiness, and a general slowing in thoughts. Sativa strains tend to be associated with a “body high,” elevated mood, occasional anxiety, and pain reduction. Hybrids are associated with combination of both sativa and indica strains.

In places where marijuana is legal, dispensaries categorize the strains and a good employee can help direct you to a specific strain to help you achieve what you want. In places where marijuana is not legal, your dealer will most likely know if it is a sativa, indica, or hybrid but may or may not be able to get more specific than that.

Try a few different types of marijuana prior to playing. Masturbate while high to see how your body responds. Note if you get anxiety, fall asleep quickly, have an elevated mood, and other impacts.

Once you understand your response to marijuana, let your partner know that you want to use it during a kink scene. Depending on what you plan to do and your partner’s comfort with marijuana use, you will need to negotiate your play. If you are both regular users and are established players, the negotiations may be minimal. If you are with a new(er) partner or using marijuana during sex is new, make sure to cover consent, limits, and aftercare plans.

Head Space

Marijuana’s psychological effects can alter head space. For people who relax while using weed, you may experience a deeper submissive or dominant head space. This can be very enjoyable! Marijuana can shut down worries and your internal monologue and allow you to be more present during a scene.

The increased access to improved head space also increases the chance of reaching sub or top space. Make sure to talk about aftercare to help you reground after a marijuana-enhanced scene.

For users who experience anxiety, this can make is more difficult to get into a head space to play. It may be distracting you may worry too much to enjoy a scene.

Routes of Ingestion

Marijuana can be smoked, eaten, and “dabbed.” Different routes of ingestion change your bodies reaction. If you smoke, the impacts occur within a few minutes. If you use edibles, the effects can begin 30 to 60 minutes after you eat it. This can make your level of intoxication harder to gauge. Waxes and crystals for dabbing are highly concentrated versions of marijuana. These forms of ingestion can increase the impact of smoking.

When you are figuring out what type of marijuana works for you, make sure to keep the method of ingestion the same.

Safety

If you plan to use marijuana for a scene, you need to make sure you stay safe in and out of the scene.

If you are going to have to drive afterward, knowing how long the effects last for you is critical. Never drive high. Smoking flower (the dried buds) generally has the fastest dissipating effects. Edibles and dabbing can last much longer. If you are high after the scene but need to leave, call a cab or ride share or friend.

Marijuana use, especially edibles, can cause a bit of dehydration. Make sure you have water and non-caffeinated drinks when using marijuana with kink.

Marijuana is a pain killer. This means if you are injured during play (e.g., muscle strains, cuts and bruising) you may not feel it as much. Have a partner help you with a body check for any large bruises, abrasions, or other skin concerns to deal with on the spot. Pay attention to your body for the next 24 hours to see if you develop pain or strain associated with play. Ice, heat, and anti-inflammatory medication can be administered as needed.

Recommendations

I enjoy smoking just a little bit of weed before a scene. Usually a single “hit” off a bong or pipe is effective for me. For people new to using marijuana during kink, I strongly recommend taking a small bit by smoking flower.

I am a fan of hybrid strains for sex. The relaxation effect plus a body high that does not make me too tired makes sex much more enjoyable. I will attest that for me, I do experience increased lubrication and probability of climax while high.

While these work for me, experiment with types of marijuana and forms of ingestion which work for you!

Looking for a pipe? Check out Waxmaid Store for some cool options.

#marijuana #weed #420 #sex #sexonweed #sexwhilehigh #kink #bdsm #safety #consent #Safetywhilehig #edibles

bdsm, bondage, dominance, humiliation, illness, kink, pain, psychology, rope, STI, Submission, tips

How Do You Create an Aftercare Plan?

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Aftercare is a frequently mentioned idea in kink/BDSM classes and touted as “important” for safe, sane, and consensual play. Most of the time, class instructors will say to “make an aftercare plan” and mention things like blankets, snuggles and food.

However, figuring out what aftercare plan works for you is rarely discussed! Further, many instructors fail to mention any type of aftercare for D-types. So, how do you figure out what aftercare you and your partner(s) need? How can you tell if your needs change? This post has your answers!

Myths About Aftercare

Like many topics which everyone seems to mention but few really talk about, there are myths about aftercare.

Myth 1: Aftercare is needed after every scene.

Reality: People differ widely in their aftercare needs. While some people will always want some form of aftercare, others will only want it sporadically.

Myth 2: Aftercare is just for submissives.

Reality: Aftercare is for everybody! Regardless of the side of the slash you occupy during a scene, you may want aftercare at the end. The focus too often is on submissive’s only. Make sure to check with dominants and switches to see what they need at the end of a play session.

Myth 3: Rejecting aftercare is a sign of strength.

Reality: Asking for the aftercare you need is a sign of strength. You do not get any extra gold stars for rejecting aftercare. In fact, claiming you do not need/want aftercare when you do is a sign of weakness. Ask for what you need and want. It is important to help build trust and healthy relationship skills.

Myth 4: Aftercare always involves cuddling.

Reality: Everyone has unique aftercare needs. While some people enjoy and need snuggling and cuddling after a scene, other people may want a shower, quiet time, food, or an episode of Drag Race.

Myth 5: Aftercare is the same if the scene is good or bad.

Reality: You may need different types of aftercare for a scene that goes well or one that goes poorly. Make sure to talk about trigger responses and what you need if you become very upset during a scene.

Figuring Out an Aftercare Plan– Good Scene

If you do not have aftercare plans in place, you will want to figure out one before you engage in a scene. There is no “one-size fits all” plan. Here are questions to ask yourself to help you build an aftercare plan.

–When you are finished with sex (kinky or otherwise), what do want or crave?

–Do you enjoy cuddling?

–After sex or play, are you hungry?

–Do you need reassurance after a scene? Do you want praise?

–Do you have physical needs which should be addressed after a scene? This may include, food, hydration, bathing/clean up, pain killers, ice packs, and more!

–Does the type of play you engage in change the type of attention you need?

Once you have answered the above questions, you will have a rough outline of what your aftercare needs may entail.

Getting to the Specifics

Aftercare needs may vary based on your partner, the type of play you engage in, the time of the month, and how stressed you currently are. Here are some specifics to consider:

Type of Play

Impact and Bondage

  • Are there physical needs to attend too like bruising, bleeding, skin abrasions, rope burns?
  • Are there muscle concerns like strain, overuse, or pulled muscles?

Humiliation, Forced Feminization, Mind-fucking, Etc.

Emotion-based play may require people to need to re-center and reaffirm they are okay.

  • Do you need your partner to praise you?
  • Do you need your partner to tell you that you are still okay with them?
  • Do you need to reaffirm your identity after the scene?
  • What do you need to re-ground in yourself?

Piss, Blood, and Other Body Fluids

  • Are their cleanliness issues to deal with immediately after play?
  • Are there first aid issues (especially with blood play)?

Group Scenes

  • Do you need a way to re-connect with your primary partner post-scene?
  • Do you need group-based aftercare?

Age Play

  • Do you want a teddy bear, soft blanket, or other comfort item?
  • Do you like more child-based foods (juice boxes, animal crackers) to eat?

Physcial Conerns

  • Everyone should pee after any scene involving the genitals. This helps prevent UTIs.
  • Pre-emptive pain killers. After a scene, you may feel quite elevated and unaware of physical strain. If you have been flogging or tying up someone, you probably have exerted quite a bit of muscle effort. If you have been a bottom for impact play, bondage, or other physically intensive play, you probably have some physical strain too! Wearing high heels all night? Your feet will most likely ache. Taking an aspirin, acetaminophen (e.g., Tylenol), or NSAID (e.g., Aleve, Advil) pre-emptively can be a great idea (as long as it is safe for you to take these).
  • Aspercreme, Biofreeze, and other topicals. These pain-killing topical creams can be really helpful for achy muscles. I strongly recommend them for tops who engage in impact and rope.
  • Socks: This may seem odd, but your circulation can change during a scene. As blood flow to the genitals or area of stimulation increases, blood flow to the extremities can decrease. Warm socks are a great way to keep your toes from freezing after a scene. Also, if you have Raynaud’s Syndrome (associated with many autoimmune conditions) it is really important to keep your feet warm post-scene.

Food and Drink

Kink play (and sex in general) can be physically tiring. This was never more clear than when I was backstage at a porn studio and saw the bank of energy gels, nuts, and energy bars stocked for the performers! Make sure you have access to water to drink for any type of play. I take a large water bottle to play spaces to make sure I have it available and ready for me asap.

As for food, you may want to keep an energy bar, nuts, or candy bar in your play bag for a quick energy boost. You may want to make a post-scene meal part of the aftercare. Grabbing a bite to eat on your way home (or at home) and decompressing with your partner(s) can be an enjoyable option for aftercare.

Planning and Building an Aftercare Kit

Once you know what you and your partner(s) want for aftercare, start to put together a bit of a kit. This may include blankets, stuffed animals, warm socks, energy bars, a first aid kit, and other items you regularly use. Add a good water bottle to keep something to drink nearby. Toss in a $20 so that you have cash to grab a burger or other food after a play party just in case you forget your wallet or ATM card.

Evolution

Over time, you will get to know your post-play needs better. You can refine your aftercare plan as you learn.

Additionally, as you play, your needs may evolve. Just because something worked as aftercare in your 20s does not mean it will work in your 30s or 60s. As your needs evolve, talk to your partner(s) to update the plan.

Figuring Out an Aftercare Plan- Bad Scenes

The longer you play, the more likely you or a partner will have a scene go poorly. This may be due to a physical mishap or stepping on an emotional trigger. Having a good aftercare plan means also talking about what to do if something goes wrong.

You or Your Partner Get Emotionally Triggered

While most of us know some of our emotional triggers, we all have ones we are blissfully unaware of until someone trips over them! In planning for aftercare, you should plan for what happens when things go poorly.

How do you normally respond when you become very emotionally upset?

Think about your emotional response history to when things go badly. Do you become angry? Cry? Yell? Go silent?

You need to be clear with your partners about what the signs are when you are in a bad emotional spot. If you go silent during a scene, is that a sign you are deep in sub space or is it more likely you are very angry? How can your partner tell? You should discuss this with them.

Panic Attacks

Some people have panic attacks. These can be terrifying. Many folks will feel like they are dying (with a heart attack or the like) or like they must flee. If you get panic attacks, be specific about what that looks like and what you need to become grounded.

Trama Triggers

The word “trigger” is vastly overused. Triggers, when we talk about psychology, are tied to traumas. Something will happen that sends a person back to the state of the original trauma and they have a difficult time separating what is currently going on with what has happened in the past.

Triggers are often tied to the stimulus of the original trauma. For example, I was raped while modern country western was playing on the sound system. Today, the combination of sex and country western will cause me to panic. Therefore, I ask partners not to play country during scenes.

When you are talking about your triggers, be as specific as possible so that a partner can make sure to avoid these “landmine” areas.

Sometimes triggers are unknown to us. Something will happen in a scene and we will be pulled out of our sexy headspace. Often we will feel angry or like “something is very off.” If you experience these emotions, let your partner know something is wrong. Even if you don’t have the language at the time to say exactly what is wrong, redirecting or stopping a scene when a trigger is hit is important.

Stumbling over someone’s trigger (or having you trigger tripped) can be scary and painful. This does not have to have long-term negative impacts on your sex life with a partner. If you plan for the worst and the aftercare plan is followed when someone goes wrong, you and your partner(s) can heal and move on with a healthy relationship. This is why having a plan for a bad scene is as important as a good one!

#kink #aftercare #sex #BDSM #relationships #impactplay #impact #bondage #rope #triggers #emotions #planning #care #psychology #food #hygiene

bdsm, consent, culture, dating, kink, questions

7 Tips to Help You Screen For Abusers on Kink Sites

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In a most predictable move, once BDSM became a topic most American’s had heard about, abusers co-opted its language to justify their behavior. Celebrities like Marilyn Manson and Armie Hammer have defended allegations of abuse and violence as simply consensual BDSM.

Its not just celebrities claiming abusive behavior is really consensual kink. Fetlife has been inundated with people who are seeking their next abuse victim and housing their search in the language of kink. The aspects of control, power exchange, and impact play which attract many of us to the kink world also allow abusers to pretend their actions are consensual.

How can you tell if the person messaging you on Fetlife or other dating apps is legitimately interested in kink and power exchange or if they are an abuser in disguise? While there is no method which offers 100 percent effectiveness, here are several key ways to help weed out abusers.

Add Specific Instructions for Contacting You to Your Profile

Fetlife and kink dating apps require you create a profile. This may be as extensive or as minimal as you make it. Adding specific instructions as to how to contact you can help screen out creeps, abusers, and people messaging dozens of people at once in hope for a bite.

I am a strong advocate of stating the requirements for an introductory message. Something along the lines of, “If you wish to connect with me, please send me a message including your favorite BDSM book and why its your favorite,” or some such request. Some people will include formatting instructions such as, “Please include you real first name, the city your live in, and how long you have been in BDSM in the first paragraph.” Messages without an answer to your question or following formatting instructions can be immediately screened out as shams. If the person hasn’t even read your basic bio enough to include the proper information in their initial contact, you can bet they don’t care about your needs or boundaries.

Vet Them

The great thing about the BDSM community is we talk. The members who have been around longer know the local players. If someone wants to connect for a hook up or dating, ask for references. If they cannot provide names of other kinky folks you can ask about them, it is a red flag.

You can also attend local munches and ask around about a person. If they are unknown to the local community it is not a great sign. If they have a history of bad behavior, there will be folks who know and will warn you about them.

They Object to a First Meeting in Public

If you are looking to date, meeting for a coffee date or drink in a public location is an appropriate first meet. If there is a local munch, this would also be an appropriate first meet. Meeting someone in a public space allows for safety from numbers. It is less likely they will try to harm you if others are around. This also allows you to get a “vibe” from them.

If you just want to meet up for casual sex and play, meet at a local play space. It is dangerous to meet and play for the first time if no one else is there to monitor the situation. If you are going to their place, you are on unknown territory and this makes it more dangerous still.

If the person insists on a private first meeting or tries to shame you about the need to meet in public/be safe, this is a giant red flag.

They Know the Lingo But Can’t Talk About Kink/BDSM Personally

There are plenty of self-proclaimed “Doms” out there who have read a lot about kink, they may have listened to podcasts, but they have very little expereince with kink relationships and play themselves. These individuals are unlikely to admit that they have have limited experience. This means you need to dig a bit.

Whether you meet in person first or exchange a lot of texts/messages, ask direct questions about their kink understanding and experience. Asking about how they ensure consent is met and respected, about how they deal with partners with alternative views on kink behavior, and how they have handled past relationship issues can be very helpful in gaining an understanding of their behavior. If the person insists on answering in platitudes and without specific examples, the chances they have the lingo but not the hours of practice can be a red flag.

It is totally okay to date an inexperienced player. That can be rewarding and fun! However, an inexperienced player should be able to admit their experience level and not hide behind “stock” answers.

They Believe in “One True Way”

Most experienced players understand that there are many approaches to kink and that there is no one “right” approach. People often seek out partners who approach kink in the same way they do. This is great! However, people who believe all other ways of enjoying BDSM is “wrong” are likely to be abusive.

If someone uses language about “real” dominants or submissives or shames you for not “doing kink right” this is an immediate red flag.

They Don’t Negotiate About Play

Anyone who is seeking play on their terms without any room for negotiation is highly likely to be an abuser. They are in this for themselves. Your needs, your boundaries, you experience and practice don’t matter. Negotiation and discussion about consent must be a part of the conversation.

Your Gut Sends a Signal

Our bodies are often better at picking up on signals that someone will be a dangerous or inappropriate partner than our brains are. If you have been in a previously abusive relationship (romantic or otherwise) this is especially true. Listen to your body.

If you meet or interact with someone and get that feeling that something is “off” or “not quite right” listen to that message! Your body is sending you a warning. This is not time to second-guess or doubt your intuition. If the body is wary, you should be too.

Not a Perfect System

The above tips are great for screening out most abusive play partners. However, nothing is 100 percent. Some people don’t send off the “bad juju” vibes at the beginning. Some have a lot of experience luring in potential partners. There are other ways to tell if someone is abusive or becoming abusive in a kink relationship. For more on that check out the post: Relationship Red Flags.

bdsm, connection, consent, intimacy, kink, non-monogamy, Open relationships, rape, sexuality, STI, Swinging, tips

7 Tips for Hosting an Orgy

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As more of us get vaccinated and back out there, so many of y’all are posting about having a slutty summer. Yay! I strongly encourage this.

If you want to truly go hard of the “Hot Girl Summer” or whatever you call it, host an orgy/sex night. I have your tips right here.

First, who would do this? Lots of people! While orgies are usually punchlines for comics or relegated to “key party” representation in films, they can be much more than that. With many of us in consensually nonmonogamous/open relationships or just plain single and mingling, hosting an orgy night can be fun, sexy, and even a bonding opportunity for you and your partner(s).

“Done Right” is the Key

Do not throw a regular party and hope people will start having sex. Do not throw an orgy and fail to tell invited guests that is what you are doing. To make a group sex night work, everyone needs to be aware and on-board with the plan. Finally, getting a group of your sluttiest buds together is not enough to make a group sex night happen. Here are seven things to do to help you throw a great group sex party!

I. Get Your Partner(s) on Board

If you and your partner(s) are in an open/nonmonogamous relationship, this does not guarantee they are ready and happy to have a group sex party. You need to make sure everyone understands what is going to happen, discuss rules and boundaries, and enthusiastically consent to the night.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have I explicitly discussed hosting a group sex party with all my partners?
  • Have I discussed what is okay to do with them at the party?
  • Have we discussed what is okay to do with other people at the party?
  • Do we agree to the rules around safer sex, sex acts, and who we end up spending the night with?
  • Am I okay watching my partner(s) have sex or kink play with other people?
  • Am I and all my partners enthusiastic about the party?

This is the type of activity all people you are in a relationship should be enthusiastically consenting too. While some activities (e.g., humiliation play, forced feminization) can be approached willingly and with some reticence and still work out well, group sex is something you need to be enthusiastic about. If a partner seems to have doubts or concerns, this is a clear sign you need to put your plans on hold.

II. Be Honest with All Guests

Do not try and lure/dupe someone into coming to a group sex party. Everyone should be keenly aware of what the intentions of the night are. You also need to be honest about safety issues. Be sure to be honest about:

  • STI tests and what proof of status is required.
  • COVID testing and immunization status and proof required.
  • Consent of party-goers.

Depending on the people you invite and your tolerance for risk, you will need to decide if people must to show proof of recent STI testing, COVID testing, and COVID immunizations. Some groups will be okay if people just say they have these tests/vaccines, some groups will want proof. Make sure everyone coming has the same understanding of what is required to participate.

Additionally, you need to make sure your guests are explicitly consenting to the night. I strongly suggest a verbal confirmation that they want to participate when they accept the invite.

III. Consent is Key

Any time you host a group sex event, you run the risk of someone being assaulted. Make sure your guests understand the rules of consent used by all party-goers. If you are using the stoplight system (green= okay, yellow= slow down, tentative, red= stop) or an alternative system, make sure guests understand what words/actions require they stop hitting on/making out with/having sex with other people. If the party is small enough you can keep an eye out for what is happening, reiterating these rules as people arrive might be enough. If people are using various rooms, there are not monitors, or other ways people can be in private with another person, posting signs with consent rules should be done.

IV. Have a Plan is Consent is Violated

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If someone has their consent violated, whether this be via sexual assault or not respecting a boundary around kink play, have a plan for dealing with it BEFORE it happens.

The plan should include gradations for violations. For example, you should have a plan for how to handle a guest who won’t stop hitting on someone who is not interested. You should have a plan for someone who gets intoxicated and too handsy. You should have a plan for making sure party-goers are okay throughout the night and when to intervene if something looks or feels amiss.

If the worst happens, call an ambulance for health issues or police for legal issues. If someone is in medical distress or has been sexually assaulted, the party should immediately stop. The guest who was assaulted needs to be immediately attended too. This means providing the necessary medical care or calling an ambulance. If they need the police to report a crime, you as the host need to offer to go with them and take care of them as they want you too.

Most of the time these plans will not need to be used. In a decade of hosting parties, I have yet to need to put a consent violation plan into action. However, I have always had one just in case.

V. Have a Safer Sex Supplies

Even if most of your guests won’t be using safer sex supplies, have a bunch around and easy to access. Your supplies should contain:

  • Latex condoms
  • Non-latex condoms (for people with allergies)
  • Latex and non-latex dental dams
  • Nitrile gloves
  • Water-based lube
  • Silicone Lube
  • Plan-B

All of the above items are available at most drug stores, Target and Wal-Mart. Make sure latex items are separate from non-latex and both are labeled. Allergies are real and serious!

VI. Have a Kinky First Aid Kit

If you are having any kinky play, a kinky first aid kit is a great idea. Its a great idea in general! You never know when a guest will need a band-aid, tweezers, or Neosporin. These are great for kink accidents AND kitchen mishaps.

If you don’t have a kinky first aid kit, I offer a list of items which should be included here.

VII. Make Your Home Conducive to Group Sex

It is hard to feel sexy if the environment is not right! Making out in bad lighting or with a lot of distracting noise is difficult or impossible for people. To make your space (house, apartment, hotel room) conducive for group sex, make sure these issues are addressed.

Lighting

Lighting should be good enough to allow people to navigate the space safely. It should be dim enough to encourage coupling. Bright, overhead lighting is not sexy. Try accent lamps to light your space. If these are still too bright, try a lower wattage bulb (40 watts or the equivalent tends to be a good choice). If you can’t change the bulb, non-flammable scarves and material can be draped over the shades to add a filter to the lighting.

Candles can also be great lighting. Make sure they are in stable, hard-to-tip holders and are out of the way. Make sure they are away from drapes, bedspreads, and other material which may catch on fire.

Sounds

A television is very distracting in many cases. Even if you have a great porn video on, a television may be distracting to folks. If you want to play a porn video, make sure there are also spaces where the video won’t bother people. If you are in a single hotel room, muting the sound while the video plays is also an option.

Music at an appropriate volume is a great idea. Make sure your guests can hear each other without having to yell over the music. If you have guests who are hard of hearing, make sure the music is at a level to accommodate their needs.

If you opt for a music streaming service PAY FOR THE COMMERCIAL FREE OPTION! One of the biggest boner killers is having a commercial for a drug come on during your make-out session!

Food and Drink

You will want to have some refreshments for guests. Water is a must. Plain, non-flavored water. People get dehydrated with sex and kink play. Make sure you have water for them!

If you opt to provide alcohol, you are adding an element which can increase the chance of consent violation or dangerous play. Invite people who don’t get so drunk they can’t perform or don’t want to reason with you. If a guest seems to be too inebriated to play safely, offer a place for them to sober up or call a car to take them home. Safety and consent take precedence over someone’s drunken good time.

Have a variety of food options. People get hungry after sex. This is why the “make me a sandwich” jokes hit. Because so many people have food sensitivities, you should have a couple of options. Make sure there is one gluten-free, vegan option. This means most of your guests will be able to eat at least one dish. Bitchin’ Sauce dips with gluten free crackers are a great option here!

Make both your food and water easy to access. If you are planning on playing, you really don’t want to be interrupted to answer the question, “Where would I find water?”

Bottom Line

Group sex parties can be a ton of fun! People chat, connect, and then have a great kinky sex night. If all goes well, people will talk about it fondly for years. Making sure you have the things in place to make the night safe, sane, and consensual for everyone is key!

Stay kinky!

#orgy #groupsex #kink #bdsm #STI #COVID #safersex #condoms #gloves #saftersexitems #firstaidkit #boundaries #sexualassault #rape #communication #tipsandtools

anxiety, bdsm, connection, intimacy, kink, psychology, Submission

Why Mantras Are Important to BDSM

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You are probably familiar with mantras. They are short statements or words said repeatedly to help focus you. They are rooted in Buddhism and Hinduism. However, many people have adopted them to fit the need to stay focused or connect with oneself.

If you have participated in some meditation classes, you probably experienced saying a single word or sound repeatedly to help focus your mind. The classic “Om” chanted during mediation is a mantra.

Why would these mantras be important to BDSM?

Mantras are there to focus the mind. In our daily lives, there are many distractions. You probably are aware of how much your brain is doing right before bed or when you take a shower. It sits there making grocery lists, winning an imaginary argument, rehearsing important conversations, going over your to-do list and more. Quieting those thoughts and focusing the mind is tricky for many of us. Mantras can help quiet those extraneous thoughts.

Having your mind focused and present makes you a better partner. Regardless of the side of the slash you occupy (or even if you switch), bringing your focus into your relationship dynamic and the present makes you more aware of your partner(s) and more able to connect with them.

Mantras can help you get into the headspace you want when you enjoy kinky play. Taking a few minutes to focus on your role and your intention before you begin playing can ground you in your role as a submissive, dominant, or anything else. Bringing intention to your play allows you to deepen what you do and experience during that time.

Mantras can become part of your protocols or rituals. For submissives who take their collars on and off, adding a mantra to the protocols of putting on a collar or removing it can serve to reinforce the power exchange relationship and connection to a dominant. For Dominants who place or remove collars for a submissive, creating your own mantra can focus you on the relationship and deepen your commitment to your submissive.

How Do I Create a Mantra?

Mantras are intensely personal. If you are using it as part of kink and BDSM, you will want to focus your mantra on your intentions and what you want to focus on after the mantra. This means you may want to create several mantras for a variety of situations.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What do I want to focus on in the immediate future?
  • What behavior do I want to reinforce?
  • What headspace do I want to bring myself into with this mantra?
  • When will I say this mantra?

Having a clear idea of what the mantra is for will help you find the words which best suit you. Writing down the answers to the questions will help you put into words what you are trying to find.

Once you have a clear idea what the purpose and timing of the mantra will be, try writing out a short statement which captures your feelings and thoughts. You may need to edit it several times. Reading it aloud to yourself will help you see if it feels natural saying it. If there are words which don’t feel right or you find yourself repeatedly substituting other words for, change your mantra to meet your needs.

Additionally, you need to connect with your mantra. Its great to tell yourself you are beautiful, always worthy of love and connection. If there is nothing in you which believes this, your mantra will not resonate with you. Write a mantra you feel connected too, not one which you think you need to connect too.

When Should I Use Mantras?

Mantras should be used whenever focusing yourself would be helpful. Incorporating them into established protocols or rituals may amplify their effectiveness. You may wish to create one for starting your day, before going to bed, or before you connect with your partner. You may want to develop ones for when you are struggling with submitting to a partner or when you feel less than worthy.

Mantras may be especially helpful for people living with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is much like meditating on all the things which can go wrong. Your mind is focused on all sorts of horrible thoughts. Having a mantra you can refer to when you feel anxious may help reground yourself.

Depression is an awful disease. It lies to you. Depression tells you that you are worthless, unlovable, or the world would be better off if you were not part of it. Depression is very convincing when you have these thoughts. Mantras can help focus the brain and remind you that depression is only a disease and you are not what your brain is currently telling you.

Mantras are also useful for people who have difficultly leaving your daily work and needs behind to focus on kinky play time. It can be difficult to get into a deep submissive or dominant headspace if you are still thinking about what needs to be done at work, if the dishes have been done, or what you need to buy at the craft store for your kid’s next homework project. Having a mantra which focuses you prior to entering BDSM play can be immensely useful in these situations.

Next Steps

Get a small notebook (or open a document on your computer) and write down your mantras. As you need to create or change them, keep running notes. Over time, you will develop a set of mantras which work in different situations. The notebook is also helpful to see how you progress in your kinky journey.

If you find audio cues helpful, record your mantras on your phone. When you need them to focus, you can play back your recording and hear your mantra.

#kink #bdsm #mantras #protocol #collaring #collar #focus #connection #fetishplay #love #relationships #anxiety #depression

fisting, intimacy, kink, list, Perbvertables, sex toys, STI, toys

What Do Kinky Girls Keep in Their Bedside Table?

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We all know that drawer- the on in the bedside table which houses all the most used, go-to devices and more! I keep all my most essential and frequently used items close at hand. What are they and what might you want to add?

Kinky Girl Must-Haves

Nail File: I am nothing if not practical. I regularly file my nails. If I notice a jagged edge, a quick file and I’m good to go. No worries about scratching my partner in a not-so-nice way during those intimate moments.

Lip Balm: Lip balm is critical for keeping the lips soft and supple. My go-to is EOS.

Personal Lubricant Selection: You can never have enough lube! I keep both Uberlube’s waterbased lubricant for vaginal sex and any time I use a condom. I keep Swiss Navy’s silicone-based lube for anal play.

Safer Sex Items: I keep a selection of condoms quickly available if I have someone other than my primary partner over for sex. I generally have Magnum’s and Kimono Microthin Condoms around. Remember to cover your toys when you share them for extra protection!

I also keep nitrile gloves around. These are useful for safer sex, anal play if you are worried about hangnails or open wounds (I garden a lot, so these things are issues), and to make fisting easier.

LoveHoney Deluxe Vibrating Wand This is my favorite vibrating wand I own (and I own 12).

Clit Vibrator There are times when I need added attention to my clit, so I keep a clit vibrator charged and ready to go. It is also my go-to toy for masturbation.

Butt Plug I love anal play! Most times anal play is planned well in advance and I select the different plugs I want for the type of night I plan to have. However, a smaller plug in the drawer offers a quick way to get things going when I want a little bum stimulation in the middle of spontaneous sex. My go-to is the nJoy medium steel butt plug.

Clothes Pins I have long been a fan of clothespins for a variety of kinky play! I keep a bunch of the old fashion wood ones in my drawer.

Nipple Clamps My weighted tweezer nipple clamps are my long-running favorite for nipple play.

Phone Charger Back-up I routinely have issues of cords breaking, shorting or other issues, so I keep a back-up cord in my side drawer.

#sextoys #vibrators #wands #lovehoney #safersex #condoms #nippleclamps #spontaneoussex #safersexsupplies #condoms #nitrilegloves #pervertibles #buttplug #nJoy #nJoyplug #MagnumCondoms #Kimonocondoms #uberlube #swissnavy #siliconelube #personallubricant #waterbasedlube

bdsm, kink, questions, sex toys, sexuality, STI, tips, toys

Sex Toy Buying Guide

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Sex toys are prolific! They range from the cheap to the ridiculously expensive. From reputable brands to knock-offs to independent producers. They are made of so many materials it is hard to catalogue. They are different sizes, shapes, powers, remote controlled, bluetooth options and more! So, how do you know what toys are body safe, going to work, worth their price, and more?

Make Sure They Are Body Safe

Sex toys are made of all sorts of materials. Some are safe to insert into various orifices’, some are not. Some are safe to share with partners, some should be dedicated to one person. Here is a quick guide to materials.

Phthalates

Phthalates are chemicals known to cause cancer. Because sex toys are used on areas which are both delicate and prone to tears, toys with phthalates are dangerous. While they are used less these days in sex toys, make sure your toy is listed as phthalate free. If you have questions, contact their manufacturer.

Jelly Toys

Jelly toys are abundant, especially with low-cost and novelty manufacturers. Jelly toys are porous and can harbor bacteria and dirt. They can never be fully cleaned. Avoid them.

Silicone

Many toys today are made from silicone and many more are said to be made from silicone. Body-safe medical grade silicone is safe for internal use and can be sterilized. Lots of less reputable vendors will say some are made out of silicone when they are mixed with other products as well.

Silicone is a nonreactive, nonporous material which can be fully sterilized. This means toys made of silicone are GREAT for sharing because you can sterilize them. It also means a properly sterilized toy will not transmit STIs and reduces the chances of yeast infections or irritation.

Silicone ranges from silky soft to relatively firm. Depending on if your toy is just covered in silicone or the entire thing is made of silicone, the level of firmness may differ. Toy companies often state the toy is silicone when only the outer cover is silicone. Look at the toy’s description. If it has internal working parts, the internal parts are not silicone BUT the outside may be.

If a toy says it is silicone AND is from a reputable dealer (Blush novelties, WeVibe, nJoy, etc.) their sites tend to be accurate. Knock-off sites and Amazon retailers will often call a toy “silicone” when the silicone has been mixed with other chemicals. If you toy feels like it has a slick residue or “moist” when you take it out of the package, chances are it is not pure silicone.

The flame test. When a toy like a dildo or butt plug claims to be pure silicone it should hold up to being heated. If you use a kitchen blow torch (the kind used for crème brulees) and heat your toy for 10 to 15 seconds, it should not run or melt. This is not 100% effective in detecting additives, but it is a pretty good check.

Do Not Use Silicone Lube with Silicone Toys.

Hard Plastic

Many toys contain various types of hard plastic. Hard plastics are nonporous and can be cleaned and sterilized. It is cheaper than silicone, although not as durable. It is a good option for starter toys.

Glass

Glass toys are amazing! They are both beautiful and a great choice for nonporous toys. They can be fully sterilized. They hold both heat and cold well for temperature play. They are also really pretty.

Glass is very firm. This means they won’t bend or give when inserted. These toys are great when a firm hand is desired.

Glass toys are solid. They won’t shatter when dropped. However, they may chip if they hit a hard surface (making them unusable for the most part).

Metal

Metal toys are also a great choice. They are nonporous and can be fully sterilized. They are firm and hold heat and cold like glass toys do. The nature of metal means that most metal toys will be cool to the touch at room temperature. You may wish to warm them up a bit before playing.

Metal toys tend to be heavy since most are made of solid metal. This can be very enjoyable for some people! However, when trying your first metal butt plug, I suggest you go smaller than your silicone choices simply because holding a pound of metal in your bum is a much more intense sensation than the few ounces a silicone toy of similar size. Metal toys often list their weight, which is a good guide!

Crystals

Various crystals (rose quartz, jade, obsidian, etc.) are made into sex toys. While they may be pretty to look at, these toys are porous. This means they can never be fully cleaned. When dirt, yeast or bacteria get into these tiny pours, they multiply making the toy unhealthy. Because of the nature of the pours, soap and water cannot get in there to kill the bacteria. These are not a great option for sex toys.

Sizing

Sex toys come in a range of sizes, from tiny to huge. Finding the right toy means finding out what works with your body.

For dildoes and butt plugs, experimentation works! Start on the smaller size for the toys. If they feel too small, go up a bit. Because silicone toys can be expensive, starting with a hard plastic toy to check for sizing and moving up is a good option.

If you are sticking something in your butt, remember that the base should be significantly bigger than the widest insertable part. Your bum can get greedy when turned on and try and suck up the toy!

Anal training kits are a great first choice for butt plugs. They generally come with three or four plugs beginning at the size of a finger and getting bigger. These kits allow you to start small and work up over time.

Ergonomics

If you have limited use of your hands or wrists or have arthritis, you may want to chose toys which are designed to work with your limitations. Some toys are specifically designed to work with the natural movement of hands and wrists, often coming with curved handles or rotating joints.

Going to your local high-end sex toy store will give you a chance to handle the samples of the toys. Finding handle sizes which are comfortable, whether larger or smaller than standards, it will help for longer term use.

Remote control toys are also a great option for people with limited hand and wrist motions. If you can insert or position the toy and then run it with a remote control, you may find extended use more comfortable.

Reviews

There are thousands of toy reviewers online (including me)! We all have our own take on sex toys. Read several reviewers and find ones who like the same type of toys you do. Many of us talk about sensations, sizing and use. Once you find a trusted source or two, see what they are saying about the toys you are interested in trying.

I recommend the following reviewers:

and of course ME!

Where to Buy

Buy directly from the manufacture’s site. Folks like Lelo, WeVibe, nJoy, and LoveHoney have easy-to-use online sites. When ordering from the manufacturer you know you are getting their toy and not a knock off.

Frequenting independent and small producers is also a great way to get unique and fun toys! I especially like FunkitToys and Bad Dragon.

If you are looking for cheaper ways to try out toys, check out Squeaky Clean Toys. This is a site where people sell used sex toys which have been fully sterilized. Many of the higher end toys like Lelo, WeVibe, and LoveHoney are available for discount prices. If you are unsure about how much you want a toy, give them a try here.

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