Now that I have been doing interviews with mainstream media folks about kink and non-monogamy, I am learning there are some pretty standard questions. Like any professional artist (writer/musician/visual artist/comedian) I grow weary of the repetitive nature of these interviews and the lack of research by many reporters.
Below are my real answers to the standard questions and what I actually say. Kinky people who talk about their lives with others will probably relate.
You practice non-monogamy. Do you ever get jealous?
What I generally say: Occasionally, yes. But most of the time things are good with my partners and me.
What I want to say: Occasionally, yes. But unlike the jealousy that arises in monogamous couples, mine does not stem for a belief that I somehow own my partner. Most of the time there are roots in my own insecurities or current life circumstances that drive a need to be with a partner and have more attention from them than I usually do and the inability to get that creates a projection onto another person which then becomes feeling of jealousy. And, unlike monogamous couples where jealousy is seen as normal and a sign of deep love and attachment, I tend to view it as the manifestation of something missing in my life in general. I understand that it is rarely as simply as a partner not spending enough time with me.
You talk about being into BDSM. Can you tell me what that means?
What I generally say: BDSM is an acronym for Bondage Dominance SadoMasochism. It is a shorthand term used to indicate a wide variety of relationship dynamics and sexualized play. It can encompass people engaging in a Dominant/submissive dynamic psychologically and generally includes people involved in a wide range of fetish behavior.
What I want to say: Really fucker? You didn’t Google that or put it into your Urban Dictionary app before talking to me. Lazy shithead.
What is the kinkiest thing you have ever done?
What I generally say: I have tried a lot of things people think of as “kinky.” I have enjoyed some. Others I have disliked. I don’t go into details.
What I want to say: My sexual history would melt your brain. There would be a moment like the one in Indiana Jones where your face melts off at the mere description of my weekend. And I am not going to sleep with you, so it’s none of your fucking business.
Do you have lots of partners?
What I generally say: It depends on what you would define as “a lot.” And are we talking lifetime numbers, current, consecutive, and so on.
What I want to say: More than a virgin, less than most porn stars. And why does this matter to anyone I am not dating?
You must have sex all the time!
What I generally say: Statistically, married people have sex about once a week. Single people have sex about twice a month. So, statistically, I am above average. But like everyone, there are times I want to have sex and times I just want to lie on the couch and watch a bad movie.
What I want to say: Like every other person in the world, this fluctuates. There have been times I have had a lot of sex, and times I have had less sex. Realistically, I have way more sex that most people. But, I am also a lot better at it than most people. So, that seems right.
How did you get into kink/BDSM?
What I generally say: My first boyfriend bought me handcuffs and I found I like to get tied up. Then I found the LGBT community and met diverse people.
What I want to say: I did not “get into” kink – kink has always been a part of who I am. My Barbie left Ken in the Dreamhouse and went on dates with Darth Vader. He was a much more suitable partner for her and her big tits than smooth-crotch Ken.
What is a dungeon? You mean we have those in this town?
What I generally say: These are community spaces in most towns where kinky people meet to socialize. They often offer education classes, skill courses, and then have a place where people can engage in kinky activities.
What I want to say: It’s like a gym, but with equipment you actually want to use.
Plus, you know how much space you have to have to mount a St. Andrews cross and throw a five foot single tail whip? That real estate is pricey and my neighbors get concerned with all the screaming. And who has room for all the equipment you want to play on?
What advice would you give someone wanting to get into non-monogamy or kink?
What I generally say: I would find a way to educate myself about some of the life styles. Read, listen to podcasts, join discussion groups in your area. Talk to people who practice what you want to explore. Figure stuff out before you just jump in to something new.
What I want to say: Do more research than you obviously did for this fucking interview.
What did you think of 50 Shades of Gray?
What I generally say: There has been a lot of good commentary about this book by well established kink experts. I don’t feel a need to rehash what they have said. I would be happy to provide you links to their commentaries and podcasts.
What I want to say: When the hell is this crap-ass fan fiction’s 15 minutes going to be up? Don’t you realize that it is not the only kink book ever written. Oh right, you also asked me to define BDSM. Of course you don’t know the literary market.