Category Archives: psychology

5 Common Beliefs Which Undermine Your Sex Life

You receive messages about sex and sexuality your entire live. From the media you watch, listen to, and read, to how your parents discussed sex and sexuality, to what friends say, you learn all sorts of stuff about sexuality. While some of this information can be helpful, much of it is biased, heternormative, and culturally biased.

You take in messages about sex and sexuality and even when you don’t want them to, and then they shape your behavior and beliefs. This blog covers common beliefs about sex and sexuality and how to combat them!

Climaxing at the same time is not realistic.

Movies and romance novels often make it seem like a mutual climax is the goal of a sexual encounter. In reality, this type of climax rarely happens. People are aroused at different speeds. What brings one partner to climax often does not being the other partner to climax (regardless of genders). Trying to synchornize your climaxes will often result in distracted and frustrating sex (or worse, one partner will feel pressure to fake an orgasm).

Rather than trying to climax at the same time, practice enjoying the encounter and being present for your partner. Additionally, remember that a climax does not mean sex has to stop! If one person reaches climax, you can both still engage in sex. You have hands, a mouth, toys, and so does your partner. Use them until you both enjoy an orgasm.

You Don’t Have to Be Pretty to Deserve Great Sex

It is rare to see older people, disabled folks, fat people, or anyone who is not young, thing, and abled-bodied having hot sex in the movies or a romance novel. Many of us internalize this subtle messaging and believe that if we are not thin, young, and beautiful, we do not deserve great sex.

Everyone deserves hot and consensual sex! You do not have to settle for a partner who does not celebrate you and your body. You do not have to sleep with whoever says yes to sleeping with you. If you do not desire the other person, you can say no. If the person you are sleeping with makes you feel bad about yourself, you can stop sleeping with them. If you are avoiding sex because you are worried about the way you look, you are working your way out of the sex you deserve.

Your Desires Are Not WeirD

The type of sexuality and relationship styles represented in most media are very limited. Fetishes, non-monogamy, group sex and more is often represented as “weird,” or “perverted,” or “bad.” You internalize these messages and it makes you feel awkward about your own desires.

Most people are kinkier than we talk about with others. Fully 40 percent of adults report enjoying being spanked in bed. Even larger numbers enjoy being tied-up, blindfolded, and taked dirty too in bed. Even the more unusual fetished – piss play, sucking on toes, forced feminization – still are enjoyed by a large number of people. Whatever you wnat to do sexually is a shared desire with others!

Rather than chastize yourself and worry that you are ‘not normal,’ take that energy to learn about your desires. Take a class about your interest. Read blogs and books about it. Connect with others online or in person who enjoy the same thing you do!

Your Identity Terms Should Not Limit you

You have ways you describe you identities: LGBTQ, submissive, dominant, top, pet, baby girl, vanilla, polyamorous, and more! It is wonderful to find you that there are words which describe your desires. It can feel like you finally cound a language that frees you. This can be wonderful!

However, you may fall into a trap of restricting your sexuality to what you thing a word means. You might identify as a submissive and then decide you can not engage in certain sexual behaviores because they are not ‘submissive.’ You might identify as polyamorous and therefore you avoid pursuing a relationship you desire because the person is not part of the polyam community.

How you identify should help you connect with other people and help you feel good about yourself. There is no “right” way to be be a submissive, or a dominant, or polyamorous, or bisexual. If you find yourself avoiding activities because they don’t fit your idea of what the identity means, you need to be gentle with yourself. Remember, there is no “real” way to be submissive, dominant, a switch, bisexual, queer or anyting else.

Sex Is Not Just Penetration

Thanks to our heteronormative society and bad high school sex education, you probably believe sex involves penetration. Sex is actually much broader than just penetrating someone. If genitals are involved, its sex.

Working on unlearning the “sex is penetration” myth is freeing! It allows you to see your sexuality as a much broader activity. Accepting a broader definition of sex can open up what you do, how you choses to climax, and how you feel about a partner.

#sex #sexuality #kink #bdsm #penetration #climax #orgasm #lgbtq #identity #submissive #dominant #polyamourous #freedom #ImproveYourSexLife

BDSM Beyond the Bedroom

If you are new-ish to kink you may be under the impression that power exchange and kink are specifically for sex and intimate play time. Its easy to get that impression with the way BDSM is portrayed in the wider media.

However, for many people, power exchange and kink go beyond sex and intimate play. It is a way to structure relationships, affirm identities, and maintain connections with partners.

How Do I Know if BDSM Beyond the Bedroom is Right for Me?

If you have been enjoying power exchange during sex and intimacy, you may want to consider taking it to the next level. To get a sense if this type of relationship will work for you, ask yourself these questions.

  • Do I enjoy being told what to do/telling someone what to do?
  • Do I want to affirm my identity as a submissive or dominant more than just in the bedroom?
  • Does my kinky play feel more intimate or powerful than the rest of my relationship?
  • Am I in a long distance relationship?
  • Does my partner need help getting into the kinky headspace for play?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, consider engaging in kink outside the bedroom.

Protocols

Protocols are rituals or rules a couple establishes. They can cover anything from clothing choice to personal grooming, body positions to speech and much more! The purpose of protocols multifaceted. They can help someone enter a headspace for play or other interactions. They can help affirm identities. They can help reduce anxiety. They can improve intimacy.

Because protocols are so varied, you will need to start with an area you are comfortable either giving over control or taking control over (depending on what side of the slash you are on). Below is a list of general areas and subsets of areas for protocols to consider:

Physical: Grooming, Clothing, Body Positioning, Food

Sexual: Partners, Kink Activities, Remote- Control Toys, Orgasm Control

Time: Limits on screen time or gaming time, amount of time spent with partner, exercise or meditation requirements, time spent with others

Financial: How money is spent, amount of control over discretionary spending, access to funds

Family: Child-rearing; time with parents, in-laws and other family; religious choice and practice; holidays; disclosure of kink/power exchange relationships

Choose one small subset where you feel comfortable giving over control and your partner is comfortable taking control. Start small.

For example, if you want to give over control of what you wear, you may want to start with your partner dictating date night apparel. Another simple area to control is choice of undergarments. Try this for a few weeks to see if it works for both of you. Set up at time limit and a time and place to discuss how the protocol worked for you.

Language

Honorifics are common in power exchange and kinky play. Calling someone Sir, Master, Madame, or Mistress is often part of kink play. Many people limit the use of these terms to either intimate play or when you are with community members.

You can extend this type of power exchange beyond community events. I suggest you spend some time thinking through how your honorific will be received by others not in the kink community. While calling a male dominant Sir is often widely accepted outside the kink world as simply being deferential, calling a female dominant Mistress is received differently.

You and your partner may be comfortable using your regular honorifics outside the kink community. However, if you are not, look for alternative ways to show respect and deference. Some people opt for using a Mr. or Mrs. and last name outside the kink scene. This is often more acceptable when you are with work friends or family.

Body Position Behavior

Another way people incorporate kink and power exchange into their wider relationship is to discuss where they are in relationship to their partner. This can include who walks in front and who walks behind; who is responsible for opening doors; asking for permission to sit, use the bathroom, or other similar behaviors.

These types of behaviors are subtle and rarely noticed by people not in the kink community. For situations where you and a partner might want to be very subtle about your dynamic, developing non-verbal signals such as hand motions, can be useful.

Growing Your Kink

As with any behavior change, these things will take time. People will make mistakes, forget rules or protocols, or simply be too uncomfortable in situations to continue the established behavior. In these instances, it is important to talk about what happened and see if either the protocol needs to be altered or enforced.

Keep in mind, not everything you try will work for you. It is okay to say something is not working (or no longer working) and ask to change it.

Additionally, as people grow and change, there will need to be updates to these behavioral requirements. For example, if the dominant is the person who opens doors becomes physically incapable of this due to disability, short term broken arm, or the like, the protocol may need to be altered. If a submissive develops arthritis, they may not be able to kneel for extended periods of time and alternative positions will need to be explored.

The great thing about kink is we have a lot of alternatives and ways of showing our commitment and passion for a partner. Take some time to explore behaviors beyond the bedroom and focus on how they make you feel.


If you want to explore these behaviors more in depth, check out my class on Saturday, August 21 at 12 PM PST through Black-Thorn.org.

#protocol #rules #rituals #BDSM #kink #beyondthebedroom #sex #intimacy #relationships #connection #PowerExchange

An Introduction to Body Affirming Kink Play

Feeling bad about your body is common. Regardless of your actual weight, height, ability, shape, gender, or age, anyone can feel bad about they way they look.

Feeling bad about your body can make it harder to connect with someone romantically and intimately. If you are not comfortable with the way you look, you may not want to be naked in front of someone, feel guarded, or unwilling to get physically close to someone.

Various types of kinky play and power exchange can help you feel better about your body. These exercises are for all genders, sexual orientations, and sides of the slash.

How Do I Know If I Have Shame Around My Body?

Shame about your body may not be obvious to you. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • When I look in a mirror, what do I say to myself?
  • When you start dating something new, is there any hesitation or fear about them seeing your body?
  • If you had to send a nude picture to someone today, would you be comfortable doing so without changing anything about your body?
  • Do you find yourself criticizing your body or parts of your body?
  • Do you feel betrayed by your body?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, these exercises may help you become more comfortable in your own skin.

Keep It Genuine

If you are the person giving compliments, make sure they are genuine. If you live with body shame, you are conditioned to disregard compliments. A non-genuine compliment is easily dismissed and make future compliments more difficult to accept. If you want to help the person you love feel better about their body, you need to make sure what you say is real. Keeping your compliments genuine is the most important step.

Nude Pictures Exercise

As part of your protocols, a dominant may instruct a submissive to send nude shots to them daily. A combination of one full body nude and one other sexy picture of the submissive’s choosing is often a good combination.

When the dominant receives the pictures, send the submissive genuine compliments about what you enjoy about the photo. At the end of 30 days, compare the first pictures sent and the most recent.

Mirror Exercise

Have the submissive stand in front of a mirror. The dominant begins by complimenting the submissive’s body, part by part. After several compliments, ask the submissive compliment their own body.

Make sure to negotiate aftercare before this exercise. This exercise can be very overwhelming for a person with a lot of body shame. It can be very difficult to accept compliments about your body if you are not comfortable with it.

Body Signing Exercises

This exercise works for either the dominant or the submissive. Remember, dominants can feel bad about their bodies too!

Get a set of sharpies or other body-safe markers. One partner writes loving messages on the other partner’s body. When finished, take photos of all the messages before the person showers.

This can be a triggering exercise for people with a lot of body shame. Make sure to have an aftercare plan in place.

A Note on Aftercare

With exercises that address body shame, there is a chance that the person receiving the compliments will be upset. The more you hate your body or a body part, the harder it can be to receive genuine compliments and love.

When you are planning on engaging in these exercises, make sure you negotiate what the person needs after a scene when they become upset. Because these exercises require that a person be naked, having a way for them to cover themselves and feel secure is important. A blanket, fuzzy sweater, or robe is a great option.

Over time, these exercises can help grow a person’s body confidence. Depending on the depth of body shame, it make take doing one or many exercises repeatedly to break through your walls around your shame. This is okay.

Remember, you are enough as you are. Your body is beautiful and deserving of love.

#bodypositive #bodyaffirmations #intimacy #bodyconfidence #love #relationships #bdsm #kink #selfcare #powerexchange #protocols #nudephotos

Combining Weed and Kink? Read This!

Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

Weed is now legal in 18 U.S. states and the District of Columbia; two countries (Canada and Uruguay) and several other jurisdictions (Amsterdam, etc). It is also widely available in states and countries where is is not so legal. With the increasing ease of getting marijuana, more people are using it with sex.

Many Americans (and others as well) see marijuana use as socially acceptable and consider it a less-risky drug that alcohol, tobacco, or pain killers. Most users are also parents and/or Millennials. Cool.

What do you need to know about combining kink and weed to make sure things are safe? Your Auntie is here to help!

Is It Safe?

This is a complex question. I fall into the group of kinky folks who understand no activity has a “zero risk” associated with it. Even kissing presents the risk of transmitting HSV-1 (herpes simplex), the common cold, and COVID. In that sense, smoking or ingesting marijuana is not a zero-risk activity.

Marijuana has a wide set of effects on people. You may expereince one or many of these effects. You may expereince different effects with different strains or modes of ingestion. Therefore, a blanket statement of safety is not possible.

Marijuana can alter levels of pain, anxiety, inhibition, sense of time, concentration, hunger, and sleepiness. Some of these changes may be very positive for kink play. Others can be detrimental. Generally, you should not negotiate while high on marijuana. Treat it like any other drug and negotiate while sober.

Playing high, however, will depend on your personal response to marijuana and your desires.

Physical Effects

Pain Killer

Marijuana is a documented pain killer. In the past ten years, removing the THC (the active part of marijuana that causes the high feeling and psychological changes) and using just the CBD for pain killing purposes has become popular. For many people, CBD edibles, tinctures, and teas are effective for pain relief. Microdosing (taking small amounts throughout the day) is an increasingly popular use for the CBD isolates of marijuana. CBD does not alter psychological perceptions of time and does not give you a “high” feeling. Therefore, its generally safe to play while using CBD.

As research evolves, various studies are finding that CBD + THC are required for the best pain killing effects. There are plenty of folks who use marijuana in a variety of forms for pain killing rather than getting high. When it comes to kink play, removing the “bad” and unwanted pain allows people to get more out of the kink session. If your back and hips don’t hurt, it is easier to enjoy play.

Increased Climax for Women

In several studies (like this one), researchers found that cis women who used marijuana prior to sexual intercourse, there was a significant increase in vaginal lubrication, reduced pain during intercourse, increased sexual desire, and a greater chance of reaching climax. These are strong arguments for women using marijuana before sex, unless you desire orgasm denial and control.

Other Physical Effects

Smoking and ingesting marijuana has other physical impacts which might make a difference for you in kinky play.

  • Gastrointestinal: decrease inflammation, reduce Chron’s symptoms (positive)
  • Increased hunger (neutral)
  • Dry mouth: makes oral sex and kissing more challenging (negative)
  • Clumsiness (negative)
  • Increased vaginal moisture/reduced vaginal pain (positive)

Psychological Effects

Marijuana has a couple of different psychological effects which impact kink play.

Anxiety

For some users, marijuana can increase anxiety and paranoia. Even if you have used marijuana in the past, this does not mean you will not experience anxiety in the future. Sativa strains tend to be more associated with anxiety elevation. However, all types of marijuana may cause anxiety.

Relaxation/Anxiety Reduction

For some users, marijuana can make them feel more relaxed or less anxious. Indica strains tend to more frequently be associated with more relaxation, although all strains can help some people relaxa.

Time Distortion

For some uses, it becomes more difficult to tell how much time has passed. This may or may not have any impact on your kink, depending on the type of play you engage in for fun.

Figuring Out What Weed Works for You

If you want to combine marijuana and sex, you should try specific marijuana strains prior to using it with kink. It is important to know how specific strains of marijuana effect you.

There are three main types of marijuana: indica, sativa, and hybrid. Indica strains tend to be associated with a “head high,” calming feelings, pain reduction, sleepiness, and a general slowing in thoughts. Sativa strains tend to be associated with a “body high,” elevated mood, occasional anxiety, and pain reduction. Hybrids are associated with combination of both sativa and indica strains.

In places where marijuana is legal, dispensaries categorize the strains and a good employee can help direct you to a specific strain to help you achieve what you want. In places where marijuana is not legal, your dealer will most likely know if it is a sativa, indica, or hybrid but may or may not be able to get more specific than that.

Try a few different types of marijuana prior to playing. Masturbate while high to see how your body responds. Note if you get anxiety, fall asleep quickly, have an elevated mood, and other impacts.

Once you understand your response to marijuana, let your partner know that you want to use it during a kink scene. Depending on what you plan to do and your partner’s comfort with marijuana use, you will need to negotiate your play. If you are both regular users and are established players, the negotiations may be minimal. If you are with a new(er) partner or using marijuana during sex is new, make sure to cover consent, limits, and aftercare plans.

Head Space

Marijuana’s psychological effects can alter head space. For people who relax while using weed, you may experience a deeper submissive or dominant head space. This can be very enjoyable! Marijuana can shut down worries and your internal monologue and allow you to be more present during a scene.

The increased access to improved head space also increases the chance of reaching sub or top space. Make sure to talk about aftercare to help you reground after a marijuana-enhanced scene.

For users who experience anxiety, this can make is more difficult to get into a head space to play. It may be distracting you may worry too much to enjoy a scene.

Routes of Ingestion

Marijuana can be smoked, eaten, and “dabbed.” Different routes of ingestion change your bodies reaction. If you smoke, the impacts occur within a few minutes. If you use edibles, the effects can begin 30 to 60 minutes after you eat it. This can make your level of intoxication harder to gauge. Waxes and crystals for dabbing are highly concentrated versions of marijuana. These forms of ingestion can increase the impact of smoking.

When you are figuring out what type of marijuana works for you, make sure to keep the method of ingestion the same.

Safety

If you plan to use marijuana for a scene, you need to make sure you stay safe in and out of the scene.

If you are going to have to drive afterward, knowing how long the effects last for you is critical. Never drive high. Smoking flower (the dried buds) generally has the fastest dissipating effects. Edibles and dabbing can last much longer. If you are high after the scene but need to leave, call a cab or ride share or friend.

Marijuana use, especially edibles, can cause a bit of dehydration. Make sure you have water and non-caffeinated drinks when using marijuana with kink.

Marijuana is a pain killer. This means if you are injured during play (e.g., muscle strains, cuts and bruising) you may not feel it as much. Have a partner help you with a body check for any large bruises, abrasions, or other skin concerns to deal with on the spot. Pay attention to your body for the next 24 hours to see if you develop pain or strain associated with play. Ice, heat, and anti-inflammatory medication can be administered as needed.

Recommendations

I enjoy smoking just a little bit of weed before a scene. Usually a single “hit” off a bong or pipe is effective for me. For people new to using marijuana during kink, I strongly recommend taking a small bit by smoking flower.

I am a fan of hybrid strains for sex. The relaxation effect plus a body high that does not make me too tired makes sex much more enjoyable. I will attest that for me, I do experience increased lubrication and probability of climax while high.

While these work for me, experiment with types of marijuana and forms of ingestion which work for you!

Looking for a pipe? Check out Waxmaid Store for some cool options.

#marijuana #weed #420 #sex #sexonweed #sexwhilehigh #kink #bdsm #safety #consent #Safetywhilehig #edibles

How Do You Create an Aftercare Plan?

Aftercare is a frequently mentioned idea in kink/BDSM classes and touted as “important” for safe, sane, and consensual play. Most of the time, class instructors will say to “make an aftercare plan” and mention things like blankets, snuggles and food.

However, figuring out what aftercare plan works for you is rarely discussed! Further, many instructors fail to mention any type of aftercare for D-types. So, how do you figure out what aftercare you and your partner(s) need? How can you tell if your needs change? This post has your answers!

Myths About Aftercare

Like many topics which everyone seems to mention but few really talk about, there are myths about aftercare.

Myth 1: Aftercare is needed after every scene.

Reality: People differ widely in their aftercare needs. While some people will always want some form of aftercare, others will only want it sporadically.

Myth 2: Aftercare is just for submissives.

Reality: Aftercare is for everybody! Regardless of the side of the slash you occupy during a scene, you may want aftercare at the end. The focus too often is on submissive’s only. Make sure to check with dominants and switches to see what they need at the end of a play session.

Myth 3: Rejecting aftercare is a sign of strength.

Reality: Asking for the aftercare you need is a sign of strength. You do not get any extra gold stars for rejecting aftercare. In fact, claiming you do not need/want aftercare when you do is a sign of weakness. Ask for what you need and want. It is important to help build trust and healthy relationship skills.

Myth 4: Aftercare always involves cuddling.

Reality: Everyone has unique aftercare needs. While some people enjoy and need snuggling and cuddling after a scene, other people may want a shower, quiet time, food, or an episode of Drag Race.

Myth 5: Aftercare is the same if the scene is good or bad.

Reality: You may need different types of aftercare for a scene that goes well or one that goes poorly. Make sure to talk about trigger responses and what you need if you become very upset during a scene.

Figuring Out an Aftercare PlanGood Scene

If you do not have aftercare plans in place, you will want to figure out one before you engage in a scene. There is no “one-size fits all” plan. Here are questions to ask yourself to help you build an aftercare plan.

When you are finished with sex (kinky or otherwise), what do want or crave?

Do you enjoy cuddling?

After sex or play, are you hungry?

Do you need reassurance after a scene? Do you want praise?

Do you have physical needs which should be addressed after a scene? This may include, food, hydration, bathing/clean up, pain killers, ice packs, and more!

Does the type of play you engage in change the type of attention you need?

Once you have answered the above questions, you will have a rough outline of what your aftercare needs may entail.

Getting to the Specifics

Aftercare needs may vary based on your partner, the type of play you engage in, the time of the month, and how stressed you currently are. Here are some specifics to consider:

Type of Play

Impact and Bondage

  • Are there physical needs to attend too like bruising, bleeding, skin abrasions, rope burns?
  • Are there muscle concerns like strain, overuse, or pulled muscles?

Humiliation, Forced Feminization, Mind-fucking, Etc.

Emotion-based play may require people to need to re-center and reaffirm they are okay.

  • Do you need your partner to praise you?
  • Do you need your partner to tell you that you are still okay with them?
  • Do you need to reaffirm your identity after the scene?
  • What do you need to re-ground in yourself?

Piss, Blood, and Other Body Fluids

  • Are their cleanliness issues to deal with immediately after play?
  • Are there first aid issues (especially with blood play)?

Group Scenes

  • Do you need a way to re-connect with your primary partner post-scene?
  • Do you need group-based aftercare?

Age Play

  • Do you want a teddy bear, soft blanket, or other comfort item?
  • Do you like more child-based foods (juice boxes, animal crackers) to eat?

Physcial Conerns

  • Everyone should pee after any scene involving the genitals. This helps prevent UTIs.
  • Pre-emptive pain killers. After a scene, you may feel quite elevated and unaware of physical strain. If you have been flogging or tying up someone, you probably have exerted quite a bit of muscle effort. If you have been a bottom for impact play, bondage, or other physically intensive play, you probably have some physical strain too! Wearing high heels all night? Your feet will most likely ache. Taking an aspirin, acetaminophen (e.g., Tylenol), or NSAID (e.g., Aleve, Advil) pre-emptively can be a great idea (as long as it is safe for you to take these).
  • Aspercreme, Biofreeze, and other topicals. These pain-killing topical creams can be really helpful for achy muscles. I strongly recommend them for tops who engage in impact and rope.
  • Socks: This may seem odd, but your circulation can change during a scene. As blood flow to the genitals or area of stimulation increases, blood flow to the extremities can decrease. Warm socks are a great way to keep your toes from freezing after a scene. Also, if you have Raynaud’s Syndrome (associated with many autoimmune conditions) it is really important to keep your feet warm post-scene.

Food and Drink

Kink play (and sex in general) can be physically tiring. This was never more clear than when I was backstage at a porn studio and saw the bank of energy gels, nuts, and energy bars stocked for the performers! Make sure you have access to water to drink for any type of play. I take a large water bottle to play spaces to make sure I have it available and ready for me asap.

As for food, you may want to keep an energy bar, nuts, or candy bar in your play bag for a quick energy boost. You may want to make a post-scene meal part of the aftercare. Grabbing a bite to eat on your way home (or at home) and decompressing with your partner(s) can be an enjoyable option for aftercare.

Planning and Building an Aftercare Kit

Once you know what you and your partner(s) want for aftercare, start to put together a bit of a kit. This may include blankets, stuffed animals, warm socks, energy bars, a first aid kit, and other items you regularly use. Add a good water bottle to keep something to drink nearby. Toss in a $20 so that you have cash to grab a burger or other food after a play party just in case you forget your wallet or ATM card.

Evolution

Over time, you will get to know your post-play needs better. You can refine your aftercare plan as you learn.

Additionally, as you play, your needs may evolve. Just because something worked as aftercare in your 20s does not mean it will work in your 30s or 60s. As your needs evolve, talk to your partner(s) to update the plan.

Figuring Out an Aftercare Plan- Bad Scenes

The longer you play, the more likely you or a partner will have a scene go poorly. This may be due to a physical mishap or stepping on an emotional trigger. Having a good aftercare plan means also talking about what to do if something goes wrong.

You or Your Partner Get Emotionally Triggered

While most of us know some of our emotional triggers, we all have ones we are blissfully unaware of until someone trips over them! In planning for aftercare, you should plan for what happens when things go poorly.

How do you normally respond when you become very emotionally upset?

Think about your emotional response history to when things go badly. Do you become angry? Cry? Yell? Go silent?

You need to be clear with your partners about what the signs are when you are in a bad emotional spot. If you go silent during a scene, is that a sign you are deep in sub space or is it more likely you are very angry? How can your partner tell? You should discuss this with them.

Panic Attacks

Some people have panic attacks. These can be terrifying. Many folks will feel like they are dying (with a heart attack or the like) or like they must flee. If you get panic attacks, be specific about what that looks like and what you need to become grounded.

Trama Triggers

The word “trigger” is vastly overused. Triggers, when we talk about psychology, are tied to traumas. Something will happen that sends a person back to the state of the original trauma and they have a difficult time separating what is currently going on with what has happened in the past.

Triggers are often tied to the stimulus of the original trauma. For example, I was raped while modern country western was playing on the sound system. Today, the combination of sex and country western will cause me to panic. Therefore, I ask partners not to play country during scenes.

When you are talking about your triggers, be as specific as possible so that a partner can make sure to avoid these “landmine” areas.

Sometimes triggers are unknown to us. Something will happen in a scene and we will be pulled out of our sexy headspace. Often we will feel angry or like “something is very off.” If you experience these emotions, let your partner know something is wrong. Even if you don’t have the language at the time to say exactly what is wrong, redirecting or stopping a scene when a trigger is hit is important.

Stumbling over someone’s trigger (or having you trigger tripped) can be scary and painful. This does not have to have long-term negative impacts on your sex life with a partner. If you plan for the worst and the aftercare plan is followed when someone goes wrong, you and your partner(s) can heal and move on with a healthy relationship. This is why having a plan for a bad scene is as important as a good one!

#kink #aftercare #sex #BDSM #relationships #impactplay #impact #bondage #rope #triggers #emotions #planning #care #psychology #food #hygiene

Why Mantras Are Important to BDSM

You are probably familiar with mantras. They are short statements or words said repeatedly to help focus you. They are rooted in Buddhism and Hinduism. However, many people have adopted them to fit the need to stay focused or connect with oneself.

If you have participated in some meditation classes, you probably experienced saying a single word or sound repeatedly to help focus your mind. The classic “Om” chanted during mediation is a mantra.

Why would these mantras be important to BDSM?

Mantras are there to focus the mind. In our daily lives, there are many distractions. You probably are aware of how much your brain is doing right before bed or when you take a shower. It sits there making grocery lists, winning an imaginary argument, rehearsing important conversations, going over your to-do list and more. Quieting those thoughts and focusing the mind is tricky for many of us. Mantras can help quiet those extraneous thoughts.

Having your mind focused and present makes you a better partner. Regardless of the side of the slash you occupy (or even if you switch), bringing your focus into your relationship dynamic and the present makes you more aware of your partner(s) and more able to connect with them.

Mantras can help you get into the headspace you want when you enjoy kinky play. Taking a few minutes to focus on your role and your intention before you begin playing can ground you in your role as a submissive, dominant, or anything else. Bringing intention to your play allows you to deepen what you do and experience during that time.

Mantras can become part of your protocols or rituals. For submissives who take their collars on and off, adding a mantra to the protocols of putting on a collar or removing it can serve to reinforce the power exchange relationship and connection to a dominant. For Dominants who place or remove collars for a submissive, creating your own mantra can focus you on the relationship and deepen your commitment to your submissive.

How Do I Create a Mantra?

Mantras are intensely personal. If you are using it as part of kink and BDSM, you will want to focus your mantra on your intentions and what you want to focus on after the mantra. This means you may want to create several mantras for a variety of situations.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • What do I want to focus on in the immediate future?
  • What behavior do I want to reinforce?
  • What headspace do I want to bring myself into with this mantra?
  • When will I say this mantra?

Having a clear idea of what the mantra is for will help you find the words which best suit you. Writing down the answers to the questions will help you put into words what you are trying to find.

Once you have a clear idea what the purpose and timing of the mantra will be, try writing out a short statement which captures your feelings and thoughts. You may need to edit it several times. Reading it aloud to yourself will help you see if it feels natural saying it. If there are words which don’t feel right or you find yourself repeatedly substituting other words for, change your mantra to meet your needs.

Additionally, you need to connect with your mantra. Its great to tell yourself you are beautiful, always worthy of love and connection. If there is nothing in you which believes this, your mantra will not resonate with you. Write a mantra you feel connected too, not one which you think you need to connect too.

When Should I Use Mantras?

Mantras should be used whenever focusing yourself would be helpful. Incorporating them into established protocols or rituals may amplify their effectiveness. You may wish to create one for starting your day, before going to bed, or before you connect with your partner. You may want to develop ones for when you are struggling with submitting to a partner or when you feel less than worthy.

Mantras may be especially helpful for people living with anxiety and depression. Anxiety is much like meditating on all the things which can go wrong. Your mind is focused on all sorts of horrible thoughts. Having a mantra you can refer to when you feel anxious may help reground yourself.

Depression is an awful disease. It lies to you. Depression tells you that you are worthless, unlovable, or the world would be better off if you were not part of it. Depression is very convincing when you have these thoughts. Mantras can help focus the brain and remind you that depression is only a disease and you are not what your brain is currently telling you.

Mantras are also useful for people who have difficultly leaving your daily work and needs behind to focus on kinky play time. It can be difficult to get into a deep submissive or dominant headspace if you are still thinking about what needs to be done at work, if the dishes have been done, or what you need to buy at the craft store for your kid’s next homework project. Having a mantra which focuses you prior to entering BDSM play can be immensely useful in these situations.

Next Steps

Get a small notebook (or open a document on your computer) and write down your mantras. As you need to create or change them, keep running notes. Over time, you will develop a set of mantras which work in different situations. The notebook is also helpful to see how you progress in your kinky journey.

If you find audio cues helpful, record your mantras on your phone. When you need them to focus, you can play back your recording and hear your mantra.

#kink #bdsm #mantras #protocol #collaring #collar #focus #connection #fetishplay #love #relationships #anxiety #depression

What Is a Submissive’s Responsibility?

I love it when I come across people writing about submission in a deep and thoughtful way! If you have not discovered The Pleasure Coach, check out this post to get you started: The Sovereignty of Submission.

Reading this post brought me back to the subject of power and submission (see here here and here for examples). I come from the viewpoint that both partners in a D/s style relationship have power and responsibility. Even in a 24/7 Master/slave dynamic both parties have some power and responsibility. I want to explore the responsibility of a submissive type in this post.

Agency, Efficacy and Responsibility

Agency is a sense of control. When we have agency, we understand we have the ability to respond to the world and move through our world in a given way. We have an awareness of what we have the power to control and change. A person’s perception of their agency is both changeable and situation dependent.

Personal efficacy is the belief you have the capacity to meet challenging goals. When tasked with a challenge, you have enough confidence if yourself and your abilities to believe you can take on and complete whatever the challenge is. It is critical for people to have some personal efficacy to function in the world.

Personal responsibility has several definitions. In this post, I specifically mean that we accept our own actions have power and consequences and we accept that we may be held to a moral or social standard for our actions.

Agency, Efficacy and Responsibility work together to shape how we move through the world. They are involved in everything from our classroom performance, to how we choose to interact with others, to how we conduct our sex lives. These three phenomena determine if we feel in control of ourselves, how we tackle a challenge and what consequences we believe are fair.

“Real” Submissives are Simply “Vessels” of the Dominant’s Will

All of the above (agency, efficacy, responsibility) come into play when we decide to enter into power exchange relationships. Regardless of the length of power exchange, be it a single scene or a lifetime, we have to decide how we will transform our agency, efficacy, and responsibility into a submissive relationship.

A problem has arisen in the past decade or so as kink and BDSM became popular as a form of entertainment, be it books, online, and movies. The submissive in many of the more popular portrayals reaches a status of “real” submissive once they have completely abandoned their agency, efficacy, and responsibility.

This concept of submission, which under scores the Fifty Shades series and similar accounts of BDSM, is that the “real” or “true” submissive is simply a vessel for the dominant’s will and desire. This portrayal of submission for literary purposes has little link to how submissives who entered the kink community prior to the ten years ago approached submission. Unfortunately, too many folks have been led astray by this fantasy of submission and have rejected personal responsibility, efficacy, and agency in pursuit of becoming a “real” submissive.

“The Submissive Has All the ‘Real’ Power”

This statement has become the drumbeat of many folks discussing BDSM with people outside the scene or new to the scene. The idea is that the submissive holds all the power cards and that any power exchange is simply a playful approach to relationships and sex. At any point they can withdraw their submission and end the power exchange relationship; therefore a Dominant has no real power.

This concept of power exchange and submission is popular because it reassures people who do not – or do not often – engage in submission a feeling it is “safe.” If you never really give over power, if you can always stop everything at the drop of a single word, then there is no real power exchange. Its just a game.

Yes, a submissive can stop something or change the power dynamic at any time, this comes with consequences. Submission and power exchange is consensual. In that sense, a submissive’s decision to change the dynamic is always a possibility. If the submission is not consensual but forced on someone, this is not kink, it is abuse.

The idea that the submissive can change the power dynamic in a relationship at will without significantly changing the relationship is where this narrative becomes false. Choosing to take power back can stop a scene, can permanently alter the form of a relationship, or it can be relationship-ending depending on the couple. Additionally, some submissives lose the belief that they have the power to take back their control and therefore the idea they would stop when uncomfortable is not a legitimate understanding of their agency.

The reality for most people engaging in BDSM relationships is that they negotiate a form power exchange with each relationship. There are nearly as many different approaches to changing your agency/efficacy/responsibility in a relationship as there are power exchange relationships.

Some people see submission as a “game” or part of the role play for a scene. They pause their agency and efficacy momentarily. It is more fantasy than altering their psychological orientations to these concepts. You may enjoy giving over personal agency in some areas but retain control in many. You may enjoy playing that you have no moral or social responsibility in a scene, but it returns upon engaging with the rest of the world.

Others (including me) understand submission as more of a foundation for a relationship which cannot be simply discarded when it stops working. In these types of relationships, the submissive actively works on altering their relationship with personal agency and responsibility when it comes to the areas of power exchange negotiated with the Dominant. For example, if power exchange over what one wears is a negotiated area of power exchange, a submissive in this instance will actively work to alter their psychology to feel less or no power over the choice of clothing. This type of psychological alteration can be quite profound and long lasting.

For the submissives in the second category, choosing to take back power requires both a change in their relationship to their Dominant as well as a change in their personal efficacy. Reclaiming power over an area where power was previously exchanged results in a permanent change in the relationship dynamic. Additionally, it can mean the individual has to regain a sense of self efficacy in an area of their lives.

These changes, which do happen, have profound meaning for submissives and their relationships. It may be compared to a non-kinky couple who decides to open their relationship to other partners. The decision to consensually open the relationship will have profound psychological, emotional, and relationship effects. Changing a monogamous to nonmonogamous relationship is not done without consideration, discussion, and a recognition that the partnership will be altered. The same is true when a submissive decided to alter the power exchange agreement.

The Submissive as a Vessel for a Dominant’s Power

This is another narrative which has emerged in regard to power exchange. The concept is that when someone is a “true” submissive they relinquish all agency and all decision-making power and become an extension of their Dominant. This is neither common or healthy. More often, this is a fantasy created by authors for storytelling purposes.

There is no such thing as a “true” submissive or a “real” submissive which can be determined by behaviors. Power exchange and submission is negotiated and continually negotiated by people. There are decisions around areas of power exchange, the limits of power exchange, and the desires of the people involved. In 99.9 percent of these relationships, the submissive partner makes a conscious decision to let go of certain types of power. Regardless of how much power they let go of, they retain their own ego, thought process, and decision making process. They are never fully a “vessel for the dominant’s will.” At least this is how it goes in relatively healthy relationships. Abuse is another issue all together.

This style of submission is often promoted by “white knights.” White knights are people who’s personal efficacy and agency is bolstered by controlling others. Prior to BDSM and power exchange becoming popular in with the predominant culture, people wishing to control other’s behaviors were labeled, “control freaks,” “abusive,” or “domineering personalities,” and the behavior was seen (rightly) as an unhealthy way to maintain a relationship.

Unfortunately, many popular narratives of BDSM conflate this type of abusive behavior with being a dominant. Additionally, it conflates accepting this behavior as being a “real” submissive’s approach to power exchange. As a result, we have seen an increasing number of people using BDSM as an excuse for abusive relationships (e.g., Marilyn Manson)

A Submissive’s Responsibility

Submissives are responsible for their own health, welfare, and personal behavior. At no time in a healthy relationship will a submissive give over all power and decision-making when it comes to their personal health and welfare. This is partly because no one else can inhabit our bodies and minds and therefore we cannot understand what another person experiences fully in terms of health. We can communicate our health needs and bodily experiences, but another person cannot fully know what we experience. The act of communicating our experience and needs is in itself a form of responsibility.

Any person entering into a submissive/power exchange relationship for any duration of time has certain responsibilities. The parameters of these change as the relationships but the submissive will always have some responsibilities.

Communicate About Health and Welfare

Weather you are entering into a single scene or a lifetime commitment, a submissive is responsible for disclosing pertinent health and welfare information to a partner. Full consent is based on knowing pertinent risks of engaging with someone.

This does not mean you have to provide a full health history to your pick-up play partner. It does mean you should let them know about health issues which may change how you have to interact. For example, I have had several partners who had asthma. I need to know this before we play so that I can keep an eye out for signs of wheezing and breathing issues. Decisions about the types of play we engage in can be altered by understanding this medical condition. For example, I may choose to not engage in breath play with an asthmatic because of the increased chance of harm. Additionally, I will want to know where to locate a rescue inhaler in case I need to access it during a scene.

I understand some heath issues may be hard to discuss. I live with Bipolar I disorder and a history of cutting. For a quick pick-up play scene I don’t feel a need to get into the details of this with a partner. However, when I have done pick-up play for knife play, disclosing I engaged in self-harm is part of making sure my partner can consent to play. Your health conditions and how well they are managed will determine what you need to disclose for consensual play.

Financial Well-Being

You are also responsible for making decisions about your financial welfare. I recognize some couples negotiate financial power agreements. I am not saying those are bad. In many cases, having one partner control the finances will work for long-term couples. Many, many non-kinky couples have such arrangements after marriage.

What I am talking about here is your responsibility for understanding the agreements you enter into and do it willingly. Finance can be something as small as deciding which events to attend as a couple and who pays. For example, for years as a researcher and Executive Director, I often made significantly more than my partners. I did not want to pay for every kink event, however. We had to negotiate what I was comfortable paying for what what control I would keep over my funds.

Plenty of you have been in this position. You and your partner want to attend a kink convention but only one of you can afford it. Every partnership will have a different level of comfort with a single partner paying for an event. Just because you are a submissive, a partner should not command you to pay for what they want without discussing finances with you.

Financial harm can be long-term and significant. A bankruptcy, plummeting credit score, or a drained bank account may have impacts long after a relationship is terminated. Finances also control where you can live, what transportation you have access to, your ability to feed, clothe and care for yourself. Regardless of your power exchange style, submissives remain responsible for assuring they can meet their basic financial needs.

Kink Play

As a kinky player, you are always responsible for learning about they fetish play you engage with. This does not mean you have to be an expert before trying something out with someone. However, you are responsible for understanding the basics and the risks before agreeing to it. This is especially important these days with so many “dominants” claiming expertise in an given play and lacking even basic understanding of safety concerns.

No play is 100 percent safe. Even kissing involves the risk of passing along herpes simplex (those painful cold sores!) and other diseases such as the common cold. When you decide to engage in a type of play, be it role play, bondage, impact play or something else, there are a set of risks which come with it. Familiarize yourself with the basic safety issues of what you and partner are going to do. Your dominant or pick up play partner is not responsible for educating you about every risk of the play before you agree too is. (For great places to learn, check out my BDSM Resource Page).

Safety concerns are not just about potential physical injury. Yes, suspension, impact play, blood play and more come with obvious physical risks. However, your personal health and your mental health also determine the risk level of play.

For example, if you have been under significant stress without much reprieve (say, stuck at home with your teen during a pandemic) the build up of cortisol in your system can make your skin thinner than normal. This presents added dangers for rope bondage and impact play. You need to be aware enough of your own health to determine how much of a risk you are taking with the type of play you like.

Mental health is also important to evaluate. Even with pick-up play there can be significant emotional involvement or catharsis. This may be what you are seeking. It may not. You should be familiar enough with the play and what you are planning to engage in to make an informed decision about your own actions.

Submissives Legal Responsibility

The idea the submissive is a vessel for the dominant’s can have major legal implications. Laws in many countries consider anyone over the age of majority responsible for their own actions. Saying your partner told you to steal something or assault someone will not absolve you of responsibility. There are plenty of women in prison who were in abusive relationships, did something for their partner that was illegal, and are now serving time.

If your partner is asking you or directing you to engage in illegal behavior, your actions are – under law- your own choice. You have to decide if YOU (not your dominant) wants to engage in illegal behaviors. Partners pressuring you into doing something you are uncomfortable with or something illegal is a sign of abuse.

Player’s Remorse

The longer you play, the higher the probability you will end up having a bad play session or relationship. It is the nature of human relationships that they are not 100 percent satisfying. Submissives have to own their own role in the relationship or play when it goes awry.

It can be hard to admit to yourself when your behavior contributed to a debacle. No play is completely controlled by a single individual. When you feel bad or have had a traumatic session, you need to allow yourself space to figure out what went wrong.

There are times when sexual assault or rape happens under the guise of BDSM. If this is the case, it is important to acknowledge what happened. If someone clearly violated the consensual boundaries of play, did not stop when you used the agreed upon language to stop, or initiated sex after you were impaired and could not consent, this is rape and not your fault.

Much more often, we have a bad break-up, or a fight, or someone is a dick we didn’t expect to be a dick and we regret being with them (in whatever capacity). Its unfortunate but not a reason to melt down on Fetlife or at a munch or demand they are barred from all events.

Because many situations are unclear to outsiders, being willing to answer questions about your situation is normal and should be expected. Answering them honestly is part of a submissive’s responsibility. I say this as someone who has been both sexually assaulted as well as drugged and raped. If you have approached a dungeon owner or an event organizer to report someone who has violated your consent, they will have some questions. They are not trying to invalidate your experience and they are not “on the side of the rapist” simply because they ask you to clarify what happened. Too often I have seen subs with player’s remorse try and get a prior partner banned from a space. When asked to clarify what happened, they put the organizer or owner on blast.

Everyone in the community is responsible for identifying abusive people and dangerous players. We need to have some facts about a situation which will allow us to do this effectively. As a submissive, you are responsible for being honest when asked questions about someone you had a negative expereince with.

Bottom Line

Choosing to enter a power relationship as a submissive or a play scene as a submissive does not absolve you of your responsibilities. People in every scene identity are responsible for providing partners with enough information to engage in consensual play.

Anyone engaging in BDSM and kink is also responsible for learning about the risks involved in the activities they are engaging with. At no point in a power exchange relationship is the submissive absolved of all responsibility.

We retain agency even as we negotiate the parameters in which we will exercise that agency. My subby folks, own up to your part in making informed, consensual decisions.

#submission #dominance #dominant #submit #kink #bdsm #powerexchange #rope #bondage #roleplay #relationships #responsibility #consent #RISK #RACK #SSC

New Year! Better, Kinkier YOU!

I am so excited to announce I will be working with Wicked Grounds to host “30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery” in January 2021.

So many people are looking for ways to develop and explore their kinks. There are great books, blogs, and classes out there. However, sometimes we need a space to connect with others in our kinky journey and work through what we need from our kinky sex lives, our relationships, and ourselves.

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery is designed to help participants connect with others and develop their identities. Weather you are new to kink or established in the life style, there is always plenty of room to grow. This class will connect folks to talk about a wide range of kinky topics.

Additionally, participants will have the option to do at-home exercises from journaling, to readings to sharing images with other class participants. We will talk about things like “what makes someone submissive or dominant?” “Are specific kink acts only for one side of the slash?” and “How do some people use kink to address past emotional trauma?”

I have put together a huge list of resources for use after the class so that you can continue your kinky jounrey. From readings, to exercises, to coaching options, to dating sites and more you will have access to these resources long after the class ends.

The class comes with a free workbook and options to check in daily. Course packages start with a single class, 5- 10- and 20 class day options, and the full 30 day course. The first course on January 2nd is FREE to all interested parties.

This class is open and appropriate for all genders, sexual orientations, sides of the slash, level of experience, and sexual expressions.

I am includng the class schedule below for people who want to check it out before buying a package.

Tickets are availabled at:

https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4848428

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery

Course Outline

Jan 2    Introductory class (Free), Course overview, ways to explore your kinky world

Week 1: Me, Myself, and I

Jan 3    Kink origin stories and how they shape our identities

Jan 4    Blurred lines: identity, roles, and expression of kinky self

Jan 5    Finding our language: looking at labels, connotations, and concepts of identity

Jan 6    Visual Stimuli: Images of kink and our identity

Jan 7    Ideals: Relations, Role, and Sexual Ideals of the self

Jan 8    Drives: What drives your desires

Jan 9    Drilling Down: Identifying your core kink

Week 2: Roles

Jan 10  Defining Roles in Kink

Jan 11  Dominance: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 12  Submission: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 13  Switches: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 14  Identifying Your Needs and How Roles May Meet Them

Jan 15  Always, Often, Sometimes, Never: Desired Amounts of Kink

Jan 16  Sexual and Fetish Activities and Role Intersection

Week 3: Power

Jan 17  Interpersonal and Situational Power in Kink and BDSM

Jan 18  Finding Your Personal Power

Jan 19  Power for All Identities

Jan 20  Alternative forms of Power in Kink

Jan 21  Circles of Power

Jan 22  Power and Dominance

Jan 23  Power and Submission

Week 4: Getting Very Personal

Jan 24  Consent: What is it? Is it Situational? How to ask and keep it sexy

Jan 25  Kink and Trauma: Overview on interactions of kink and trauma

Jan 26  Kink as Healing

Jan 27  Kink, BDSM, and Mental Health Concerns

Jan 28  Kink and Your Body

Jan 29  Limits

Jan 30  Yikes! Dealing with what scares you

Jan 31  Going Forward: Where do you go from here?

Vaginal Dryness? It’s More Than “Just Add Lube”

I am a huge fan of lube as a normal part of sex. I have been using it since I discovered it in my teens. It is essential for fisting, anything involveing anal, and is really useful with toys. It should be normalized for everyone to have a bottle or two around the house for solo and not so solo sex.

Until this year lube was not required for me when it came to vaginal penetration. I easilIy got wet when aroused. Very wet at times. It was simply part of the sexual experience for me. Unfortunately, I developed Sjogren’s Syndrome which is an autoimmune condition where your body stops producing tears, saliva and other bodily fluids.

I knew Sjogren’s was a possible tag-along condition I could develop when I was diagnosed with systematic lupus several years ago. I hoped it wouldn’t happen. When it did, I was ready for it- mostly. I was able to get a prescription for eye drops to address the painful chronic dry eye. I have an over-the-counter mouthwash to deal with the dry mouth. I have plently of lubricants for vaginal dryness (a benefit of product testing for this site!). What I wasn’t prepared for was the emotional impact of vaginal dryness.

Vaginal dryness happens to people with vaginas for lots of reasions. It can be health issues (like me), aging, hormone changes (like menopause), medications, or your body lacks the lubricating response for other reasons. There are a lot of sites which address this issue as simply a medical issues: add some lubricant and voila!, problem solved.

Almost no one addresses the emotional and sexual impacts of vaginal dryness. That is what I want to talk about here.

How It Started

For me, I began to notice I was not getting wet when I masturbated. I normally have a decreases level of arousal when I masturbateas compared to sex with a partner, but I would get wet to some degree. Eventually, that response was no longer present. About the same time, I noticed I was significantly less lubricated during sexual play with my partner. It was not totally abscent at first, but it was definitely dimished.

Over time, we added increasing amounts of lubricant to our sexy time. However, constant dryness makes the vaginal canal fragile. I started to bleed after instertive sex, no matter how much lube was used or how gently we played. I just had to plan on bleeding after sex for a few hours.

As much as I know this lack of a physiological response is due to a diagnosed medical conditionand that using lube for sex is totally normal, I still felt bad about my inability to get wet for my partner. Bleeding after sex only served to remind me for hours after intercourse that my body was no longer working like it should be (or at least used to).

Honestly, it made me feel much less sexy. For me, there was something really hot about making out with a partner and lubricating as I got turned on. To feel a partners fingers glide through my wetness was hot! Even when I used to masturbate, getting wet amplified the pleasure. Without the capacity to self-lubricate, I felt I lost a part of my sexiness.

The Talk

I was not the only one to notice I was getting less wet. My partner asked me what was going on. He natrually made the assumption I was no longer as turned on by him as I used to be. This could not be farther fron the truth, but I understood why he would feel that way. I explained what was happening medically to me and that we just had to add some lube.

He was more than willing to add lube into our regualr routine. However, this takes some practice and reminding him. We got together before this was an issue. He has seen me sick with lupus, which is a condition that goes in phases. There are times when I feel really crappy and times when I am much better. When I feel better, I function closer to what I did when I was healthy. Sjogren’s is not like that. Its here to stay.

Having to remind him for the first several sexual interactions after I told him what was going on made me feel crappy. It was like I failed him. He never said or did anything to indicate he was upset about having to use lube. The feeling was all internal, self generated shame at losing functionality. Nobody tells you that this is going to feel so emotionally bad when you mention you have vaginal dryness, so I am telling you.

And Now…

It has been a year or so since I started dealing with vaginal dryness. It still sucks. It continues to make it more difficult to feel sexy and get in the mood for anything sexual. While I remain deeply attracted to my partner and enjoy our intimacy, it is a higher hill for me to climb to want to move from hugging and kissing to something more.

I remain determined not to let my sex life fade or become some routine thing where I just go along with it for the sake of the relationship. I still want to enjoy really great sex. I am not going to lie, vaginal dryness makes this a bigger challenge than it used to be.

Female sexuality in western medicine is treated like some sort of mystery that is unimportant to solve. I am still not sure most medical doctors can even find the clitoris without a labled diagram. Vaginal dryness is written off as a “nuisance” to be treated with any basic lube out there. There is absolutely no attention paid to the other impacts that this can have on a sex life. Its frustrating.

I have been exploring a number of lubricants and various dryness treatments. I am hoping to have something good to report out in a review in the near future. In the meantime, if you or one of your partners suffers from vaginal dryness, remember its not something that is just “lube it and forget it.” Its more complex. It takes time and talking.

Addendum: Rachel Rose recently shared this list of drugs that can cause vaginal dryness. You may find it useful.

#vaginaldryness #vagina #lubricant #sex #sexuality #emotions #lube #SjogrensSyndrome #Sjogrens #Lupus #SLE #systematiclupus #insertivesex #communication #medication #menopause #depression #antidepressants

Having a Hard Time Feeling Sexy? You are Not Alone!

Its been a hard year. A. Very. Hard. Year. Between COVID lockdowns and restrictions, the election, the United States beginning to recon with is horrible treatment of Black Americans, many of us losing our jobs, and just general jack-assery by so many people, it has sucked for most of us. Me included. There are plenty of days I want to run around screaming just to try and release a sense of existential dread.

If, in the middle of all of this, you are having a hard time feeling sexy and like being intimate, you are not alone. I talk with a lot of folks who work in BDSM/kink education, sex education, and sex work. Every single one of these folks have expressed that they are having a hard time wanting to be intimate and feeling sexy.

Sexuality is an innate human need. The need to have sex is as innate as fighting and fleeing. In fact, many psychologist consider sex as the third response to high stress: fight, flight, or fuck (Why Smart People Do Stupid Things , Frank Stass). Anyone who has not been able to express their sexual desires in a healthy way, wether by choice of by force of circumstance, understands how much anxiety and frustration this can cause. The pent up energy and tenstion often spills over to impact other parts of our lives.

Additionally, for most of us, sex and intimate connection serves as a second language with our partners. We communicate care, desire, and a level of trust when we have sex with someone. For those of us who are partnered, when sex stops in a realtionship, it may feel like we have stopped communicating or that we disconnected from a person we care about.

So, if the world currently has you feeling disconnected and not sexy, what (if anything) can you do?

It depends, in part, on what is making your withdraw from sex. Some reasons are more easily addressed than others. The following are simple suggestions for helping you reconnect with your sexuality in this stressful time. Please keep in mind, depending on your health, your ability level, your relationship types, and your sexual needs, some of these will be more relevant than others.

You have been sick and don’t feel like having sex.

This is something I have great familiarity with! Having multiple chronic medical conditions means I often don’t feel well. When anyone feels physically crappy, it can be really hard to want to have sex. What many people don’t talk about is that when you have been ill, even after the illness has past, it may have lingering impacts on your sexuality.

If you have been sick with COVID19 or suspect you have COVID19 the first and most important thing is not not infect others (including your sex partners). Several states have had their health departments issue statements on how to increase safety of sexual contacts during the pandemic. You can check out one of the more comprehensive advisory documents here. These guidelines are really helpful so pay attention!

DO NOT ATTEND SWINGER EVENTS (seems obvious, but… people are being stupid now)

If you have recovered from COVID and are not infectious or have other illnesses which have resolved there can be lingering effects which make sex unappealing.

You still hurt.

COVID and many other viruses (including the common cold, flu, or unspecified “virus”) often leaves people feeling achy and tired. These will pass. In the meantime, taking anti-inflamatory medications like Tylenol, Advil, and Aleve can help with the achiness and pain (follow the instructions on the package with these medications). You should also focus on replacing what has been depeleted from your body. Adding in electrolyte-rich drinks (Gatorade, coconut water, Pedialite) are helpful in helping your body rebalance. Finally, rest is also helpful. Getting a bit of extra sleep can help you feel better.

As you feel better, your sex drive will often return. Feeling ill more than 10 days after your fever and other major symptoms have passed is not normal. If you continue to feel very fatigued and achy weeks after your illness, you should follow up with a doctor.

The Stress is Too Much

Welcome to the club! Stress can be overwhelming and a total sex drive killer. Stress can come from many sources. Some of these sources you have the ability to control, others you do not. So the first step is to figure out what are the sources of your stress. Work, school, losing a job, money issues, family, home schooling, food access, social media, feeling lonely or isolated, worrying about politics, and more can add to the stress of your life. Spend some time thinking about or writing down where your stressors are located.

For many of us, stress is increased through two major sources: social media and television. So many of us feel a need to keep up with what is going on in the world through the news (both television and newspapers/magazines). There is some good which comes from being aware of the major developments in the world. However, too much information (this will vary per person) can overwhelm us, making us feel hopeless, helpless, and/or angry.

If you find that watching the news every night, watching whichever cable news sources you like on a regular basis, or reading the paper causes you stress or anger, put limits on your consumption. Some folks watch a lot of news programming to try and feel more in control of life. However, there is plenty of evidence that demonstrates the more news you consume, the more angry and stressed people become. If you can’t cut out news consumption completely for a few days, try reducing your consumption. If you watch four different news programs a night, reduce it to two and see how you feel.

Social Media.

Social media is also a common source of stress and anxiety. Most folks are familiar with social media breaks. Those may work if your connections or your job is not dependent on social media. However, with many of us unable to meet up with friends and family in person, social media can be a major source of connection and support. For some of us (like your’s truly) disengaging with social media is problematic because my work depends on frequent social media engagement.

If you cannot take a social media break (or simply don’t want too) there are other ways to make your social media expereince more positive.

Use the block and mute buttons.

The options to block, mute, and take a break from certain posts and people on social media can make the platforms so much more tolerable. I liberally block folks on social media who post abusive rants, are antitrans, homophobic, fatphobic and r.acist. People who are posting hateful rants are not interested in conversation and learning about you. Just block them.

Twitter allows people to block certain words. This will eliminate posts from people and bots about issues which makes you stressed or angry. You can always unblock these terms when you are ready to re-engage with a topic.

Facebook allows you to take a break from a friend’s post for 30 days. Have a friend posting long diatribes about how much they hate something, how sad they are, how much they hate the holidays or whatever that make you cringe every time you see thier name pop up? Take a break from their posts. You can still be friends on Facebook. You just won’t see their posts for a month.

Don’t Read the Comments.

Anyone who has written something that was posted on the internet knows that the comment section is like walking through a sewer. Sure, there are some delightful comments. There are also a lot of crap that needs to be disposed of. If you read an article and feel the need to read the comments, don’t. If you post an article or a video on a platform, you can set your settings so that you can approve comments. This is really useful. For example, I require that on this blog. I approve comments both praising and criticizing posts, but I block spam posts and abusive posts so that other’s don’t have to read them. You can do the same to help people lower stress.

Set Boundaries.

Dr. Tressie Cottom tweeted the other day that when you are working from home you can send that call from a family member in the middle of the day or you can answer it and forget getting anything done than the rest of the day. This is very true.

If you are working from home, friends and family may be tempted to treat your time like you are on a day off. Setting boundaries of when you work and when you engage with freinds is important. The same with schooling your kids at home. It applies in the reverse as well. If you work from home it can be easy to end up picking up an assignement after five. Don’t. Keep work during work hours, home and others during non-work hours.

As you being to limit the items which cause you stress, it can help bring your sex drive back. There are some things you have no control over. If you are unemployed (as my partner was for most of the past 6 months) how much money will come in is incredibly stressful. This has not been helped by the federal goverment jerking people around with the supplemental unemployment funds. You cannot control how much money comes in, how fast the Employment Development Department processes your form, or how the tiny sum you get from unemployment fails to meet your bills. Its okay to be angry about how shitty this all is. Its awful and hard. If you are here, I am so sorry you are dealing with this.

You Feel Lonely.

This is a huge problem for many of us. Single or partnered, living alone or with family, introvert or extrovert we are all experiencing some lonilness right now. All of us have had our normal forms of human interaction stripped. Going to coffee, grabbing dinner, hugging people, going to parties and more are now no longer options for may of us. If you are like me, you haven’t seen most of your frineds and family in person since at least February. This is an awful feeling.

First, we need to acknowledge that regardless of your living situation, we can all feel lonely. I live with my partner and my mother. However, I still feel lonely at times since I have not been able to see friends on a regular basis. For most of us, video chatting and phone calls are not enough to replace our ususal interactions.

The longer this lonilness continues, the more likely we are to withdraw from the realtionships we do have. Its part of the process of disconnection. As we disconnect from our larger social network and our regular routines, the more we tend to disconnect from everything.

Create a routine for connecting with others.

While video chatting, texts and phone calls are not a full replacement for other connections, they help. To prevent yourself from spiraling into lonliness, create a connection scheudle. My mother has a phone call schedule with her sisters and a few friends. She knows on Tuesday she calls Dottie, on Wednesday its her sister Beck. My partner does a family Zoom call on Sundays and regular text chats with his daughter (she doesn’t live with us). This all helps reduce lonliness.

Find communities online.

As we have spent more time in the pandemic, more groups have moved regualr meetings online. There are several kink organizations which have moved munches online. There are national and international groups for submissives, queer folks, dominants and more who meet up on a regualr basis online to chat. While not the same as an in-person event, it feels great to connect with other kinky folks online.

You Just Don’t Feel Sexy.

Many of us haven’t had our hair done, a good waxing, or a decent manicure in months! This can make us all feel unsexy. While many at-home beauty regimes are not the same as a professional one, they can improve how you feel about yourself.

I tried to let my grey grow out gracefully. I just felt washed out and old. My hairdresser cannot see people in person, but she was willing to mix up the custom dye I get and sell me a kit to do at home. It makes her a little money and made me feel prettier. I have learned to shave my man like a barber would. I trim up his beard and mustache weekly. Its turned into a bonding moment.

We also have let many of our usual grooming rituals go. For those of us with long hair, how many days in the past month have you just put it up in a messy ponytail? Yeah…. For those of you who wear make-up, when was the last time you did a full make-up job on yourself? Letting these things go can lead us to feel less sexy over time.

Take some time to enegage in the grooming rituals you enjoy. Shave. Wax your legs. Dye your hair. Spend some time getting your eyebrows in shape. Put on a little perfume. All of this can help you get your groove bak.

Go on a “date.”

Many of us have not been on a proper date in ages! This break in our romantic routine can cause us to feel less intimate with our partners. Seven months into this epidemic, most at-home “dates” just don’t cut it. Here are a few “date” ideas.

Get an ice cream cone. This has been our go-to date since lockdown. My partner and I drive to the local Baskin and Robhins and get two cones. We then go outside and walk around away from people as we eat the cones. Now that it’s colder, we sit in the car and eat them while we talk. Simply getting out of the house for an hour and sharing a treat is really connecting.

Get outside. Its safer to be outside. It was easier when it was warmer, but in most states its still possible to bundle up and take a walk. Go to a park, go hiking, go to a bike trail, and walk for a bit with a partner. It breaks up the feeling of being confined to the house and job. If you feel like it, grab something to eat and have a picnic.

Go to a movie (when possible). California just rolled back into the major lockdown restrictions so this is out here for a while. However, theaters have re-opened and will be re-openeing in the future. Most of the time there are very few folks in the theater. Many theaters have the ability to book online and reserve a seat now. Check your local venues to see what is playing and how crowded the theater is. If safe, get a ticket, wear a mask, and see a show. Here, my guy and I discovered gonig to the last showing of a movie on a Sunday night (usually an 8 PM showing) we are the only people in the theater. It has been a great break!

Its all about getting out of the house in a safe way and spending a bit of time with someone you care about. This break will help you both relax. The relaxation can help you get in the mood.

Nothing works.

And… sometimes nothing works. There are days, weeks, or months where you just won’t feel like having sex. It may suck, but it happens. If this is the case, it is important to recognize you are not feeling sexual and honor that. Cuddling can be healing. Gentle kisses and running your fingers through your partner’s hair feels great. If you aren’t in the mood, don’t force it.

I hope you can find connection and sexiness in the face of all this mess.

#COVID19 #sex #sexuality #lockdown #tips #relationships #sexytime #datenight #stress #anxiety

30 Days of Kinky Self Discovery

A formatted and printable version of this post is located here:


I’ll be honest. I have been half-ass writing this for a while but have lacked the discipline to really get it done. I was in a D/s discussion group where a number of folx mentioned that they had done similar exercises in the past with varying success.

I figure since many of us have a bit more time at home with conferences going online, play spaces shut down, and travel not happening for many of us, this was finally a time to get off my duff and finish this post.

This post provides 30 days of exercises to help people expand their understanding of themselves and their kinky side. For the most part, the exercises should be done in order, but that is not mandatory. If you are not up for a particular exercise, skip it and find one you want to do.

You do not have to do this 30 days consecutively, but it will help.

You can do this alone. You can buddy up with a friend and do the exercises and chat. You can get a small group together and work through them and talk about it through online forums. Its your choice! We all learn differently, so work at your own pace and in your own way.

Supplies you will need:

Journal (any kind) – this can be any type of notebook. I use my computer to journal because I hate writing long hand. If you prefer to record thoughts with an audio recorder, go for that.

Mirror, preferably full length

Camera (this can be the one on your phone, or any other one you like)


A Note About Journaling: I am a writer and it is a way I naturally process information. This is not the case for everyone! If you do not enjoy writing, find you have a block to it, or just don’t process well through prose, try other journaling styles. You can create lists, try bullet points, or even draw pictures. Whatever method helps get your ideas down on a page for you to return to later will work.

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery

Day 1. Journal Entry.

What do I currently like about my kinky side?

What do I feel is missing from my kinky world?

How do I see myself in the kink world? (What side of the slash? Am I a leader in the community? Do I just do this for me?)

Day 2. Journal Entry.

What got me interested in kink/BDSM?

What were my early reactions to the kink scene?

Day 3. Journal Entry.

How do I feel about the following words: Dominant, Submissive, Master, Slave, Pet, Owner, Top, Bottom

(For an idea, see my blog post, “The Flavor of Sir” here)

Day 4. Selfie Day.

Dress up in your favorite kink outfit and take several selfies. Add the best of these pictures to your journal.

Day 5. Journal Entry.

Look at the selfies you took yesterday. Write out a scene where your sexy self gets picked up for a kinky date by a person you would love to play with. Write this entry from the perspective of the sexy person picking you up. What do they notice about you? How do they approach you? How do they make you feel desired?

Note: This might be hard for many of you. Seeing ourselves as an object of desire can be difficult. Take some time to think about what you see in your kinky selfie that would make someone say, “Now I need to meet that sexy person over there!”

Day 6. Journal Entry.

Write down a list of things you need from the kinky world. This might be a play partner (or a dozen play partners); a good munch; affirmation of your identity; regular conferences; references for great toy; friends; a home dungeon and more! Think of your needs broadly. Think about sex, touch, emotional connection, sense of community, emotional support, physical spaces, and other broad needs.

Day 7. Read a kinky author you do not normally read.

We all get stuck in our patterns of reading a few authors. Take some time to seek out a new voice. Here is a list of some sites you may enjoy:

Sugarbutch Chronicles Coffee and Kink Sunny Megatron Gotham Club Poly Role Modles

Redhead Bedhead Hey Epiphora Girl Boner Jiz Lee Eve Adler Spices of Lust Kink Doctor

Day 8. Journal Entry.

What makes you feel loved and cared for?

Day 9. Journal Entry.

What made you choose the kink identity you now express (e.g. submissive, dominant, pet, switch, owner, exploring). How much of your kink identity was dictated by cultural conventions (“Women are submissive. Men are dominant. Switches suck.”) Did you feel you had a choice in choosing your kink identity? Do you feel your current identity still fits how you express your kink?

Day 10. Mirror Exercise.

This exercise will be difficult for many of you. Its okay to stop short if you become too upset. Be gentle with yourself.

You will need a mirror large enough to see most of your body.

Find a space where you can be naked and quiet for 10 minutes. Turn off your phone’s notifications (don’t worry, this is only for 10 minutes). Make sure the television, computer streaming, and music are off. You should be in a quiet space.

Get naked. Set a timer for 10 minutes.

Sit, stand or lay in front of the mirror. Look at yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts as you look at your own naked body.

When the ten minutes are up, write down what your thought about while looking at yourself in a mirror.

Day 11. Journal Entry.

Look at yesterday’s journal entry after watching yourself in the mirror. Identify all the negative and critical comments you wrote about yourself.

Write an apology to yourself for being so judgmental about your body. Tell yourself you are beautiful and sexy even if you do not feel that way looking at yourself.

When you are finished. Read the entry aloud to yourself.

Day 12. Exploration.

One of the great things about the kink community is that there are great ways to learn and explore new types of play and relationship style. Check out a few of these sites to help familiarize yourself with kink resources.

Kink Academy Sub Rosa PDX Wicked Grounds Annex Erotic Awakening Rain DeGray

Spices of Lust Sex Geek

Day 13. Journal Entry.

What is a kink you have not explored but want too? What holds you back? What excites you about it? Are there good resources to learn about this kink? What are they?

Day 14. Journal Entry.

For you personally, what does it mean to engage in power exchange? Is this something you can engage in for a temporary period of time (e.g., during a scene)? It is something that occurs within all relationships, some relationships, only a few relationships? Can you personally engage in kink without power exchange and have it be a satisfying experience?

Day 15. Journal Entry.

The saying goes, “The clothes make the man.” Reflect on your kink practices. Do you have special clothing for kink play and expression? Is there a specific type or piece of clothing which carries a strong kink meaning for you? Write about how clothes change the way you feel during kinky play.

Day 16. Reading.

Sub space and top space are commonly referenced by kinky people. These are altered states of consciousness some people expereince while engaging in various types of play. While these terms may be intuitively understood or you may have experienced them yourself, there is still a lack of deep understanding as to what these mean.

What Everyone Needs to Know About Sub Space” and “The Woo of Kink” explore the physical, chemical, and emotional aspects of sub space. Read these entries. If you desire, reflect on them in your journal.

Day 17. Rope

STOP! Before you decide you are not into rope so you don’t need to read this entry, read this paragraph. Even if you are not into rope, even if you do not think you will ever be tied up or tie someone up, knowing basic rope safety is a big deal for kink. Do this entry!

Rope safety is important for kinky folks for several reasons. First, even if you do not participate in rope scenes, you are likely to see many in play spaces. If you are ever going to be a dungeon monitor you need to know rope safety. It is also useful in case you see something questionable from other players you can alert dungeon monitors to check in with the scene. Second, the knowledge of major nerve areas and how these nerves impact the body is relevant outside of rope. Impact play, any type of bondage, some pet play, needle play and more all require this basic knowledge. Third, rope safety has a lot of basics which apply to any scene.

The Duchy has some great information on safety. The page is short, but packed full of useful tips! Read about Rope Safety here.

Day 18. Journal Entry.

Consent is the underlying value and practice of all kink play. As the old saying goes, the difference between a boxing match and assault is consent.

Regardless of you level of expertise on consent and different forms of consent, we all need to revisit the idea from time to time.

Make a list of things required for you to consider a scene consensual. This may be anything from requiring all parties to disclose STI status and show their latest testing results to agreement on safe words and more.

Once you have finished your list, answer the question, “How do I communicate what I need before a scene is fully consensual to a partner? How do I make sure I fully understand what a partner needs for fully consensual play?

Day 19. Shopping

You have been doing some great work! Let’s take a break from intense stuff for some real fun!

There are many places to get great BDSM gear and toys! Take some time to shop online to find a new toy or gear to fantasize about buying.

If you are stuck for places to look, here are some options:

Wicked Grounds Etsy Stockroom Mr. S Leather Kinkstore

You can always check out my reviews of sex toys for options as well.

Day 20. Journal Entry

Kink and BDSM often tap into deep, psychological needs.

Think about your favorite kink activity. This may be a type of play, sensual stimulation such as a cuddle puddle. service, or other. Once you have decided on the activity, think about the last time you engaged in this type of activity.

Answer the following questions in your journal.

Why is this activity so great?

What emotions do you experience during this activity?

How do you feel afterward?

What happens to you emotionally if you cannot engage in this activity for a long period of time?

What needs are being met by this activity?

Day 21. Journal Entry

Answer the following questions: Are there specific activities which are uniquely dominant or submissive? If so, what are the activities? What makes them unique to dominance or submissions?

If you do not think there are activities which are unique to a side of the slash, then how do you know you are being dominant or submissive? What is the difference between a dominant or submissve doing the same action?

Day 22. Journal Entry

Do you have any responsibly to ensure the kink community is safe and inclusive? If yes. what is that responsibility and how do you make sure do carry it out? If no, is anyone responsible? Is it necessary to have people make sure dangerous players don’t harm others? What is your vision of “community?”

Day 23. Masturbation

Masturbation is an important way to explore our desires. This is a specific type of masturbation which will help you focus on what your current desires might be.

Rules for this session:

  1. No audio or visual distractions. Turn off all screens. No watching porn to get started. No reading erotica. No sexy music. Just you, in some location where you can masturbate.
  2. Warm yourself up first. Many of us (especially those with clits) tend to jump right in with toys to get the job done. That is great most of the time. For this exercise, take a few minutes (or more) to get yourself warmed up manually. This may include things like rubbing your nipples, stroking your own thighs or other touching. This may be imaging a scene you want to be part of. Whatever it is, get yourself aroused prior to bring in the toys.
  3. Once aroused, feel free to bring in toys you like. Pay attention to what parts of yourself you are stimulating. Pay attention to the images in your head.

When you are finished, write down what you notices about yourself. Write about what (if any) fantasies were going on in your brain.

NOTE: If you have physical limitations which make it hard to masturbate or masturbate without specific toys or adaptive tools, please feel free to use these throughout. The point of this exercise is to get you to pay attention to what turns you on without unnecessary stimuli.

Day 24. Journal Entry

In your opinion, are there some things all submissives or all dominants must do? If so, what are they? Why are they important? If not, are there common types of behavior that you would like to see all submissives or all dominants engage in?

Day 25. Journal Entry

Communication is key for kinky people. However, we use a lot of words to describe certain body parts and activities. Some words like “moist” are widely hated. We need to communicate using words our partners are comfortable with.

Write down at last 7 synonyms for each world below. If you get stuck, you can use Urban Dictionary, a regular thesaurus or other references to help expand your vocabulary.

breast vagina penis balls vulva sex kissing oral sex anal sex hitting aroused orgasm

Day 26. Journal Entry

Write a short erotic story that turns you on.

Day 27. Journal Entry

Everyone, any side of the slash, any level of experience, will occasionally need different aftercare than they normally do.

Answer the question: How can you communicate with a partner AFTER a scene you need an adjustment in your aftercare agreement? What is okay to ask for in your opinion? What could you need that you would not be comfortable asking for? What is that block?

Day 28. Fetlife Exercise

Fetlife.com is Facebook for kinky folks (if you are unfamiliar). It has its good parts and bad parts. However, it is a key resource for connecting with kinky people and finding events.

If you have a Fetlife page, review it. Is your biography up-to-date? Are you still happy with the pictures you have posted? Are you part of groups you want to be? If something needs to be changed or updated, do it.

If you are not on Fetlife, set up a basic profile. If you hate Fet for some reason, if you are worried about some future employer seeing you while they browse for a hook-up, then make a profile with minimum information. There is no need to add a picture where you might be identified. There is no need to add identifying information at all! Heck, Antarctica has a huge population of 99 year old kinky people according to a Fet search.

Setting up a short, anonymous profile will allow you to see event information and connect with people if you ever have the desire too.

Day 29. Journal Entry

Answer the following questions:

Can you enjoy kink activities if they do not involve sex?

Can you enjoy sex without kink activities?

How would (has) engaging in kink play without the possibility of sex change your experience?

How does engaging in sex without kink play change that experience?

Day 30. Journal Entry

You have engaged in 30 days (or more) of exploring your kinky self. What (if anything) did you learn about yourself? Has anything changed for you? What is your future goal for your kinky self?

Congratulations! You have completed 30 days of kinky self-exploration!

#kink #bdsm #exploration #journaling #30DaysofKink #exploringkink #submisison #domina

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