Category Archives: LGBT

5 Common Beliefs Which Undermine Your Sex Life

You receive messages about sex and sexuality your entire live. From the media you watch, listen to, and read, to how your parents discussed sex and sexuality, to what friends say, you learn all sorts of stuff about sexuality. While some of this information can be helpful, much of it is biased, heternormative, and culturally biased.

You take in messages about sex and sexuality and even when you don’t want them to, and then they shape your behavior and beliefs. This blog covers common beliefs about sex and sexuality and how to combat them!

Climaxing at the same time is not realistic.

Movies and romance novels often make it seem like a mutual climax is the goal of a sexual encounter. In reality, this type of climax rarely happens. People are aroused at different speeds. What brings one partner to climax often does not being the other partner to climax (regardless of genders). Trying to synchornize your climaxes will often result in distracted and frustrating sex (or worse, one partner will feel pressure to fake an orgasm).

Rather than trying to climax at the same time, practice enjoying the encounter and being present for your partner. Additionally, remember that a climax does not mean sex has to stop! If one person reaches climax, you can both still engage in sex. You have hands, a mouth, toys, and so does your partner. Use them until you both enjoy an orgasm.

You Don’t Have to Be Pretty to Deserve Great Sex

It is rare to see older people, disabled folks, fat people, or anyone who is not young, thing, and abled-bodied having hot sex in the movies or a romance novel. Many of us internalize this subtle messaging and believe that if we are not thin, young, and beautiful, we do not deserve great sex.

Everyone deserves hot and consensual sex! You do not have to settle for a partner who does not celebrate you and your body. You do not have to sleep with whoever says yes to sleeping with you. If you do not desire the other person, you can say no. If the person you are sleeping with makes you feel bad about yourself, you can stop sleeping with them. If you are avoiding sex because you are worried about the way you look, you are working your way out of the sex you deserve.

Your Desires Are Not WeirD

The type of sexuality and relationship styles represented in most media are very limited. Fetishes, non-monogamy, group sex and more is often represented as “weird,” or “perverted,” or “bad.” You internalize these messages and it makes you feel awkward about your own desires.

Most people are kinkier than we talk about with others. Fully 40 percent of adults report enjoying being spanked in bed. Even larger numbers enjoy being tied-up, blindfolded, and taked dirty too in bed. Even the more unusual fetished – piss play, sucking on toes, forced feminization – still are enjoyed by a large number of people. Whatever you wnat to do sexually is a shared desire with others!

Rather than chastize yourself and worry that you are ‘not normal,’ take that energy to learn about your desires. Take a class about your interest. Read blogs and books about it. Connect with others online or in person who enjoy the same thing you do!

Your Identity Terms Should Not Limit you

You have ways you describe you identities: LGBTQ, submissive, dominant, top, pet, baby girl, vanilla, polyamorous, and more! It is wonderful to find you that there are words which describe your desires. It can feel like you finally cound a language that frees you. This can be wonderful!

However, you may fall into a trap of restricting your sexuality to what you thing a word means. You might identify as a submissive and then decide you can not engage in certain sexual behaviores because they are not ‘submissive.’ You might identify as polyamorous and therefore you avoid pursuing a relationship you desire because the person is not part of the polyam community.

How you identify should help you connect with other people and help you feel good about yourself. There is no “right” way to be be a submissive, or a dominant, or polyamorous, or bisexual. If you find yourself avoiding activities because they don’t fit your idea of what the identity means, you need to be gentle with yourself. Remember, there is no “real” way to be submissive, dominant, a switch, bisexual, queer or anyting else.

Sex Is Not Just Penetration

Thanks to our heteronormative society and bad high school sex education, you probably believe sex involves penetration. Sex is actually much broader than just penetrating someone. If genitals are involved, its sex.

Working on unlearning the “sex is penetration” myth is freeing! It allows you to see your sexuality as a much broader activity. Accepting a broader definition of sex can open up what you do, how you choses to climax, and how you feel about a partner.

#sex #sexuality #kink #bdsm #penetration #climax #orgasm #lgbtq #identity #submissive #dominant #polyamourous #freedom #ImproveYourSexLife

25 Books to Read & 25 Movies to Watch this PRIDE Month


This is a list of queer books that have stayed with me. I provide only the citation and genre so that you can enjoy them without preconceptions.

Allison, Dorothy. (1985). Bastard Out of Carolina. fiction

Baldwin, James. Giovanni’s Room. fiction

Bechdel, Allison. (2008). The Essential Dykes to Watch Out For. graphic novel

Brown, Rita Mae. (2014). RubyFruit Jungle. fiction/romance

Califia, Pat and Robin Davies. (2012). Public Sex: The Culture of Radical Sex. nonficiton

Chee, Alexander. (2018). How to Write an Autobiographical Novel. nonfiction

Dimassa, Diane. (1993) Hothead Paissan: Homicidal Lesbian Terrorist. graphic novel

Enos, Kristien P., Heidi Ho, Cassandra Gurllon et al. (2016). Active Voice: The Comic Collection: The Real Life Adventures of an Asian-American, Lesbian, Feminist, Activist, and Her Friends! graphic novel

Espinoza, Alex. (2019). Cruising: An Intimate History of a Radical Pasttime. nonficiton

Eugenides, Jeffery. (2002). Middlesex. fiction

Feinberg, Leslie. (2004). Stone Butch Blues. fiction

Forester, E.M. (2018). Howard’s End. fiction

Frank, Judith. (2004). Crybaby Butch. fiction

Gay, Roxane. (2017). Hunger: A Memoir of My Body. nonfiction/memoir

Habib, Samra. (2019). We Have Always Been Here. nonfiction

hooks, bell. (2006). Outlaw Culture: Resisting Representation. nonfiction

Kramer, Larry and Reynolds Price. (2000). Faggots. nonfiction

Maupin, Aristead. (2008). 28 Barbary Lane: Tales of the City (Books 1-3). fiction

Neely, Tom. (2017). Henry & Glenn: Forever and Ever: The Ridiculous Edition. graphic novel

Ngho, Vo. (2021). The Chosen and the Beautiful. fiction

Serrano, Julia. (2008). Whipping Girl: A Transexual Woman on Sexism and Scapegoating of Feminity. nonfiction

Shilts, Randy. (2007). And the Band Played On: People, Politics, and the AIDS Epidemic. 20th Anniversary Edition. nonfiction

Taylor, Sonia Renee. (2021). The Body is Not An Apology. 2nd edition. nonficiton/self help

Waters, Sarah. (2000). Tipping the Velvet. fiction


Each of these films is amazing in its own right. I provide the genre without review because you should watch without expectations.

All About My Mother (1999) foreign drama

Angle’s in America (2017) drama

A Single Man (2009) drama

Beautiful Thing (1996) drama

Bound (1996) thriller

Booksmart (2019) romcom

Call Me By Your Name (2017) drama

Favourite (2018) drama

Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001) musical

Je, tu, il, el (1974) drama(first on film lesbian scene in mainstream movie)

Kiss of the Spider Woman (1985) drama

Living End (1992) drama

Maurice (1987) drama

Moonlight (2016) drama

My Beautiful Laundrette (1985) drama

My Own Private Idaho (1991) drama

Paris is Burning (1990) documentary

Portrait of a Lady on Fire (2019) drama

Shortbus (2006) drama

Special (limited series on Netflix) (2018) comedy

The Watermelon Woman (1996) drama

Tongues Untied (1989) documentary

The Kids are Alright (2010) romance/drama

A Very English Scandal (Limited series on Amazon) (2018) drama

Victor/Victoria (1982)comedy/musical

Woke (first season on Hulu) (2020) comedy

#Pride #prideMonth #books #booklists #top10 #top25 #films #movies #gay #lesbain #queer #recommendations

The Future of Gender

I did an interview for Unleash Their PoTEENtial a free, online teen summit about the future of gender (spoiler alert: its nonbinary).

Looking for information about what nonbinary means, how it impacts teens, and what you can do to support your teen if they come out as nonbinary?

Check out the free talk at”

5 Best Sex Toys to Rock Your Queer World

Guest Post by Peter Minkoff

Peter Minkoff is a writer for High Style Life in Australia (and has great advice, IMHO– Auntie Vice)

If nothing else, staying at home and distancing from other people can do wonders for our sex life. You don’t believe it? Well, you should get yourself some new sex toys and go with the flow. All kidding aside, you haven’t experimented with sex toys or sex in general yet, then this is definitely the time to do it. Plenty of people dislike the idea of buying sex toys, mostly because of embarrassment, which is why this specific period of time is great – you can order anything online. Are you convinced now? Good. Now, what sex toys should you buy for yourself? Which ones should you keep your mind open for? We list you five amazing sex toys that will make your queer sexual pleasure the best yet, but also do not fear to experiment a little. Who knows what good can come out of a little experimenting (wink).

Dildo with a suction cup

So, all of you penetration lovers, if you’re up for playing with something firm no matter where you are, then you should definitely keep your eyes open for dildos with a suction cup. These kill more birds with one stone, as not only are you able to play with them in your bedroom or living room (or any other place that you wish), but you can also stick them to the wall and live your fantasy to the fullest. Hint: Sticking them on your bathroom wall will provide you with an amazing shower experience!

A vibrating butt plug

Magenta background with images of a pink vibrator, a black butt plug, pink anal beads, and a black inflatable butt plug
Godfather Sex Toys

How do you feel about something really quirky? Like a vibrating butt plug, for example? Now,plenty of people own regular but plugs, but thinking outside of the box and getting yourself a vibrating but plug makes up for an even better experience. There are plenty of butt plugs on the market, so it’s very important to know a thing or two about Godfather sex toys you’re buying. As far as the vibrating butt plugs are concerned, which has 12 vibrating settings or more so that you can play all day if you want and so that you’re never bored. All of them are rechargeable and the good thing is that both amateurs and anal pros can use them.

An inflatable anal plug

If you think you’re a level up and want something more interesting then the ordinary or even vibrating anal plugs, then you should definitely try out the inflatable anal plug that’s going to make you crazy. What is amazing here is that you get to feel the anal plug getting larger and larger, which caters for an unforgettable experience. Most of the inflatable anal plugs are waterproof, which means that you can use them while taking a nice, long bath.

Nipple suckers

We don’t really know what your favorite thing to suck on is, but you can certainly find something to suck your nipples even if you have no one at home but yourself. A nipple sucker is a great toy for solo play, and it’s so versatile as anyone can use them, regardless of gender. Even Cosmopolitan wrote about them! It doesn’t matter if you’re into BDSM, piss, vanilla sex, you-name-it – you will find a nipple sucker quite handy when you’re home alone and want some alone action. On the other hand, it can be used in bed as well – imagine using your mouth and a nipple sucker at the same time on your partner!

A double-ended dildo

There’s nothing kinkier than having a  double-ended dildo and using both of its ends at the same time! This is the type of a sex toy that can be used for solo fun and for fun with someone else, and that’s why it’s magical – the experience is every time different! However, make sure that you go with the dildo of the highest quality as you want it to last longer.

After all, it doesn’t really matter what sex toy you buy as long as you’re satisfied and comfortable playing with it. There are so many amazing opportunities for sex and pleasure, and don’t miss out on them because you’rraid or shy.

#sextoys #lgbtq #queer #buttplugs #dildo #nipplesucker #Australian #PeterMinkoff

For my sex toy reviews, check out this!

10 Things EVERY Kinky Person Should Try

We all have our limits, be they soft or hard. Not everyone likes spanking. Not everyone enjoys rope. We are all loosely bound by our “nontraditional” sex acts we enjoy and collectively call “kink.”

Despite the fact there is no one kinky activity everyone will enjoy, there are some kinky experiences which all kinky folks should try at some point in their kinky journey. The list of activities includes ways to connect with the community, connect with yourself, and explore the broad and very interesting world of kink.

1. Attend a Munch.

Munches are get-togethers for kinky folks to connect with each other, find out what is going on in their community, and meet new people. They are mostly held in vanilla spaces. VERY VANILLA SPACES. Think I am kidding? I have gone to munches at Denny’s, at an IHOP, at a Mountain Mike’s Pizza, and at local coffee shops.

Find a list of your local munches on Fetlife,, or even Almost all munches are attended wearing street ware so no need to dress up. If you are new, it can be useful to message the organizer on social media to let them know you are new and will be at their event. Most munch organizers will be happy to chat and make sure you are welcomed.

2. Attend a local class.

Most kink communities have people with expertise in a variety of kinky play and dynamics. Checking out a local skills or protocol class is fun and will help you connect with your community. Find a list on Fetlife,, and even Classes come in a near infinite variety so choose one which sounds interesting to you.

Depending on the event, you might need to be vetted to attend one in a private dungeon (generally specified in the event announcement). Most will be open to the public. Many will be paid events (covers space rental, speaker can make a little money, sometimes you get swag).

Attending is not only a way to expend your understanding of kink or pick up a new skill, it is also a way to meet other people interested in the same type of activities as you are!

3. Attend a kink/BDSM conference.

Kink and BDSM conferences happen around the world all the time! If you had time and money you could attend one every weekend of the year (I am not exaggerating). They run the gamut from educational events, play parties with social components, healing/spiritual events, submissive or dominant specific, academic or hands-on. You can find something which suits your fancy.

It is something special to travel to a conference, stay in a hotel filled with kinky folks, go to classes, watch performances and attend large play parties. It is a wonderful way to learn from top educators and experience/try out things you have only read about or seen online. It is also a wonderful way to meet hundreds or thousands of folks who are into kink and BDSM.

Conferences can be expensive (though well worth it!). They almost all need volunteers. If you are willing to work a few shifts at registration or room set up or other tasks you can often attend for a discounted or free price. Another option is to volunteer to be a demo bottom for a class. Traveling experts often need a local demo bottom for a class. Many of the conference sites have an option to connect with experts and see if your skills are the ones they are looking for. Demo-ing can be a way to get into a conference for no charge (at least for one day).

4. Read online kink/BDSM blogs.

There are thousands of online kink and BDSM blogs. Many are great ways to learn about kink, power exchange, BDSM, events, and even really great erotica! maintains a list of sex blogs. You can sort by topic, sexual orientation, and more to find ones which may interest you.

Reading online blogs is a great way to explore the wide world of kink. We do kink in 1,000’s of ways and learning about different perspectives and activities can help you create an approach which best suits you.

5. Buy a custom toy.

Buying a custom toy is a luxury. It feels indulgent and luxurious to pick out the materials, work with an artisan to find the perfect item for you. A handmade leather flogger in the colors you want and the materials you want, a dildo make just to your specifications, a vacuum bag, a leather belt embossed with your initials… all of these will make your scene feel special for you.

Once you have come to find there are activities or toys you love to use regularly in scenes, start looking for people who make those types of toys. Instagram and Twitter has a large number of craftspersons who make custom kink toys. Check out their shops. Chat with them online. Then buy yourself something special.

6. Experience a Tasting Party.

Many dungeons host tasting parties. These are events where a variety of activity experts come together, set up stations and you can try out many different types of kink activities. Working with an expert allows you to see how an activity is done appropriately and safely. Tasting parties allow you to try several activities in a short period of time to see if you have any interest in them.

Tasting parties can seem intimidating at first. A dungeon filled with well-practiced folks all ready to whip you, set you on fire, electrocute you, and put you in a cage can be overwhelming. Keep in mind the folks running these events are there to help you learn and explore an activity and slow and safe manner. Once you get in the room and start talking to people you will relax. It is more like a conference meet up than an Eyes Wide Shut orgy.

7. Write your own erotica.

I know lots of people hate writing or think they can’t write. I myself am dyslexic with nearly 25 years of teachers and professors telling my my writing was awful and I had no talent at it. You are not writing for your critics or anyone else. You are writing this for you so it doesn’t matter if you can’t spell or end a sentence in a preposition. You can even use symbols or shorthand if you prefer.

Writing out a scene you have fantasized about is often very empowering. You will begin to find your erotic voice. You will begin to refine the language you like to use when having sex or in a scene. You may find your writing leads you down paths of fantasy you hadn’t explored before. It may end up being the basis for a scene you have later on. It may just be slipped into a notebook and hidden under you bed. Whatever happens to it, it will be worth writing.

8. Buy a special kink/BDSM/leather piece.

Wearing something special helps empower us and can make us feel sexy. I was talking to our local leather title holder. He and I both worked in politics at the time. I was talking to him about how when I wear my 4″ stilettos it felt empowering, I carried myself differently, and my demeanor changed. I was even comfortable parading around naked as long as I was wearing them.

He revealed he had a special pair of leather riding boots a special partner had made for him. He could walk across a leatherman competition stage in just a jock and the boots and feel powerful and confident. He also wore them while giving legislative testimony under his suit for the same reason!

It might be shoes. It might be a harness. it might be a puppy mask, a special corset, or cat ears. Whatever your special kink identity is, indulge in a great piece of clothing which brings out that kinky person within.

9. Support someone doing kinky education.

Most of us bloggers, educators, and writers are freelancers or have a day job to try and support ourselves. We do kink education because we believe it is important to give voice to kinky folks and provide education to the community. Most of us pay out of pocket to maintain our blog sites, or websites, and our podcasts. We pay out of pocket to attend conferences to teach (many of these are unpaid or only come with nominal fees). We pay for head shots (and other photos), outfits, toys, tools, and more out of pocket. We do this because we believe in serving our communities.

You can support educators in several ways. Buy our books, our merchandise, and our branded materials. Buy a subscription to Patreon accounts. Send cash through FindDom or FansOnly pages. Or just send us cash (My PayPal is

10. Visit a brick-and-mortar adult toy store/sex shop.

Most sex toy shopping (like so much shopping) is now done online. You can learn a lot from online reviews of toys and some online stores are reputable. However, visiting your local brick and mortar store can be a great experience.

First, find a store. I like clean stores with knowledgeable staff and a good selection of great products. The seedy stores in the warehouse district with cheap plastic toys will not provide the best experience. Check Yelp for reviews of local stores (you may have to travel a bit for a good one).

Visiting a shop will give you a chance to touch the toys you are interested in buying. Educated staff can help guide selections if you are trying a new category of toy. You can find specialized lubes, condoms and gloves- important for those of us with allergies or unusual size needs. Even if you do not buy anything, the experience can be an adventure.

I have a few favorites in the U.S.

Autonomous Love, Sacramento, CA

Babeland, New York City, NY

Good Vibrations, San Francisco, CA

Pleasure Chest, New York City, NY

Sugar, Baltimore, MD

Wicked Grounds, San Francisco, CA (This is a coffee shop and education space primarily, but they do have a toy section and I strongly encourage every kinky person to stop by, enjoy a coffee and check them out when in San Francisco.)

#kink #bdsm #dungeon #playparty #tastingparty #sexshop #leather #munch #tips #TopTenList #sex #sextoys #conferences #community

Embracing Sex Writing

I am an accidental sex/kink blogger. This site started five years ago as a book promotion site for a book I really didn’t think too many people would actually read. Y’all surprised me. Love Letters to a Unicorn is five years old and growing in its readership.

Despite the growth of this blog and the publication of a second successful kink workbook I was reluctant to let go of my “academic” and “researcher” identities in favor of “sex/kink writer.” Part of the reluctance comes from investing two decades into becoming a successful researcher in other areas (women veterans, criminal justice) which served me well. Part of it comes from not feeling as educated about sexuality as many of my sex educator peers. Finally, I have been an activist since I was young and feel my biggest contributions come from empowering disenfranchised folks and giving voice and power to their stories.

This year I have joined a group of other writers to work my way through The Artist’s Way. Part of this project involves writing 750 words a day for a month (not a big deal for me, but I generally write for publication not reflection). I’ve come to realize a couple of things about kink writing.

The Long Arch

I have had a long arch to getting to this career. In high school I was the kid folks went to with questions about sex, who always had a stash of condoms to share, and who knew who all the queer kids on campus were because I was out and would keep their secrets. In graduate school there were rumors in the dorms that I was paying for grad school by working as a professional dominatrix. The reality was much seedier- I was an assistant to the Philip Morris, USA Political Action Committee and paying folks off with the free carton of cigarettes I got each week as part of my benefits. Even as a college profession, kids would submit policy papers on sex work and said they “felt comfortable” talking about that with me.

Oppression and Sexuality

My life has also been dedicated to advocacy for three main groups: LGBTQ+ folks, HIV/AIDS activism, and women and girls. What underlies the oppression of all these groups is sexuality. Us queer folks are oppressed and targeted not because of “who we love” but because of who we have sex with. It we just had really close friendships, I doubt the world would be so harsh. It is our sexuality which other people freak out about.

Think about this for a minute. Lil Nas X’s hit “Old Town Road” ticked off the country charts by dominating the charts for weeks with a Black rapper as the singer. People were just mad about the cross-genre issue. However, as soon as Lil Nas X made a public announcement about his sexuality people started looking for “secret” sexual meanings in Old Town Road. When he was assumed hetero, no sexuality issues in the song. As soon as he said he was gay the song “had to” be sexual.

HIV/AIDS was seen as a “gay men’s” disease for the first decade after it was discovered. People argued (and some still do) that gay men “deserved” AIDS because of the type of sex they have. In fact, even some gay folks argued that the gay men getting AIDS deserved it because of the type of sex they had.

Women are oppressed by our gender and that is largely tied to our sex organs. Cis women have to fight for things like the right to control our medical options related to vaginas and uterus. Not only are groups trying to eliminate access to abortion, our access to birth control is limited or governed by other’s perception of our sexuality. For example, when I tried to get my first IUD planted at 38 years old, the GYN at UC Davis Medical Center (trash organization) grilled me for 30 minutes on my sexual behavior because “as an unmarried woman [I] was clearly not “responsible enough” to have an IUD.” FFS.

I have come to understand writing about sexuality and kink is true to my authentic self. This work lies at the core of my activism and desire to give voice to those of us who have been oppressed.

I am dedicating all my energies this year to improving my sex writing, expanding what I am writing about, and embracing this work fully. If there is something you would like me to cover or write about, please feel free to comment.

#writing #blogging #kink #sexeducation #HIV #AIDS #gender #oppression #LGBTQ #activism

10 Things Every Bottom Should Know

Guest Post by Peter Minkoff (Homo Culture Magazine)

*This article is written mostly for gay men but has great advice for anyone engaging in anal sex!

Two white gay men holding each other.

Is there anything that a bottom doesn’t know? Well, technically, yes. Without generalization (but even if we do generalize just a little bit, you probably won’t get offended as we trust in your great sense of humor), bottom gay guys are the ones who are always extremely funny, they tend to know everything about all the feuds and celebrity scandals and beef, know who’s doing whom (is Shawn Mendes doing Camilla, though?), but do they know everything about sex and bottoming? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But, just to be on the safe side, take a look at the 10 things that every single gay person who’s into bottoming or thinking about it should know:

1. Clean yo’self

This goes without saying, and it is definitely the first thing that every gay guy should learn, may he be a bottom or a top. Cleaning yourself is the number 1 rule of personal hygiene, and it is important to know how to properly douche yourself. This can be done in the comfort of your own bathroom, which might involve some mess and a lot of spilled water, but this is the only way to know that you are 100% clean and ready to take it.

2. Watch what you’re eating

On the actual day of your sex date, do not overeat and don’t eat junk food at all. Rather, try to find some foods that are digested easily so they leave no debris in your body. After this, douche yourself properly (as rule #1 states) and you will be ready to go.

3. Relax

Once you get ready physically, it is time to get ready mentally for the penetration process (this way it sounds more medical!). If you are bottoming for the first time, then this might seem easier said than done, and guess what – you are right. You will be quite nervous before the actual moment, and it will probably hurt a bit, but the most important thing is to make it through that first wave of pain, take a deep breath, relax your muscles and you will see the difference. Know that the first time is always the most difficult one.

4. Think of sex toys

Bottom gays tend to be kinkier and kinkier these days, which is definitely not a bad thing. Seeing people become more open towards new things and trying out as many things as possible is an incredible thing. This is why opting to experiment with different sex toys is a great idea. However, bear in mind that you should know what sex toys you want to experiment with, and don’t do this during your first time bottoming as it might be overwhelming.

5. Be a power bottom

Everyone loves a good power bottom, so being one has to be your priority, at least from time to time. The bottom line is (pun intended), you need to know how to be a good power bottom. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be submissive, and your top should not be always in control of you. You can dictate the pace and the actual position, so know how to tame that penis.

6. Ride your man in different positions

Changing positions is a must. Nobody likes vanilla sex, so it should come as an imperative for you to master as many different positions as you can, and to change them during sex. After all, this is what will keep your sex life more interesting and your man more interested in you and what you have to offer. Learn and research all the different ways you can ride your man, so think of it as a rodeo practice. You can literally mess with his head if you want to.

7. Bring everything

This is one of the most confusing questions in the life of the gays – who brings what. Who will bring the condoms and who will bring the lube? Just to be on the safe side, make sure to bring everything. Why not? After all, you never know when you will need both of these things.

8. Be proud

It happens very often that bottoms feel insecure only because most of the tops look amazing and are very handsome and fit. The truth is that the key to being a successful bottom is to love your body and to accept it just as it is. Take your insecurity and make it your weapon. Make it the thing people love about you. If you show insecurities in bed, you will be perceived in a completely different light than the one you would want to.

9. Don’t act like someone you’re not

This is very close to the previous thing, but there are plenty of guys who simply act like something they’re not. It is completely understandable that nowadays, bottom gay guys think they’re less of a man than anyone else, and they tend to act in a masculine way. Know that this is not the thing that you should be doing. This is a matter of taste – some people love masculine bottoms, others love feminine bottoms, so there is really no reason for you to be someone you’re not.

10. Speak your mind

Finally, always say what is on your mind. Talk dirty from time to time – everyone loves that. At other times, state when it’s uncomfortable for you. If it is too fast, say it. If it is too slow, say that as well. This is not only important so that your partner knows if he is doing something wrong, but because sex should be a great thing for both of you, and if you are not having a good time, say it.

One would say that bottoming is an easy task, but honey, how wrong they would be! Bottoming is a skill that one has to master, and it does require just a bit of reading and experimenting. Good luck!

Peter a sex and dating columnist for TheHomoCulture magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.

I’m Tired. Can We Just Shut Up and Fuck?

I’m feeling old and crotchety after a month of Pride. Maybe its because I have been doing Pride for more than three decades and it is not as bright and shiny as it used to be. Maybe its because now that I am older and sicker, 30 days is a long time to do all things rainbow. Maybe its that I have had an unrelenting headache for nine months now. Whatever it is, I just want us all to shut up and fuck now.

I am thrilled there are several new generations of queer activists up in arms about all things queer. I am. We need new blood, new views and new people willing to take on the fight. And many of you are doing great things! I want you to keep going.

However, it seems to this old queer that the new trend in activism is to always be in activist mode, always looking for the “perfectly inclusive” events. Always on the look out for something- an image, a word choice, a seven year old tweet from a presenter- which would indicate that an event must shut down and become #woke. In that quest, we forgot why we are fighting for rights. We cannot fuck those we love without facing retributions.

Don’t get me wrong. As part of the older generation I have long taken issue to the accessibility of our events. This comes in many forms. Making spaces physically and emotionally accessible to folks with all forms of disabilities is a critical need in the queer and kinky communities. Making sure all bodies- fat, trans, POC – is critically important. Representation really matters. Off-duty cops in uniform don’t belong at Pride, ever. Yes, all these things need to be addressed.

BUT… from the decades of experience of this old activist, y’all need to turn off the angry activist switch and fuck a little more.

Being queer and kinky isn’t just about “love is love.” Its about getting hot, sweaty and freaky in ways which scare most folks in our repressive society. If I was just loving women without fucking them there wouldn’t be a need to fight fight for my rights to exist without harm from the government and public. If I was getting it on all vanilla with some dude, fighting for things like access to sex toys and consensual assault laws wouldn’t be an issue. Being queer and kinky is about fucking. We are losing that as communities.

Being queer and kinky we get to prioritize pleasure and connection.

This last Pride month I watched celebrations and events get derailed because of the quest to please every single activist group who might potentially speak up about an issue. In Sacramento, the LGBT Center who manages the main Pride celebration handled the inclusion of uniformed off-duty officers at Pride poorly. They initially announced they had reached a compromise with the police to allow off-duty officers to participate wearing polo shirts with insignia but not uniforms at Pride. Then, two days before the celebration they changed that in ways which were not transparent or open to public comment and the community melted down. This resulted in (mostly) white performers pulling out of the event in protest and to show they were allies of POC.

The same thing happened in Natomas, CA (a neighboring town to Sacramento).

I saw discussions online of two kink conferences cancelling because they could not find a hotel which did not pump in scents to their spaces. The presences of chemical scents can trigger severe negative reactions for some folks with chronic migraines and other disabilities. Rather that acknowledge this would be an issue and keep looking for next year, conference organizers decided to cancel the conferences until such a time as they find a hotel which is large enough to manage participants, which is happy to work with visible kinky queers running around in their space for four days, which is affordable for the majority of participants and which has the dates for the proposed conference in a few years.

I appreciate the desire to ally with those of us with invisible disabilities. I find it unfortunate when conferences or events occur in spaces which are not accessible to me. However, as a disabled kinky queer, please don’t cancel an entire event because someone like me has difficulty accessing it. I recognize my needs are not the same as a vast majority of people. I am not the center of the kink world. The importance of people accessing community, information, and connection is way more important than if I can tolerate the physical space you booked.

The other thing is allies need to stop this peak public performative allyship. I get it. You want to show how much you care about queer, or POC, or ethnic/racial groups. Great! Then listen to them and follow their examples.

Problematic Events and Public Responses

I look at the artist boycotts of the Sacramento Pride event. When the announcement that off-duty officers would be allowed to attend in uniform there was an outcry from the community. It was up to individuals to decide how to respond. Several artists made public announcements they were pulling out of the event to support POC. Here is the thing though… I looped in my partner (a Black man) who was performing with two other Black artists (a queer woman and a queer man). They discussed the issues among themselves and then decided to play the event. They didn’t think sacrificing a paid gig with lots of visibility among queers was worth the trade-off of the “statement” of leaving the stage to a few white artists who didn’t pull out of the event. And my partner’s group was in line with almost all the POC groups performing, including Lizzo.

It’s okay to have a “good” event even if it isn’t perfect. We don’t need to sacrafic our education, connections, and parties because we couldn’t meet the needs of every single person in the community. To be an activist who is still going 30 years later, here are a few things to keep in mind:

  1. Prioritize Progress. It takes a while to get to the perfect event (if that is even such a thing). We need to strive to be an inclusive community which means an accessible (accessibility writ large) community. If you are hosting an event, you need to think about physical accessibility, emotional accessibility, and messaging. You won’t get it right the first time. Prioritize making it as inclusive as you can and accept you will miss something.
  2. Listen and incorporate feedback. As an organizer you will mess up at some point. When a person or group approaches you and criticizes you, listen to them. If they tell you your messaging was racists, listen to the criticism and ask for specifics so you can learn and improve. If they tell you it was inaccessible, listen to the needs and drill down so you can make it more accessible next time.
  3. Apologize when you mess up. When you have missed something, apologize. If it was unintentional, its okay to say, “I didn’t understand how that would impact you. Thank you for letting me know.” Pleading ignorance by itself is often seen as defensive. Acknowledging you didn’t know something AND THEN thanking people for information goes much further. Additionally, you may want to offer to work with them in the planning of your next event.
  4. Evaluate the benefit of the event to the problems of cancelling it. Some events get highly criticized in the final stages of preparation. If you can correct a real oversight, then you should do it. If it is something which cannot be corrected at that time evaluate how egregious the oversight has been and if cancelling the event outweighs the benefits of holding a less than perfect event.
  5. Set up time to shut up and fuck. Being queer and kinky we get to prioritize pleasure and connection. Talking politics (even for those of us who are professionals at it) gets exhausting and really kills the mood. It is fine to turn down your activists side to shut up and fuck. Celebrate the community you are fighting for. Trust me, getting your queer, kinky groove on is as revolutionary as anything you are doing with your activism. We are activists because our fucking is discriminated against. Let’s take some time to celebrate who we are!

OK, I’m off to go get fisted. : )

#Pride #PrideMonth #kink #BDSM #LGBTQ #queer #disabled #invisibledisbaility #Sacramento #SacramentoLGBTCenter #SacramentoPride #inclusion #advocacy #woke

Make Pride Queer Again

It’s June, Pride Month. I have been out for three decades and have spent most of that time as a queer rights advocate. I have very mixed feelings about Pride.

Most Pride events have basically devolved into your average street fair with more rainbow crap. Replace rainbow flags with any other merchandise and these events would be no different than every other street fair in town all summer.

That isn’t what Pride was meant to be.

Pride was a demand for queer people to be safe to occupy public space.

Pride was a rejection of the dominant heteropatriarchy.

Pride was an embrace of those of us who didn’t want to get married to one person, own a home, have a kid, and host barbecues with the neighbors while serving potato salad with raisins and dried tomatoes. Pride was for queers, not the “professional passing homosexual.”

Pride was not for corporations to sell crap and cheer the “normalcy” of homos.

While Pride has been co-opted and diluted, we still need it. Queer folks still lack basic rights in employment, housing, and healthcare. We are still targeted for violence. We are still homeless more often, assaulted sexually and physically more often and hetero folks, and are still kicked out of families in ways that hetero folks never experience. We have to keep fighting for basic rights and protections.

We need more queer leaders to step up and focus on changing policies and rights rather than making money and making hetero folks comfortable.

While it is too late to make a difference for Pride this year, I encourage all of you out there going to Pride celebrations or not, to send letters or emails to the planning committees for next year with suggestions on what needs to change. I did so this year with several committees where I know the organizers. But one or two letters alone will not change things. We need to work en masse if we are going to reclaim Pride.

Ask to reclaim Pride. Ask that Pride committees stop hiding queer folks who embrace sexuality. Demand leather folks, kinky folks, sex educators, sex worker rights groups and bear groups stop being hidden at Pride events. Demand that Pride events be accessible to poor folks. Charging even $10 or $15 for entrance makes Pride inaccessible to poor/working class queers. Embrace POC and trans folks and provide accessible space. Demand that Pride be accessible for disabled folks.

Let’s face it. When the LGBTQ movement asked POC, drag folks, kinky folks, and leather folks to hid in the shadows until rights were secured for the “acceptable, professional homosexual” they sent the message to straight America that it was okay to discriminate against the rest of us. When marriage equality silenced our work for employment and health protection, we elevated the needs of rich and upper middle class white queers over the ability for the rest of us to have doctors treat our health needs and for us to stay gainfully employed.

When we put white, younger, mostly cis male faces on our movement, we abandoned everyone else.

We don’t need more rainbow chotchkes. We don’t need more “family friendly” (meaning “DON’T ADMIT QUEERS HAVE SEX!!!) events. We don’t need more face painting booths or events celebrating that some politician made it through the year without completely selling us out.

Let’s bring queerness back to Pride. Let us recognize once again that this originated because trans POC stood up to the power structure. Let us recognize that not all queers are financially stable. Let us demand that members who are POC, or immigrants without legal status, those of us who are poor, and those of us who embrace our sexuality are part of the  movement.

How do we do this? Here are a few suggestions:

  1. Sliding scale entrance fees or donations. Make sure members of our community who can’t afford to shell out $15 for entry can still get in an celebrate.
  2. Charge $$$ for corporate booths, churches, politicians and campaigns, and vendors who are only selling knicknacks or snacks. Charge minimally or nothing for advocacy groups, people registering folks to vote, and groups promoting rights of trans folks and POC.
  3. Limit the kid friendly areas. Since Pride has become a tourist event where “allies” want to bring the kiddies and are afraid that their 10 year old might see a nipple or dude in chaps (“assless chaps” and the hets call them) create a small “family” area and let the queer folks actually occupy the Pride space rather than the current trend of hiding anyone talking about sexuality and making the vast majority of Pride space a G-rated event.
  4. Stop seeking out politicians to head events when they have done minimal work to help the community. Sure, your mayor may happily open the Pride event or lead the parade because its great PR. But if they haven’t championed major policies for improvement of the lives of queer folks, they can just show up and march with the rest of us without any special hoopla. Lets start recognizing the people who are working to make serious changes to better our lives and let the politicians pay for their PR stunts if they want to come.

I wish you all a happy Pride and challenge you to get back to the roots of the movement.

#Pride #LGBTQ #Queer #power #politics #trans #POC #change #advocacy

Identifying vs. Becoming

In the kinky world we use a lot of labels. Queer, kinky, top, bottom, Master, slave, Domme, submissive, baby girl, pet, Daddy, switch, demisexual, bisexual, heterosexual, homosexual, cis, trans, agender, nonbinary, it goes on. While labels have a purpose, they are also problematic.

Labels are great in that they provide a shorthand for us to identify something about ourselves and connect with others using this shorthand. For example, if I am talking to another person who has the same understanding of the language as I do and I tell that person I am a queer, agender, service submissive that means something to both of us.  We can then have a conversation with the basic understanding of where I am coming from and where they might be coming from if they also have labels.

Labels also help us ground ourselves internally and feel “less crazy” and less alone. When I was trying to put words to my gender orientation 25 years ago in undergrad, there were no terms for nonbinary or agender folks. I saw therapists and would describe feeling “not right” or “alienated” from my body and they would suggest I might be transgender and should consider if I wanted to become a man. At the time there was only cis and trans folks in language and those of us who didn’t feel one fit were either counseled to try and make us believe we were cis or possibly allowed to explore the idea of being trans but only in relation to trans as a binary (male-to-female, female-to-male). For someone like me it was literally crazy-making.

About four years ago the term agender started popping up in the media. I had used it in my own writing for a while before that simply applying the rules of Latin grammar (a- meaning without) to “gender.” When I finally saw an article in the Washington Post about a tiny group of younger folks talking about being agender as this “new” identity I was shocked (shocked!!!) that there was anyone else out there similar to me. After 20+ years of trying to explain to folks how I experienced gender and others shaking their heads in confusion, there was finally a word that other people used as well to describe what I felt.

Labels, however, also can be problematic. One issue that arises is the “labeling” versus “becoming” issue. For anyone who has searched to figure out who they are, finding a word (a label) which fits their experience of the world and themselves it becomes an “a-ha!” moment. There is a joy and relief to know that someone before you found a way to capture an important aspect of your identity. Finding out there is a word to describe part of your experience allows you to relax just a bit and feel a little more connected and normal.

A problem arises when we allow that label to circumscribe who we are and what we can be. That is when the labeling starts constricting who we are. This happens a lot in the kink community.

Many kinky folks can recall moments in their childhood or adolescence of exploring a nascent sexuality and feeling “different.” They may have gotten really excited while tying up their friends during a game of “cops and robbers.” They might have really enjoyed the hair pulling on the playground. They might have felt “at home” when a partner started telling them what to do. Because these actions are considered deviant they might have felt different or ashamed of their emotional reactions.

When we finally find out there are words to describe these feelings (e.g., submissive, dominant, Master, slave) there is an excitement that comes with finally figuring out we are not crazy and that there is a whole group of people who feel the same way we do.

Often, this initial discovery leads us down the rabbit hole into the kink community. We start looking up stuff online about kink, BDSM, submission, bondage and so forth. We read articles and books and erotica describing what a submissive or a dominant is. We look up definitions and try and force ourselves to fit these definition.

What starts as a journey of exploring who we are eventually circumscribes our own identity. I see so many kinksters read just a few pieces and most of that is erotica, describing a D/s or M/s relationship. They then use the practices and definitions to determine who they will be in the kink world. This is a dangerous shift. When external information and descriptions begins determining who you are instead of you determining who you are you stop becoming and just start living to the label.

No single description or small number of descriptions describe the vast world of kink or even any one vein of it. Submissives come in all shapes, sizes, genders, and sexual orientations. Some of us love service, some hate it. Some love pain, others avoid it. Some love our puppy masks and leashes, others balk at such things. I have been reading BDSM writings since I was 15 — 29 years of reading, and I am still finding new ways people talk about submission!

Limiting your expressions of submission to try and fit a given model or the things you read can be painful. I have watched person after person struggle to find their identity as a submissive and fight with the “but such-and-such says a submissive is THIS! I am not that but I am as submissive so I have to become what I read about.” This often leads to feelings of failure as a sub or that somehow the label doesn’t fit.

We need to work on continually becoming and relegate labels to what they are good for- a short-hand identification of a complex identity. You have to create your own version of submission or dominance. This is a lifelong journey. You are not a character in a book or a definition on some website. Don’t let those things limit who you can become.


#identity #submission #submissive #dominant #Domme #Dom #bdsm #kink #roles #labels #lgbtq #personalgrowth #love #journey #community #agender #queer

Fetlife Protest Isn’t Just a “Feminist Thing”

For those of you unfamiliar with Fetlife, it is a social media site for kinky folks (kinky defined very broadly).

Currently, there is a group of folks of undetermined size who are planning to temporarily deactivate their accounts at the end of April as a protest to some of the current policies and procedures on Fetlife. In the last couple of years as kink has become incredibly popular in the mass media the site has grown exponentially with folks looking to explore some part of kink. As will any group that grows rapidly there are growing pains including trying to teach newbies the norms of the group.

For kinky folks who have been in the scene for more than the past five years, we had communities which prioritized boundaries and consent. We taught the trickle of newbies about the importance of boundaries and consent and corrected them when they violated these norms.

With the massive influx of new folks, they have brought the norms of wider American (and to some extent British and Canadian norms). For those of us who have watched this, we have seen more consent and boundary violations and struggled with how to deal with these issues.

Let me make this clear right now- not all boundary and consent violations are equal. They are all important. I see a clear difference between an online account consistently sending creepy unwanted messages to someone and being raped during a pick up play scene. Both need to be addressed and prevented (if possible) but they are not on the same scale.


So much of the what is being protested (but not said explicitly) is the lack of capacity to redress boundary violations. All of us have some boundaries. All of our boundary lines are a bit different. Context can affect where we draw our lines.

Most women and a large number of men of color experience online harassment and boundary violations. Most of us have received creepy, unwanted messages from members of Fetlife. This happened early on in the sites history and happens more today. They make the recipient feel “icky” and sometimes unsafe. Sometimes we just want to non-consensually beat the person who sent it.

There is a big thread on Fet that “creepy messages never hurt anyone.” Eh… ok, most creepy messages don’t end up with someone being physically injured, I’ll give you that much. However, constant harassment and nasty messages can leave a person feeling unsafe. True, you can block the sender. However, when it is a daily chore to block folks sending creepy harassing messages, people bounce from the community. Nobody wants to have to feel like they are constantly being preyed upon by random strangers will ill intent. And yes, there are those of us who log on and our first chore is to block the new creepers. It sucks.

Sending an unwanted message tells us a lot about the sender. One, you are either unfamiliar or simply ignoring normal social boundaries. Two, if you persist in sending creepy messages when told to stop or the person fails to respond to your first one, you willingly continue to violate someone’s boundaries. These mean you are unfit to play with someone in the kink community.

Kink and BDSM relies heavily on people discussing their boundaries and respecting the boundaries of others. It is back to the old example, the difference between an impact scene and assault is consent. Many people use online contact as a primary or singular source of contact with other kinksters. If you constantly violate boundaries you signal you are not willing to respect community norms and should be bounced.

Racism, Sexims, and Ablism

Many of us who receive unwanted messages get messages which are filled with racist, sexist and ablist vitriol. As a fat chick, many cis het men on Fet feel comfortable either fetishizing part of my body or sending unwanted comments about how gross they think fat women are. If I don’t know you, I don’t want to hear your stupid opinion about my looks (positive, negative or otherwise). I also don’t want to be reduced to a single physical characteristic (e.g., don’t wax rhapsodic about my giant tits and fail to notice literally anything else about me).

My friends who are people of color get harassed way worse than I do. Black men (especially those identifying as Dom or Master) get messages inquiring about the size of the cocks riddled with racist slurs. Black men who identify as submissive have shared with me harassing messages about not “being a real man” and other racist stuff Fetlife members choose to message them. I could go over the specific forms of racism each different group gets, but I think I made the point— Fet has racist members.

We block these asshats, true. Some of us report them but that puts the burden on the person being harassed to correct the behavior. Most of these creeps move on to other targets but remain active members of the Fet community.

Consent Violations

Beyond general creepy messages, some Fet members violate a person’s consent. Many of us have a clause at the top of our bio which states, in one form or another, we don’t accept unsolicited friend requests from someone we don’t know. Many slaves or submissives have additional instructions as to who to contact if they want to make an introduction. Most of these are ignored regularly by creepy folks on Fet.

If you ignore these instructions in a bio you are violating consent. When corrected, if you persist in the unwanted behavior you continue to violate consent. Its simple: read and respect the terms the person wants to be contacted by.

Learning Curves

People have learning curves when they enter a new subculture. It takes a second to learn the lingo and the norms. I understand newer folks will take time to acclimatize to the norms of the kink community.

Right now, we are at a point where our various kink communities need to decide what norms we want to enforce and which ones we should consider changing. Just because its “tradition” or has been done one way for years doesn’t mean we got it right. I am willing to consider new ways of bringing folks into the community, how we can encourage people to explore kink in a safe way, and how we accommodate the myriad of needs of kinky folks.

I think the core values of consent and respecting boundaries need to remain. Figuring out new policies which create and encourage people to understand consent and boundaries is important.

Fixing Fet

I know the folks running Fet are currently trying to figure out how to address these issues. Here would be my suggestions to kick around:

1. Implement a type of “three strikes, your banned” rule.

Fet has some serial harassers. They target one person, get blocked or bored, and move to the next. When the harassment reaches a certain threshold, I think people should be able to report it and it count as a “strike.”

I would NOT include things like sending an uninvited friend request or single creepy message. These are sent all the time and we are all adults and can deal with it. Either block (or don’t accept) the friend request or send a generic “Please do not message me again” text. This is not too onerous for anyone to do.

I WOULD include things like messages indicating someone wants to harm you, messages which contain explicitly racist, ablist or sexist language.  Messages which clearly are sent to intimidate or scare someone would be included. Messages about stalking and other illegal behaviors would also be included.

I think Fet needs to develop an oversite group who can read the reported messages and determine, based on an explicit and published rubric, if the messages count as a strike. A bot cannot be used to determine the intent behind the message- we need real, live people. When a reported message is a strike, the sender of the message would get an message from the Fet admins identifying the specific terms they violated. If the person sends three or more of these messages, they are banned from the site.

The “you have violated community standards” generic message will not work. The specifi violation(s) need to be clearly identified so that the violator may learn what they did wrong.

2. “Cooling Off” periods

Consent violations of a wide variety occur in real life and impact Fetlife accounts. There is a lot of concern (mainly by cis men) that they can be randomly accused of a consent violation as a retaliation method from some upset play partner.

Recognizing not all consent violations are equal and that no one person should be able to make an unsubstantiated claim ant then attempt to destroy someone’s online reputation, there needs to be a reasonable solution.

If the consent violation can be corroborated by others in the community and shown to have impacted someone’s account on Fetlife, there needs to be a variety of repercussions. In the worst case scenarios where someone is raped there needs to be a clearly defined process for blocking the rapist from Fetlife. For lesser violations, I would suggest there be a “cooling off” period where one or both parties is limited from using their account. In the case where someone is claiming consent violations but there is no cooboration or it is a clear attempt to get a hated ex off Fet, the account of the accuser should be limited.

I know there are many women out there claiming this is putting the onus on the victim or refusing to believe the victim. It would require that it is more than and “they said/they said” situation. You may tell me your story. I may believe you. But if we are asking a company to remove someone’s access to part of the community, it needs to be more than hearsay.

3. Recognition that people need time to learn.

Some folks violate norms and boundaries accidentally. Maybe they didn’t know it was a boundary. Maybe they didn’t realize what they were supposed to say when the violated it. Maybe no one has ever told them they are a flaming racist pig. We all make mistakes.

Fet needs to create a chance for people to learn. There are lots of options– instituting “trainings” where someone accused of being a creeper on Fet either has to read about boundaries, consents and norms and take a little quiz before getting access back to their account, or instituting a “class” online people had to take if they were accused of being a creeper or some such thing. It seems punitive, but for folks who are just online or who rarely get out into the kink world in real life, we need a way to educate them about the norms and boundaries of the community.

Simply sending a copy of the terms of use and community standards won’t work. People don’t read. Seriously, if it is longer than a tweet, most people just quit reading.

I believe people can learn from their mistakes and should be allowed the chance to learn. We can’t just randomly block every dickhole who posts a few creepy messages. They may not understand how they are being a dickhole. Let’s give them a limited time to learn and correct their behavior.

Finally, Its About Power

A lot of the posts on Fet right now about how “dumb” this protest is or how “If you don’t feel safe, leave” shows a great tone deafness to the role of power. Men have more structural power than women do. White folks have more structural power than non-white folks. Cis folks have more power than trans folks. Able bodied people have more power than bodies with various disabilities.

Most of the posts about “if you don’t feel safe, leave” are being written by cis white guys or cis white women. They have the power and they feel safe because they know they have the power. You don’t get to set all the terms of the community. White cis folks live in a safety bubble and are lashing out being asked to share it.

If you don’t understand structural power, how can you possibly understand power exchange and giving/accepting power in a relationship or play scene? Posts decrying the “snowflakes” and all just reveal who the poster is: someone who doesn’t understand power. It should be a red flag for anyone seeking a relationship or play partner in these folks.


#Fetlife #protest #onlineaccounts #bdsm #kink #consent #boundaries #norms #learning #socialmedia #rape #power #powerexchange