Category Archives: sexuality

bdsm, consent, culture, dating, dominance, identity, intimacy, kink, LGBT, non-monogamy, Preceptions, psychology, relatinships, sexuality, Submission, tips

5 Common Beliefs Which Undermine Your Sex Life

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You receive messages about sex and sexuality your entire live. From the media you watch, listen to, and read, to how your parents discussed sex and sexuality, to what friends say, you learn all sorts of stuff about sexuality. While some of this information can be helpful, much of it is biased, heternormative, and culturally biased.

You take in messages about sex and sexuality and even when you don’t want them to, and then they shape your behavior and beliefs. This blog covers common beliefs about sex and sexuality and how to combat them!

Climaxing at the same time is not realistic.

Movies and romance novels often make it seem like a mutual climax is the goal of a sexual encounter. In reality, this type of climax rarely happens. People are aroused at different speeds. What brings one partner to climax often does not being the other partner to climax (regardless of genders). Trying to synchornize your climaxes will often result in distracted and frustrating sex (or worse, one partner will feel pressure to fake an orgasm).

Rather than trying to climax at the same time, practice enjoying the encounter and being present for your partner. Additionally, remember that a climax does not mean sex has to stop! If one person reaches climax, you can both still engage in sex. You have hands, a mouth, toys, and so does your partner. Use them until you both enjoy an orgasm.

You Don’t Have to Be Pretty to Deserve Great Sex

It is rare to see older people, disabled folks, fat people, or anyone who is not young, thing, and abled-bodied having hot sex in the movies or a romance novel. Many of us internalize this subtle messaging and believe that if we are not thin, young, and beautiful, we do not deserve great sex.

Everyone deserves hot and consensual sex! You do not have to settle for a partner who does not celebrate you and your body. You do not have to sleep with whoever says yes to sleeping with you. If you do not desire the other person, you can say no. If the person you are sleeping with makes you feel bad about yourself, you can stop sleeping with them. If you are avoiding sex because you are worried about the way you look, you are working your way out of the sex you deserve.

Your Desires Are Not WeirD

The type of sexuality and relationship styles represented in most media are very limited. Fetishes, non-monogamy, group sex and more is often represented as “weird,” or “perverted,” or “bad.” You internalize these messages and it makes you feel awkward about your own desires.

Most people are kinkier than we talk about with others. Fully 40 percent of adults report enjoying being spanked in bed. Even larger numbers enjoy being tied-up, blindfolded, and taked dirty too in bed. Even the more unusual fetished – piss play, sucking on toes, forced feminization – still are enjoyed by a large number of people. Whatever you wnat to do sexually is a shared desire with others!

Rather than chastize yourself and worry that you are ‘not normal,’ take that energy to learn about your desires. Take a class about your interest. Read blogs and books about it. Connect with others online or in person who enjoy the same thing you do!

Your Identity Terms Should Not Limit you

You have ways you describe you identities: LGBTQ, submissive, dominant, top, pet, baby girl, vanilla, polyamorous, and more! It is wonderful to find you that there are words which describe your desires. It can feel like you finally cound a language that frees you. This can be wonderful!

However, you may fall into a trap of restricting your sexuality to what you thing a word means. You might identify as a submissive and then decide you can not engage in certain sexual behaviores because they are not ‘submissive.’ You might identify as polyamorous and therefore you avoid pursuing a relationship you desire because the person is not part of the polyam community.

How you identify should help you connect with other people and help you feel good about yourself. There is no “right” way to be be a submissive, or a dominant, or polyamorous, or bisexual. If you find yourself avoiding activities because they don’t fit your idea of what the identity means, you need to be gentle with yourself. Remember, there is no “real” way to be submissive, dominant, a switch, bisexual, queer or anyting else.

Sex Is Not Just Penetration

Thanks to our heteronormative society and bad high school sex education, you probably believe sex involves penetration. Sex is actually much broader than just penetrating someone. If genitals are involved, its sex.

Working on unlearning the “sex is penetration” myth is freeing! It allows you to see your sexuality as a much broader activity. Accepting a broader definition of sex can open up what you do, how you choses to climax, and how you feel about a partner.

#sex #sexuality #kink #bdsm #penetration #climax #orgasm #lgbtq #identity #submissive #dominant #polyamourous #freedom #ImproveYourSexLife

dating, Feminism, illness, intimacy, masturbation, Sex Education, sex positive, sex toys, sexuality, tips

Options Other Than Faking Orgasms

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If you read much sex writing or feminist think pieces you are probably innunadate with work on the ‘orgasm gap’ and the admonition to stop faking your orgasms.

In theory, these folks are right. The problem with faking orgasms is manifold: you don’t get the pleasure of climax, your partner doesn’t learn what helps you reach climax, low levels of communication in general. The problem with just telling women to stop faking orgasms is that the advice ignores the many reasons women fake orgasms.

To stop faking orgasms, you first need to acknowledge why you do it.

  • Don’t want to disappoint a partner
  • Prioritizing a partner’s pleasure
  • Don’t feel safe telling a partner they are not bringing you to climax
  • Don’t know how to climax (even by yourself)
  • Medical issues delaying or limiting orgasm possibilities
  • Property Brother’s starts in 5 minutes

The reasons behind why you fake orgasm will shape how you approach not faking orgasms.

You Don’t Know What Makes You Climax

We do not teach people about masturbation in the United States (or most places). In many cultures and subcultures, women are shamed for masturbating and exploring their own sexuality. Many women reach their 20s without being familiar enough with their own bodies to stimulate themselves to the point of orgasm.

If you fall into this category, do not fear! Masturbation help is here! If you are not comfortable touching yourself yet, or still feel some shame around masturbation, spend some time getting comfortable with your whole body. This can include:

  • spending more time naked
  • Paying attention to how your hands feel on your body when you shower/bathe
  • Focused periods of self-pleasure

Once you are comfortable enough with masturbating, try touching yourself in different ways. Stroke, rub, or flick your clitoris. Use your fingers to penetrate yourself. Invest in a sex toy or two (unsure what toy is right for you? Here is my guide to Buying Sex Toys). Over time, you will figure out what gets you turned on and to orgasm.

You Are Afraid of Your Partner’s Reaction

If you are afraid your partner will physically or emotionally harm you if they find out you are faking orgasms, play it safe. Do not tell them.

The National Hotline for Domestic Violence is 1-800-799-(SAFE). Their website and chat line can be reached here.

If you are afraid your partner will be disappointed, sad, hurt, or otherwise upset about finding out you are faking orgasms, here are some tips on how to talk to them.

  1. Find a time and place for the conversation. This should NOT be immediately before or after sex. Preferrably, this should take place outside the bedroom.
  2. Assure them that the lack of orgasms does not mean you do not want to have sex anymore or that sex in the past was bad. You can enjoy sex and still not climax.
  3. Talk to them about what you need to help you have more fulfilling sex.
  4. Ask them about their feelings and how they experience sex.
  5. Assure them that you will have fun trying out new things!

Medical Issues

There are lots of medications and medical conditions which can make it difficult to climax. Additionally, women’s orgasms and erotic responses are studied much less than men’s. Us nonbinary folks have no research to fall back on.

Check to see if your medications can impact your sex life. Reading the inserts to your prescriptions and checking out the side effects list on rxlist.com is a great place to start.

If you believe (or know) a medication is impacting your sex life, talk to your doctor. Insist on addressing the sexual side effects. Few doctors I have ever worked with consider sexual side effects for women when prescribing medication. However, you deserve a happy sex life. If the medication can be changed, dosing can be changes, or other alterations to medication can be made, it might be worth a shot!

You may also want to disclose the medical issues to your partner. Not everyone has a relationship where they can tell someone the details of the medical conditions and feel safe about it. Not all realtionship are so close your partner is involved in your health.

Your disclosure does not have to be extensive. Simply letting a casual partner know you are on a medication which can delay or prevent orgasm may be enough. Being honest that your not climaxing because of a medication can make you both feel better. It also opens the door to talk about what you do enjoy in bed.

Your Show is About to Start

This one, I can’t offer too much insight. Either record it, watch it later on Hulu, or schedule the sex with enough time to get ready for the show.

Sometimes, telling your partner to kick it into high gear because your true crime story is about to start will kick it up enough so that you can climax and then bask in the details of a horrific murder in your afterglow.

#orgams #climax #orgasmgap #sex #sextips #sexwithmen #masturbation #sextoys

bdsm, community, consent, culture, dating, identity, kink, list, newbie, questions, sexuality, tips

7 Tips When You Are New to Kink

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Whether you personally are new to kink, or you are dating someone new to kink, it is an exciting time filled with fun and learning! It can also be intimidating, scary, and overwhelming. Knowing what to do, where to go, and where good resources are can be hard to figure out and find.

Here are seven tips for the new kinkster to help you find kink that works for you!

I. There is No “Right Way” to do Kink

Kink is personal. This means your kink can look the way you want it too and does not have to be like anybody else’s. Kink is a journey (it can be a lifelong one) and evolves over time. Avoid any self-induced pressure to “do kink right” because you read about it in a book or saw something in a movie. Do what feels right to you.

Avoid people who believe there is only “one right way to do kink.” These folks are known as “One twu way-ers.” People like this insist that ALL submissives do kink the same and ALL dominants do it the same. They tend to be abusive and dangerous. Experienced kinky players know that while an individual has a preferred way of doing kink, they don’t hold the key to the “one true way.”

II. Get Information From Different Sources

Don’t rely on just one blog, one author, one teacher, or one person to guide your kinky journey. The more you read, listen, and talk to people who do kinky stuff, the more likely you are to find resources and folks who resonate with the way you want to do kink! For a vetted list of resources, check out my BDSM Resource List.

III. Go To A Munch

A munch is a kinky get-together. Generally they are held in vanilla spots like a coffee house, back room at a Denny’s or IHOP, or local restaurant. People wear street clothes and there is no kinky play. This is a low-risk, open event and a great way to ease into your local kink community. People socialize and get to know each other and you can come and go as you please.

Munches can be found on the Fetlife event page (search “Munches” and “Near Me”). Many are also listed on the BDSMEventsPage and EroBay (for Northern CA).

If you are planning on going to a munch for the first time, it is useful to contact the event coordinator to let them know you are new and will be attending. Use the contact form or message the person listed as the event coordinator on Fetlife. Introduce yourself and let them know you will be attending their event for the first time. A good coordinator will keep an eye out for new people and introduce themselves and one or two other people to get the ball rolling.

IV. Try a Tasting Event

Many kinky play spaces offer “tasting” events. These are events where different experts in various forms of kinky play will be demonstrating their skills. You can go from station to station at the event and watch, talk to the presenter, and try various kinky play options. It is a great way to get good information and hands-on experience to types of play you are interested in or unfamiliar with.

Fetlife and BDSMEventsPage often list tasting events. Check out the pages to find out if anything is going on near you.

Before you go, read the event announcement for any fees, participation requirements, and dress codes. People hosting tasting events realize many newer players will be there and try to make sure all the rules are clear so that people will be comfortable when they come to the event.

V. Take a Class

There are now hundreds of classes a week offered around the world for kink! Between online events and in-person events, people everywhere have access to some sort of BDSM class. I strongly recommend taking a consent/negotiation 101 type of class if you are new to kink. This will familiarize you with consent requirements, basic safety, and how to ask for what you want in a safe way.

Wicked Grounds offers BDSM 101 on a nearly weekly basis now! The class is online and can be accessed by anyone. Check out their class list for upcoming times.

VI. Splurge on a Cool Toy

Whenever I play with an experienced kinky person, I feel like the Joker in Batman asking, “Where’d he get all those cool toys!” Kink comes with accessories and I love that about it!

When you start getting into kink, you will be drawn to some specific aspects of it. It may be impact play with all the whips, paddles, floggers and spanky things. It could be the corsets or leather pants or latex skirts. It might be all the cool dildoes and butt plugs. Whatever it is, splurge on something you fancy!

While you can get inexpensive toys on Amazon, a lot of these are poorly made or rip-offs of high-end producers. Spending the extra money to get yourself something well-made is worth it. The item will last longer, perform better, and support artisans and not corporations. For a list of vetted vendors, check out my BDSM Resource List.

VII. Make a Fetlife Profile

Full disclosure: I have issues with a lot of Fetlife shenanigans. That said, Fetlife is the Facebook of the kinky world. It can be hard to get all the community goings-on, find out about conferences and play nights, and connect with other kinky folks without a Fetlife account.

Fetlife is not an indexed site. This means, if you are applying for a job or doing a background check, your Fet profile will not show up on the check. If you are worried about confidentiality, here are the basic steps to making a private account which is hard to track back to you:

  • Make a GMail account not associated with your name or other email accounts.
  • Sign up for a Fetlife account linked to the anonymous GMail account.
  • Use a Fetlife screen name that is not obviously connected to you.
  • List your age as 99 and your location as “Antarctica” if you are really worried.
  • Don’t post any highly identifiable pictures on your account.

Spend some time checking out the writings, event, and pictures on Fetlife. Keep in mind, this site is like Facebook. You will see some cool stuff, a lot of mediocre stuff, and some trash! Use the “Block” function liberally to block people who harass you, hit on you too much, or are otherwise horrid folks. While you may eventually move away from using your Fetlife account for much, it is a good way to access community information.

For tips on screening out abusive folks on Fetlife, check out my tips here.

Welcome to the kinky side!

#fetlife #kink #BDSM #newbie #tips #fetish #kinky #sextoys #whips #dungeon #munch #community #classes #conferences #WickedGrounds #safety #consent #newtokink #newkink #tasting events #resources

anxiety, bdsm, consent, kink, Marijuana, pain, psychology, sexuality, tips

Combining Weed and Kink? Read This!

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Photo by Kindel Media on Pexels.com

Weed is now legal in 18 U.S. states and the District of Columbia; two countries (Canada and Uruguay) and several other jurisdictions (Amsterdam, etc). It is also widely available in states and countries where is is not so legal. With the increasing ease of getting marijuana, more people are using it with sex.

Many Americans (and others as well) see marijuana use as socially acceptable and consider it a less-risky drug that alcohol, tobacco, or pain killers. Most users are also parents and/or Millennials. Cool.

What do you need to know about combining kink and weed to make sure things are safe? Your Auntie is here to help!

Is It Safe?

This is a complex question. I fall into the group of kinky folks who understand no activity has a “zero risk” associated with it. Even kissing presents the risk of transmitting HSV-1 (herpes simplex), the common cold, and COVID. In that sense, smoking or ingesting marijuana is not a zero-risk activity.

Marijuana has a wide set of effects on people. You may expereince one or many of these effects. You may expereince different effects with different strains or modes of ingestion. Therefore, a blanket statement of safety is not possible.

Marijuana can alter levels of pain, anxiety, inhibition, sense of time, concentration, hunger, and sleepiness. Some of these changes may be very positive for kink play. Others can be detrimental. Generally, you should not negotiate while high on marijuana. Treat it like any other drug and negotiate while sober.

Playing high, however, will depend on your personal response to marijuana and your desires.

Physical Effects

Pain Killer

Marijuana is a documented pain killer. In the past ten years, removing the THC (the active part of marijuana that causes the high feeling and psychological changes) and using just the CBD for pain killing purposes has become popular. For many people, CBD edibles, tinctures, and teas are effective for pain relief. Microdosing (taking small amounts throughout the day) is an increasingly popular use for the CBD isolates of marijuana. CBD does not alter psychological perceptions of time and does not give you a “high” feeling. Therefore, its generally safe to play while using CBD.

As research evolves, various studies are finding that CBD + THC are required for the best pain killing effects. There are plenty of folks who use marijuana in a variety of forms for pain killing rather than getting high. When it comes to kink play, removing the “bad” and unwanted pain allows people to get more out of the kink session. If your back and hips don’t hurt, it is easier to enjoy play.

Increased Climax for Women

In several studies (like this one), researchers found that cis women who used marijuana prior to sexual intercourse, there was a significant increase in vaginal lubrication, reduced pain during intercourse, increased sexual desire, and a greater chance of reaching climax. These are strong arguments for women using marijuana before sex, unless you desire orgasm denial and control.

Other Physical Effects

Smoking and ingesting marijuana has other physical impacts which might make a difference for you in kinky play.

  • Gastrointestinal: decrease inflammation, reduce Chron’s symptoms (positive)
  • Increased hunger (neutral)
  • Dry mouth: makes oral sex and kissing more challenging (negative)
  • Clumsiness (negative)
  • Increased vaginal moisture/reduced vaginal pain (positive)

Psychological Effects

Marijuana has a couple of different psychological effects which impact kink play.

Anxiety

For some users, marijuana can increase anxiety and paranoia. Even if you have used marijuana in the past, this does not mean you will not experience anxiety in the future. Sativa strains tend to be more associated with anxiety elevation. However, all types of marijuana may cause anxiety.

Relaxation/Anxiety Reduction

For some users, marijuana can make them feel more relaxed or less anxious. Indica strains tend to more frequently be associated with more relaxation, although all strains can help some people relaxa.

Time Distortion

For some uses, it becomes more difficult to tell how much time has passed. This may or may not have any impact on your kink, depending on the type of play you engage in for fun.

Figuring Out What Weed Works for You

If you want to combine marijuana and sex, you should try specific marijuana strains prior to using it with kink. It is important to know how specific strains of marijuana effect you.

There are three main types of marijuana: indica, sativa, and hybrid. Indica strains tend to be associated with a “head high,” calming feelings, pain reduction, sleepiness, and a general slowing in thoughts. Sativa strains tend to be associated with a “body high,” elevated mood, occasional anxiety, and pain reduction. Hybrids are associated with combination of both sativa and indica strains.

In places where marijuana is legal, dispensaries categorize the strains and a good employee can help direct you to a specific strain to help you achieve what you want. In places where marijuana is not legal, your dealer will most likely know if it is a sativa, indica, or hybrid but may or may not be able to get more specific than that.

Try a few different types of marijuana prior to playing. Masturbate while high to see how your body responds. Note if you get anxiety, fall asleep quickly, have an elevated mood, and other impacts.

Once you understand your response to marijuana, let your partner know that you want to use it during a kink scene. Depending on what you plan to do and your partner’s comfort with marijuana use, you will need to negotiate your play. If you are both regular users and are established players, the negotiations may be minimal. If you are with a new(er) partner or using marijuana during sex is new, make sure to cover consent, limits, and aftercare plans.

Head Space

Marijuana’s psychological effects can alter head space. For people who relax while using weed, you may experience a deeper submissive or dominant head space. This can be very enjoyable! Marijuana can shut down worries and your internal monologue and allow you to be more present during a scene.

The increased access to improved head space also increases the chance of reaching sub or top space. Make sure to talk about aftercare to help you reground after a marijuana-enhanced scene.

For users who experience anxiety, this can make is more difficult to get into a head space to play. It may be distracting you may worry too much to enjoy a scene.

Routes of Ingestion

Marijuana can be smoked, eaten, and “dabbed.” Different routes of ingestion change your bodies reaction. If you smoke, the impacts occur within a few minutes. If you use edibles, the effects can begin 30 to 60 minutes after you eat it. This can make your level of intoxication harder to gauge. Waxes and crystals for dabbing are highly concentrated versions of marijuana. These forms of ingestion can increase the impact of smoking.

When you are figuring out what type of marijuana works for you, make sure to keep the method of ingestion the same.

Safety

If you plan to use marijuana for a scene, you need to make sure you stay safe in and out of the scene.

If you are going to have to drive afterward, knowing how long the effects last for you is critical. Never drive high. Smoking flower (the dried buds) generally has the fastest dissipating effects. Edibles and dabbing can last much longer. If you are high after the scene but need to leave, call a cab or ride share or friend.

Marijuana use, especially edibles, can cause a bit of dehydration. Make sure you have water and non-caffeinated drinks when using marijuana with kink.

Marijuana is a pain killer. This means if you are injured during play (e.g., muscle strains, cuts and bruising) you may not feel it as much. Have a partner help you with a body check for any large bruises, abrasions, or other skin concerns to deal with on the spot. Pay attention to your body for the next 24 hours to see if you develop pain or strain associated with play. Ice, heat, and anti-inflammatory medication can be administered as needed.

Recommendations

I enjoy smoking just a little bit of weed before a scene. Usually a single “hit” off a bong or pipe is effective for me. For people new to using marijuana during kink, I strongly recommend taking a small bit by smoking flower.

I am a fan of hybrid strains for sex. The relaxation effect plus a body high that does not make me too tired makes sex much more enjoyable. I will attest that for me, I do experience increased lubrication and probability of climax while high.

While these work for me, experiment with types of marijuana and forms of ingestion which work for you!

Looking for a pipe? Check out Waxmaid Store for some cool options.

#marijuana #weed #420 #sex #sexonweed #sexwhilehigh #kink #bdsm #safety #consent #Safetywhilehig #edibles

bdsm, connection, consent, intimacy, kink, non-monogamy, Open relationships, rape, sexuality, STI, Swinging, tips

7 Tips for Hosting an Orgy

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As more of us get vaccinated and back out there, so many of y’all are posting about having a slutty summer. Yay! I strongly encourage this.

If you want to truly go hard of the “Hot Girl Summer” or whatever you call it, host an orgy/sex night. I have your tips right here.

First, who would do this? Lots of people! While orgies are usually punchlines for comics or relegated to “key party” representation in films, they can be much more than that. With many of us in consensually nonmonogamous/open relationships or just plain single and mingling, hosting an orgy night can be fun, sexy, and even a bonding opportunity for you and your partner(s).

“Done Right” is the Key

Do not throw a regular party and hope people will start having sex. Do not throw an orgy and fail to tell invited guests that is what you are doing. To make a group sex night work, everyone needs to be aware and on-board with the plan. Finally, getting a group of your sluttiest buds together is not enough to make a group sex night happen. Here are seven things to do to help you throw a great group sex party!

I. Get Your Partner(s) on Board

If you and your partner(s) are in an open/nonmonogamous relationship, this does not guarantee they are ready and happy to have a group sex party. You need to make sure everyone understands what is going to happen, discuss rules and boundaries, and enthusiastically consent to the night.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have I explicitly discussed hosting a group sex party with all my partners?
  • Have I discussed what is okay to do with them at the party?
  • Have we discussed what is okay to do with other people at the party?
  • Do we agree to the rules around safer sex, sex acts, and who we end up spending the night with?
  • Am I okay watching my partner(s) have sex or kink play with other people?
  • Am I and all my partners enthusiastic about the party?

This is the type of activity all people you are in a relationship should be enthusiastically consenting too. While some activities (e.g., humiliation play, forced feminization) can be approached willingly and with some reticence and still work out well, group sex is something you need to be enthusiastic about. If a partner seems to have doubts or concerns, this is a clear sign you need to put your plans on hold.

II. Be Honest with All Guests

Do not try and lure/dupe someone into coming to a group sex party. Everyone should be keenly aware of what the intentions of the night are. You also need to be honest about safety issues. Be sure to be honest about:

  • STI tests and what proof of status is required.
  • COVID testing and immunization status and proof required.
  • Consent of party-goers.

Depending on the people you invite and your tolerance for risk, you will need to decide if people must to show proof of recent STI testing, COVID testing, and COVID immunizations. Some groups will be okay if people just say they have these tests/vaccines, some groups will want proof. Make sure everyone coming has the same understanding of what is required to participate.

Additionally, you need to make sure your guests are explicitly consenting to the night. I strongly suggest a verbal confirmation that they want to participate when they accept the invite.

III. Consent is Key

Any time you host a group sex event, you run the risk of someone being assaulted. Make sure your guests understand the rules of consent used by all party-goers. If you are using the stoplight system (green= okay, yellow= slow down, tentative, red= stop) or an alternative system, make sure guests understand what words/actions require they stop hitting on/making out with/having sex with other people. If the party is small enough you can keep an eye out for what is happening, reiterating these rules as people arrive might be enough. If people are using various rooms, there are not monitors, or other ways people can be in private with another person, posting signs with consent rules should be done.

IV. Have a Plan is Consent is Violated

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If someone has their consent violated, whether this be via sexual assault or not respecting a boundary around kink play, have a plan for dealing with it BEFORE it happens.

The plan should include gradations for violations. For example, you should have a plan for how to handle a guest who won’t stop hitting on someone who is not interested. You should have a plan for someone who gets intoxicated and too handsy. You should have a plan for making sure party-goers are okay throughout the night and when to intervene if something looks or feels amiss.

If the worst happens, call an ambulance for health issues or police for legal issues. If someone is in medical distress or has been sexually assaulted, the party should immediately stop. The guest who was assaulted needs to be immediately attended too. This means providing the necessary medical care or calling an ambulance. If they need the police to report a crime, you as the host need to offer to go with them and take care of them as they want you too.

Most of the time these plans will not need to be used. In a decade of hosting parties, I have yet to need to put a consent violation plan into action. However, I have always had one just in case.

V. Have a Safer Sex Supplies

Even if most of your guests won’t be using safer sex supplies, have a bunch around and easy to access. Your supplies should contain:

  • Latex condoms
  • Non-latex condoms (for people with allergies)
  • Latex and non-latex dental dams
  • Nitrile gloves
  • Water-based lube
  • Silicone Lube
  • Plan-B

All of the above items are available at most drug stores, Target and Wal-Mart. Make sure latex items are separate from non-latex and both are labeled. Allergies are real and serious!

VI. Have a Kinky First Aid Kit

If you are having any kinky play, a kinky first aid kit is a great idea. Its a great idea in general! You never know when a guest will need a band-aid, tweezers, or Neosporin. These are great for kink accidents AND kitchen mishaps.

If you don’t have a kinky first aid kit, I offer a list of items which should be included here.

VII. Make Your Home Conducive to Group Sex

It is hard to feel sexy if the environment is not right! Making out in bad lighting or with a lot of distracting noise is difficult or impossible for people. To make your space (house, apartment, hotel room) conducive for group sex, make sure these issues are addressed.

Lighting

Lighting should be good enough to allow people to navigate the space safely. It should be dim enough to encourage coupling. Bright, overhead lighting is not sexy. Try accent lamps to light your space. If these are still too bright, try a lower wattage bulb (40 watts or the equivalent tends to be a good choice). If you can’t change the bulb, non-flammable scarves and material can be draped over the shades to add a filter to the lighting.

Candles can also be great lighting. Make sure they are in stable, hard-to-tip holders and are out of the way. Make sure they are away from drapes, bedspreads, and other material which may catch on fire.

Sounds

A television is very distracting in many cases. Even if you have a great porn video on, a television may be distracting to folks. If you want to play a porn video, make sure there are also spaces where the video won’t bother people. If you are in a single hotel room, muting the sound while the video plays is also an option.

Music at an appropriate volume is a great idea. Make sure your guests can hear each other without having to yell over the music. If you have guests who are hard of hearing, make sure the music is at a level to accommodate their needs.

If you opt for a music streaming service PAY FOR THE COMMERCIAL FREE OPTION! One of the biggest boner killers is having a commercial for a drug come on during your make-out session!

Food and Drink

You will want to have some refreshments for guests. Water is a must. Plain, non-flavored water. People get dehydrated with sex and kink play. Make sure you have water for them!

If you opt to provide alcohol, you are adding an element which can increase the chance of consent violation or dangerous play. Invite people who don’t get so drunk they can’t perform or don’t want to reason with you. If a guest seems to be too inebriated to play safely, offer a place for them to sober up or call a car to take them home. Safety and consent take precedence over someone’s drunken good time.

Have a variety of food options. People get hungry after sex. This is why the “make me a sandwich” jokes hit. Because so many people have food sensitivities, you should have a couple of options. Make sure there is one gluten-free, vegan option. This means most of your guests will be able to eat at least one dish. Bitchin’ Sauce dips with gluten free crackers are a great option here!

Make both your food and water easy to access. If you are planning on playing, you really don’t want to be interrupted to answer the question, “Where would I find water?”

Bottom Line

Group sex parties can be a ton of fun! People chat, connect, and then have a great kinky sex night. If all goes well, people will talk about it fondly for years. Making sure you have the things in place to make the night safe, sane, and consensual for everyone is key!

Stay kinky!

#orgy #groupsex #kink #bdsm #STI #COVID #safersex #condoms #gloves #saftersexitems #firstaidkit #boundaries #sexualassault #rape #communication #tipsandtools

bdsm, kink, questions, sex toys, sexuality, STI, tips, toys

Sex Toy Buying Guide

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Sex toys are prolific! They range from the cheap to the ridiculously expensive. From reputable brands to knock-offs to independent producers. They are made of so many materials it is hard to catalogue. They are different sizes, shapes, powers, remote controlled, bluetooth options and more! So, how do you know what toys are body safe, going to work, worth their price, and more?

Make Sure They Are Body Safe

Sex toys are made of all sorts of materials. Some are safe to insert into various orifices’, some are not. Some are safe to share with partners, some should be dedicated to one person. Here is a quick guide to materials.

Phthalates

Phthalates are chemicals known to cause cancer. Because sex toys are used on areas which are both delicate and prone to tears, toys with phthalates are dangerous. While they are used less these days in sex toys, make sure your toy is listed as phthalate free. If you have questions, contact their manufacturer.

Jelly Toys

Jelly toys are abundant, especially with low-cost and novelty manufacturers. Jelly toys are porous and can harbor bacteria and dirt. They can never be fully cleaned. Avoid them.

Silicone

Many toys today are made from silicone and many more are said to be made from silicone. Body-safe medical grade silicone is safe for internal use and can be sterilized. Lots of less reputable vendors will say some are made out of silicone when they are mixed with other products as well.

Silicone is a nonreactive, nonporous material which can be fully sterilized. This means toys made of silicone are GREAT for sharing because you can sterilize them. It also means a properly sterilized toy will not transmit STIs and reduces the chances of yeast infections or irritation.

Silicone ranges from silky soft to relatively firm. Depending on if your toy is just covered in silicone or the entire thing is made of silicone, the level of firmness may differ. Toy companies often state the toy is silicone when only the outer cover is silicone. Look at the toy’s description. If it has internal working parts, the internal parts are not silicone BUT the outside may be.

If a toy says it is silicone AND is from a reputable dealer (Blush novelties, WeVibe, nJoy, etc.) their sites tend to be accurate. Knock-off sites and Amazon retailers will often call a toy “silicone” when the silicone has been mixed with other chemicals. If you toy feels like it has a slick residue or “moist” when you take it out of the package, chances are it is not pure silicone.

The flame test. When a toy like a dildo or butt plug claims to be pure silicone it should hold up to being heated. If you use a kitchen blow torch (the kind used for crème brulees) and heat your toy for 10 to 15 seconds, it should not run or melt. This is not 100% effective in detecting additives, but it is a pretty good check.

Do Not Use Silicone Lube with Silicone Toys.

Hard Plastic

Many toys contain various types of hard plastic. Hard plastics are nonporous and can be cleaned and sterilized. It is cheaper than silicone, although not as durable. It is a good option for starter toys.

Glass

Glass toys are amazing! They are both beautiful and a great choice for nonporous toys. They can be fully sterilized. They hold both heat and cold well for temperature play. They are also really pretty.

Glass is very firm. This means they won’t bend or give when inserted. These toys are great when a firm hand is desired.

Glass toys are solid. They won’t shatter when dropped. However, they may chip if they hit a hard surface (making them unusable for the most part).

Metal

Metal toys are also a great choice. They are nonporous and can be fully sterilized. They are firm and hold heat and cold like glass toys do. The nature of metal means that most metal toys will be cool to the touch at room temperature. You may wish to warm them up a bit before playing.

Metal toys tend to be heavy since most are made of solid metal. This can be very enjoyable for some people! However, when trying your first metal butt plug, I suggest you go smaller than your silicone choices simply because holding a pound of metal in your bum is a much more intense sensation than the few ounces a silicone toy of similar size. Metal toys often list their weight, which is a good guide!

Crystals

Various crystals (rose quartz, jade, obsidian, etc.) are made into sex toys. While they may be pretty to look at, these toys are porous. This means they can never be fully cleaned. When dirt, yeast or bacteria get into these tiny pours, they multiply making the toy unhealthy. Because of the nature of the pours, soap and water cannot get in there to kill the bacteria. These are not a great option for sex toys.

Sizing

Sex toys come in a range of sizes, from tiny to huge. Finding the right toy means finding out what works with your body.

For dildoes and butt plugs, experimentation works! Start on the smaller size for the toys. If they feel too small, go up a bit. Because silicone toys can be expensive, starting with a hard plastic toy to check for sizing and moving up is a good option.

If you are sticking something in your butt, remember that the base should be significantly bigger than the widest insertable part. Your bum can get greedy when turned on and try and suck up the toy!

Anal training kits are a great first choice for butt plugs. They generally come with three or four plugs beginning at the size of a finger and getting bigger. These kits allow you to start small and work up over time.

Ergonomics

If you have limited use of your hands or wrists or have arthritis, you may want to chose toys which are designed to work with your limitations. Some toys are specifically designed to work with the natural movement of hands and wrists, often coming with curved handles or rotating joints.

Going to your local high-end sex toy store will give you a chance to handle the samples of the toys. Finding handle sizes which are comfortable, whether larger or smaller than standards, it will help for longer term use.

Remote control toys are also a great option for people with limited hand and wrist motions. If you can insert or position the toy and then run it with a remote control, you may find extended use more comfortable.

Reviews

There are thousands of toy reviewers online (including me)! We all have our own take on sex toys. Read several reviewers and find ones who like the same type of toys you do. Many of us talk about sensations, sizing and use. Once you find a trusted source or two, see what they are saying about the toys you are interested in trying.

I recommend the following reviewers:

and of course ME!

Where to Buy

Buy directly from the manufacture’s site. Folks like Lelo, WeVibe, nJoy, and LoveHoney have easy-to-use online sites. When ordering from the manufacturer you know you are getting their toy and not a knock off.

Frequenting independent and small producers is also a great way to get unique and fun toys! I especially like FunkitToys and Bad Dragon.

If you are looking for cheaper ways to try out toys, check out Squeaky Clean Toys. This is a site where people sell used sex toys which have been fully sterilized. Many of the higher end toys like Lelo, WeVibe, and LoveHoney are available for discount prices. If you are unsure about how much you want a toy, give them a try here.

#sextoys #buyingsextoys #sextoyguide #reviews #siliconetoys #bodysafe #howtobuysextoys #vibrators #dildoes #buttplugs #analtoys #clittoys

bdsm, connection, dating, humiliation, kink, Perbvertables, relatinships, sexuality, tips

10 New Role Play Ideas!

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If you are into role playing, most likely you are familiar with the classics: student/teacher, parent/child, landowner/servant, maid/Mistress. These are classics for a reason. They all involve power differentials, they have fun costumes, and you can do a lot of different versions of each one.

Here are ten new role play ideas. Take them as jumping off points and have fun!

1. Harry Potter Finds His Magic Wand

If you have read the Harry Potter books or scene the movies, you are familiar with the scene where he goes to the wand shop and tries out several wands before finding just the right one. For this role play, choose either a type of toy (canes, floggers, etc.) or a class of toy (impact, dildoes, etc.). One person is the student and the other is the expert helping them find just the right toy to make them magic!

2. Zombie Apocalypse!

Most of us are familiar with some version of the zombie apocalypse be it the Walking Dead, Zombieland, or Night of the Living Dead. For this fantasy, one person is the zombie with the commiserate rules for your zombie (some are fast, some are slow, some are afraid of fire, etc). The non-zombie has to avoid being captured and made to do the zombie’s will (this can be whatever play or sex you have in mind).

3. Idol/fan

We are increasingly obsessed with celebrity culture in the West. For this role play, one person is the idol (rock star, movie star, drag queen, etc) and the other is the idol.

4. LARP Characters Gone Wild!

Anyone into role playing games will probably find an appeal in role playing sex. Don your D&D, Magic, Second life or other character and have your partner don theirs (or create one if they are not into role playing games) and go at it as your characters! Making a chart of various play activities and incorporating die is optional (but fun!)

Here is a butt plug with the 20-sided die in the base.

5. Public Scandal

We have all seen a variety of public scandals play out over the years. For this role play, one of you is the person involved in the scandal, the other is their public relations manager. Outline the details of the scandal to start. The PR agent then must direct the person in the scandal on how they will rehabilitate their reputation.

6. Master Chef/TV Competitor

Cooking competitions have become mass hits in the past decade. From Hell’s Kitchen, to The Great British Baking Show, to Chopped people love to watch chefs yell at people and make them work for approval. Choose your favorite chef (or create your own personality) and one of you is the master chef, the other a competitor on a show looking to win approval. Since professional kitchens already run on a hierarchy and the appropriate answers are generally, “Yes, Chef,” and “No, Chef,” this type of role play is well suited to power exchange relationships and kitchen pervertibles!

7. Washed Up Star Drops a Sex Tape

We’ve all seen this too many times. A fading star is trying to generate some hype so they make a sex tape that gets, “leaked” and all of the sudden they are trending in the papers and on social media again! You can choose to play the star and their consort(s) making the sex tape or the director and the star setting up the sex tape. Incorporating your own filming for personal fun can be really hot too!

8. Religious Patriarch Hoisted on Own Petard

Anymore, when we see the head of a major religious organization in the United States, many of us are waiting for their inevitable fall. If they preach gays are the cause of hurricanes, we are all pretty sure there is some pool boy on his payroll for something more than pool cleaning. If they preach monogamy and abstinence before marriage, we are all pretty sure there is a slew of consorts lurking in the shadows with them. You can either play the preacher getting caught at an orgy or being cuckolded by his wife or you can play the fallen icon repenting and making it up to the wronged spouse. The latter version lends itself to humiliation and degradation play especially well.

9. Helicopter Parent Gone Bad

A helicopter parent is a parent who is overly involved in their child’s life. They are recognized by being at every school event, being overly involved in a child’s choices, and annoying teachers and coaches to no end. For this role play, one person is the helicopter parent and the other is a teacher/coach/director/tutor that the parent tries to convince to give their child special treatment.

10. Comic Book Heroes Unite!

Chose your favorite comic book heroes. Have them battle each other for supremacy! They can romance one another to join their team! They can teach each other new skills! The possibilities are endless. Wonder Woman and her lasso show Spiderman new ways to use rope and Spidey shows her good self suspension! Batman and Superman finally reconcile their homoerotic affair with some hot sex on capes! Shouting “Bam!” and “Pow!” is encouraged.

#roleplay #kink #bdsm #sextips #sexideas #roleplayideas #spicingitup #relationships

bdsm, connection, consent, dating, fantasies, intimacy, kink, marriage, relatinships, sexuality, tips

Need a Little Sexy Inspiration? Try This!

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One think a lot of people new to kink and BDSM find surprising is that even with the most experienced kinky folks, we can get a bit bored with our sexy routines. Just like people who are more vanilla, sometimes kinky folks need to shake up the routine to make sex something exciting and fun!

If your “regular” sex involves whips, chains, candle wax and piss play, where do you go from there? Good news everyone! You don’t have to “take your kink to the next level” and start throwing knives and lighting people on fire (although, I am a big fan of fire and knives). You simply need to find something which inspires YOU.

Fun sex, inspiring sex, good sex, all have one thing in common. It is something that is unique and important to YOU. This is why so many sex game kits and “how-to” books leave people feeling uninspired. These items are general and often meant to be broad in order to serve the greatest number of uses. The trick is to make them personal.

Where Do I Start?

Ah… the tyranny of the blank page, as writers refer to it. If you are looking for inspiration for you and your partner(s), start with what you (and they) enjoy. This does not have to be anything sexual for it to work.

Do you have favorite movies? Books? Podcasts? Artworks? Activities? Sayings? Board games? Really anything will work here. Find something you really enjoy. Jot that down.

In fact, get yourself a notebook. This can be an actual physical notebook or a note app on your phone or computer. Whenever you come across something which sparks an idea, write it down. The ideas will dissipate as you go through your day. Make a quick note and come back to it when you have time.

Built-In Idea Generators

There are two major idea generators which work for many people when it comes to sexy time play: Fetlife “loves” and Pintrest boards. If you have a Fetlife account, you can “love” writings, pictures, and videos. Go back through your “loves” and see if stuff pops out for you. Pintrest can be used the same way. Make a pintrest board for images you enjoy and find exciting. These will reveal what you have been thinking about.

Fantasies

You can go right to the source of your erotic imagination- your fantasies. Whether you write, have sexy images or scenarios go through your mind when you masturbate, or you daydream, your fantasies are clearly things you find stimulating. Take some time to notice what elements are included in these fantasies.

Please remember that fantasy does not always play out the same way in reality. Something can be really hot in writing or on film or in your brain and totally not sexy when it actually happens. However, your fantasies are always a great place to start!

Now What?

Once you have your inspiration, sort out what are the major aspects which make it sexy or thrilling.

Are there specific acts which you want to engage in?

Is there specific stimuli (visual, audio, taste, smell, etc.) which makes this fantasy so great?

Is there a dynamic in your inspiration which you want to achieve?

Take some time and really think through these questions. The answers will give you direction on what to introduce to your sex life to make it a bit more exciting or thrilling.

Does it have to be extreme?

Absolutely not! There is a possibility you love engaging in heavy pain play. Whipping and caning may be a staple of your sex life. If you find yourself fantasizing about more gentle touching or a different type of bonding, this is probably what you are craving.

Ask yourself, am I looking for more sensation play? Do I need my partner(s) or me to talk more in a scene? Am I craving a quiet scene? Do I just want something different?

If you are looking to explore a type of play you have not engaged in before, you and your partner(s) may need to take classes, watch some instructional videos, and practice techniques prior to actually doing a scene.

If you are introducing new elements (toys, dynamics, foods, etc.) remember to negotiate around consent! You don’t want to introduce a new element you forgot to discuss, hit a trigger, and wreck the scene! Also, if you are introducing foods, plants, or scents, you may need to check with people about allergies.

Bottom Line

The best sex is personalized to the tastes of the people involved. In long term relationships, having inside jokes and showing you understand your partner’s(s) tastes and needs can be super sexy in and of itself.

Tastes and needs change as we age, as our bodies change, and as we mature. Just because the sex isn’t “bad” doesn’t mean you don’t need to shake it up a bit. The anticipation and excitement of trying something new by itself can break up the routine and bring a little passion back to your life!

Further Reading Suggestions

Specifically trying to get a new partner to try something kinky? Swingtown blog offers some great tips here!

#BDSM #Kink #sexlife #rut #tipsandtools #relationshiptips #fetlife #Pintrest #sexgames #creativesex #spicingupthebedroom

bdsm, connection, dating, intimacy, kink, Language, sexuality, texting, tips

7 Tips to Improve Your Sexy Banter

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Want to stimulate the biggest sex organ for anyone? You need to get their brain aroused! While many of us rely on visual stimuli to turn on our partners, learning to talk sexy to them can up our foreplay game, improve communication, and ultimately result in better sex.

For so many of us, dirty talk does not come naturally. It can feel forced, awkward, or just off-putting when we first try and let sexy things cross our lips. In general, sexy talk takes practice, an understanding of what is sexy to us and our partners, and the right vocabulary. Here are seven tips to accessing your inner sex chat line persona and turning on your partners.

1. Start Slow

If you are new to sexy talk, start slowly. Send a text or two. Try using just one or two prepared lines while you kiss your partner. Maybe just try being a bit vocal during sex. If you are normally quiet, try a few “oohs” and “yums,” before you launch into full sentences or an hour of sex chat. It can take a while to build your sexy talk muscles so it is okay to start very slowly and just see how it feels.

2. Customize Your Dirty Talk

Not every one will be turned on by the same things. Just like physical sex acts, everyone has preferences and specific things which are turn-ons and turn-offs. Spend some time figuring out what type of dirty talk will help your partner get aroused.

Is your partner one for direct communication and who enjoys powerful verbs? Use that type of communication in sexy talk. “Ooooh, give me that powerful dick!” or “Eat my ass” will turn them on.

Is your partner more drawn to flowery language, metaphors and similes? Try an poetic approach. “I want to inhale the scent of your secret garden,” or “Your nipples remind me of Turkish delight. I want to taste their sweetness on my tongue.”

Does your partner enjoy a bit of comedy and falls in the “geek/nerd” spectrum? Try incorporating some pop culture or comic book references. “I need your X Wing fighter into my exhaust port. I want to feel you go deep until I explode!”

What works with one person will not work for every person. The more dialed in you are to what turns on your partners, the better your sexy talk will be perceived.

3. Practice Talking Dirty

If you are not comfortable with dirty talk, practice. When you are driving alone or in your shower, practice saying things you might feel a bit awkward saying to a partner. Saying phrases and words aloud to yourself first and repeating as necessary can help you become more comfortable with them in the moment.

4. Improve Your Vocabulary

I write erotica. “Moist” has to be the most divisive word in the genre. Some folks love to use it, others abhor the word. In fact, when Oxford English Dictionary tried to quantify the most hated words in English, “moist” quickly shot to number one in America, England, and Canada! So, what is a girl to do when it comes to dirty talk? Build your vocabulary. Here are some popular sites for finding new words for body parts, sex acts, and more!

5. Read Sexy Stuff

We all need inspiration. Reading erotica, weather it is books, blog entries, fan fiction, or magazines, reading erotic content helps us get a sense of how language can be used to be sexy. Your favorite erotic authors will help you understand how language is used when it comes to the type of sex of your fantasies. This language will help you build your understanding of how to use sexy talk in real life.

Reading can also help you avoid very awkward sexy talk. For amusing and horrifyingly bad examples of men trying to write sexy, check out this post! If you don’t think these are the real way men think, please keep in mind a man, trying to sound sexy, once said to me he, “Wanted to fuck every hole. He couldn’t wait to fuck my right nostril.”

Um… what????

6. Timing is Critical!

Like telling jokes, using sexy talk is heavily dependent on timing. Injecting it at the wrong time can kill a move or seem off-putting. Used at the right time, sexy talk can amplify what is going on physically and emotionally.

One way to use sexy talk is as part of extended foreplay. If you are planning on having sex when you see your partner in the evening, start sending a few sexy text during the day. Keep in mind what they might be doing and gear the sexts to their current world. For example, if your partner is seeing a doctor for a check-up, sexting them right before they go back to be weighed and prodded may not feel great. However, if they are commuting home on public transit, hitting them up with a, “I can’t wait to see you tonight and slowly remove your boxer shorts with my teeth,” can give a nice sexy twinge to help them get in the mood.

If you use a more comedic approach to sexy talk (something I am personally prone too), doing it as your partner is edging close to climax can send the moment off the rails. I have accidentally interjected a sexy comic book reference which made him laugh hard enough to lose an erection- not my intended impact.

7. Be Genuine

Many people find incorporating a compliment with sexy talk to be very effective. Something like, “Ooooh! I love the way your dick fills me up!” or, “Your pussy smells so good!” can be both sexy and a compliment. It is important that you are genuine when you give a compliment or comment on your partner’s body.

Many of us are very sensitive about our bodies, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex. This means we tend to be on high alert for bullshit when people mention our bodies in relationship to our physical self. If a compliment isn’t genuine, many of us will immediately pick up on it and the compliment will fall flat or offend the person.

For example, I have arthritis in my hands. My hand job game is not the best part of my sexy repertoire. Its closer to rolling a log out of play-doh than anything sexy. If my partner tried to complement me on my hand job as I am squishing his bits, it would not come off as sexy but inauthentic. This would detract from our sexy time. When you go to compliment a partner with sexy talk, be sure you mean it.

#kink #bdsm #sexytalk #dirtytalk #sexting #chatting #sextips #relationshiptips #sex #intimacy

connection, dating, fantasies, intimacy, kink, marriage, masturbation, Porn, relatinships, sexuality, tips

Sex Life in a Rut? Break Out of It With These 5 Tips

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One of my favorite scenes from a movie is the therapy scene in the beginning of The Ref. Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey are in couples therapy and BD Wong is the therapist. At one point, Judy Davis’ is asked about their sex life. She replies:

A couple of kisses. A couple of nipple twists. It would all be over in the time it takes to make a cappuccino. I know because I timed it once.

~ The Ref

I love it because that rings true for anyone who has gotten into a sex rut. Sex ruts happen to all of us! It doesn’t matter what kinks we are into, how often we are having sex, and how wild we can be. Everyone gets into sex ruts.

What is a Sex Rut?

When I talk about a rut, I mean your sex life have become predictable and mundane. It may be defaulting to morning sex in the same position twice a week or the same bondage and impact routine twice a month. Whatever your go-to sex is, you start repeating it without much thought. It’s not that the sex gets bad. It can be good sex. It is more that it is predictable and a bit boring.

Why Do People Get Stuck in a Rut?

There are lots of reasons people get stuck in sex ruts. It takes time and energy to plan out new and different approaches to sexy time. We all reach points in our lives where we have very little extra energy to learn about new sexaul play or plan eleborate scenes. Everything from stressful times at work, to never getting a break from the kids because they are being home-schooled, to being physically exhausted can limit the energy we have to plan for sex.

Sometimes we get into a rut because we stop prioritizing sex. When we get into a long-term relationships we tend to settle into a routine, including a routine sex life. Unlike the early parts of a relationship, years into an established relationship we stop putting in the same energy and priority to our sex lives. We get tired of making waxing appointments, practicing our yoga for rope positions, and buying sexy outfits. We can let our sex lives go on autopilot like we do our dinner choices and our date nights.

Ruts can also establish themselves because we have found a series of sexual behaviors which consistently work to get us what we need. We learn our partner’s erotic rubic cube of touches and activities that will result in a satisfying orgasm so we keep going back to the tried and true.

To repeat, sex in a rut isn’t necessarily bad sex. Its just predictable and not very exciting sex.

5 Tips to Break Your Sexual Rut

  1. Prioritize Sex. Treat your sex life like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Remember being excited for a date with your partner? You would groom for sex. You would change the sheets, set out candles, perfume yourself, and pick out the right pair of panties (or leave them in the dresser). While dinner, a movie or theater, and other aspects of the date were important, sex was a key thing you looked forward too. Go back to that! Start making sex a priority of couples time again. Prepare for it. Plan for it. Get excited about it again!
  2. Put it on the Calendar. I know, the thought of putting sex on your Google Calendar is not sexy. The first time I suggested this to my current partner he balked at the concept. “Sex from 6 to 8 PM on Thursday, repeat weekly for 30 weeks” as a calendar entry feels weird. HOWEVER, putting it on the calendar can get you to treat sex like you would other meetings. You will realize you may need to prepare for it! You may not need to do a PowerPoint presentation (you may, I don’t know what you are into), but you may need to get a babysitter. Or, you may need to get a waxing appointment, or buy new underwear, or change the sheets. It will help prioritize sex and carve out time for you and a partner.
  3. Commit to Trying Something New. The great thing about sex is that there are literally millions of things to try! Make a commitment to try something new with your partner. Take a class together on a specific kink. Shop and buy a new sex toy together. Learn to tie a few knots and give a bit of bondage a go. Whatever your interests are, commit to trying something new.
  4. Masturbate. Many of us who are coupled let our own masturbation practices go by the wayside. Or, like our sex life, our mastubation gets into a rut. Reinvest in your own self pleasure. Work on developing new fantasies or finding new porn to watch or read. Try new masturbation techniques. Pay attention to what is really working to turn you on and then communicate that to your partner.
  5. Talk to Your Partner About the Rut. Bring up your concerns about being in a rut to your partner. Let them know that while the sex may still be really fun and effective, you are ready to try something new and break up a rut. They may or may not have noticed the rut themselves. Talk to them about how they see your sex life. It may be as simple of letting your partner know you feel the sex has become routine to get them to switch it up. It may open a conversation about what new things you want to try together. They may give you some really fun ideas about what to do to shake things up.

Good luck shaking it up! Stay Kinky!

#kink #bdsm #sextips #boringsex #longtermrelationships #newsexideas #sexrut #rut #sex

bdsm, community, identity, kink, learning, newbie, power, psychology, relatinships, sexuality, Submission

New Year! Better, Kinkier YOU!

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I am so excited to announce I will be working with Wicked Grounds to host “30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery” in January 2021.

So many people are looking for ways to develop and explore their kinks. There are great books, blogs, and classes out there. However, sometimes we need a space to connect with others in our kinky journey and work through what we need from our kinky sex lives, our relationships, and ourselves.

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery is designed to help participants connect with others and develop their identities. Weather you are new to kink or established in the life style, there is always plenty of room to grow. This class will connect folks to talk about a wide range of kinky topics.

Additionally, participants will have the option to do at-home exercises from journaling, to readings to sharing images with other class participants. We will talk about things like “what makes someone submissive or dominant?” “Are specific kink acts only for one side of the slash?” and “How do some people use kink to address past emotional trauma?”

I have put together a huge list of resources for use after the class so that you can continue your kinky jounrey. From readings, to exercises, to coaching options, to dating sites and more you will have access to these resources long after the class ends.

The class comes with a free workbook and options to check in daily. Course packages start with a single class, 5- 10- and 20 class day options, and the full 30 day course. The first course on January 2nd is FREE to all interested parties.

This class is open and appropriate for all genders, sexual orientations, sides of the slash, level of experience, and sexual expressions.

I am includng the class schedule below for people who want to check it out before buying a package.

Tickets are availabled at:

https://www.brownpapertickets.com/event/4848428

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery

Course Outline

Jan 2    Introductory class (Free), Course overview, ways to explore your kinky world

Week 1: Me, Myself, and I

Jan 3    Kink origin stories and how they shape our identities

Jan 4    Blurred lines: identity, roles, and expression of kinky self

Jan 5    Finding our language: looking at labels, connotations, and concepts of identity

Jan 6    Visual Stimuli: Images of kink and our identity

Jan 7    Ideals: Relations, Role, and Sexual Ideals of the self

Jan 8    Drives: What drives your desires

Jan 9    Drilling Down: Identifying your core kink

Week 2: Roles

Jan 10  Defining Roles in Kink

Jan 11  Dominance: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 12  Submission: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 13  Switches: Concepts, Examples, and Exploration

Jan 14  Identifying Your Needs and How Roles May Meet Them

Jan 15  Always, Often, Sometimes, Never: Desired Amounts of Kink

Jan 16  Sexual and Fetish Activities and Role Intersection

Week 3: Power

Jan 17  Interpersonal and Situational Power in Kink and BDSM

Jan 18  Finding Your Personal Power

Jan 19  Power for All Identities

Jan 20  Alternative forms of Power in Kink

Jan 21  Circles of Power

Jan 22  Power and Dominance

Jan 23  Power and Submission

Week 4: Getting Very Personal

Jan 24  Consent: What is it? Is it Situational? How to ask and keep it sexy

Jan 25  Kink and Trauma: Overview on interactions of kink and trauma

Jan 26  Kink as Healing

Jan 27  Kink, BDSM, and Mental Health Concerns

Jan 28  Kink and Your Body

Jan 29  Limits

Jan 30  Yikes! Dealing with what scares you

Jan 31  Going Forward: Where do you go from here?