Preview Chapter: How Home Porn Changed My Life for the Better

Excerpt from  Love Letters to a Unicorn: A book about kink, bdsm, and non-monogamy. 2014.

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How Home Porn Changed My Life for the Better

Let me start by saying this is not a suggestion that every woman go and get naked and have pictures taken of her by whatever person she is seeing. That is not a good idea. People break up, people try to get even, pictures that were consensual with the understanding that only he or she would see them go viral on the Internet and your father ends up getting an eyeful of his little girl. So please, do not run out and ask the first person you know to take nudes of you.

However, for me, my foray into amateur home porn was transformative in a very positive way. I think there are lessons that can be drawn from this to help many people with body image. Additionally, this is almost never a position taken on body image blogs or women-centered blogs and I think it is critically missing.

I am six feet tall and weigh about 275 pounds and I am 40 years old. By any American standard I am unattractive. This was not always the case. At 21, I was 6 feet tall, 160 pounds, with DD breasts. That was considered pretty. I still did not think I was pretty at that time, but by standard definitions, I was.

I have hated my body since I was about ten. I was too big by my standards. I have dieted since I was eight. I always felt enormous, gigantic and ugly. By the time I was 17, I began to actively avoid being photographed because I hated the way I looked so much that I did not want any record of me.  There were years in my mid-20s and -30s that no one got a single photo of me. I literally edited myself out of the record because I despised my body.

The more weight I gained, the more I hated myself. By the time I divorced at 36, I was convinced that if I did not drop at least 100 pounds I would never have a date again. I didn’t go onto the dating marked for a year-and-a-half, in part to give me time to become attractive enough to think any man would find me tolerable enough to date.

When I began online dating I was convinced that I would never get a message because I was so ugly and fat. But…. I was sick of being lonely and I hadn’t had sex in 18 months so I took the risk and posted a few photos. I was shocked that men responded to this. I was convinced at first that I was drawing only bottom-of-the barrel guys. Guys who had been rejected by “pretty” girls and were now trying the “big” girls to see if someone with “lower” standards would date them. Luckily, that was not the case.

I actually met several guys who were both conventionally attractive and who said they found me attractive. For a while, I dismissed these compliments and just a line guys would say because they wanted sex and they must be settling for me.

Then, I met the unicorn who I knew liked bigger girls. I saw pictures of the other women he had dated and had relationships with. They were as big as I was. He was remarkably handsome, incredibly fun and truly a good guy at his core.

So, after we had seen each other for several months, he asked if he could take nude shots of me. I was horrified. Me, nude, on film? Ewwwwww. My giant butt featured in a full shot? Dear Lord, what a horrible concept. It was not a comfortable idea at all.

However, I really like him and sure this would be his own collection and not be posted publicly, so I acquiesced. Now, the general rule all girls know about nude shots is to never have your face in them. If they are leaked, body shots are harder to identify. For me, body shots are as identifiable as face shots. I have a third of my body tattooed in custom ink. My tattoos are very unique and anyone who knows me could pick my thighs out of a line up. I knew if I allowed these pictures to be taken, I could not deny they were  me and I would have to live with the reactions of people if they ever were posted anywhere.

Over the next several months, the unicorn photographed and filmed me naked dozens of times. The first time he sent me a Dropbox file with photos I was afraid to open it. I actually poured myself a drink and took several sips before clicking the link. I held my breath as I waited for the images to load. I was prepared to hate every shot and see how unattractive I was reflected back at me.

An amazing thing happened. As the images came up on screen, I saw how he saw me. He had framed each shot to capture what he likes to see and what he sees when he looks at me. They were beautiful. They were sexy. I actually LIKED what I was seeing. I could barely believe these were me in the photo. And the best part was, he didn’t Photoshop a single image.

Over time, I have compiled a good number of shots and short films with him. As with any photo shoot, there are really good images and others that are less the perfect. However, the ones I think need to go in the delete file are not because they reflect something ugly. The deleted shots are the ones where one eye is closed on accident and I look silly, or they are the one with the finger in the way, or they are the ones with bad lighting. However, most of the shots and images I think are really sexy.

For the first time in my life I actually like the way I look. I actually appreciate my body for what it is. This is not because I have achieved the perfectly flat belly and thin thighs I have quested for over the past 30 years. No. By any standard I am still a fat girl. Now, however, I can see how someone else can find beauty in this and it has helped me find the beauty in myself.

So, while I would never tell a woman to have her partner crack out the phone and start snapping away, I would say that if your partner really does find you beautiful, seeing a picture of you though their eyes can be transformative. I read hundreds of articles and posts about the need for fat girls to embrace their bodies before I shot home porn. I always agreed with the premise but could never apply it to me. Once I saw myself through the eyes of someone who really thinks I am beautiful it changed everything.

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