Dear Auntie Vice:
I am a dominant. My submissive says she wants to serve me. However, she seems to push back against any direct request for specific suggestions of service. I am not sure what I am supposed to do.
Dear Auntie Vice:
I think I am a submissive, but I hate tasks like cooking, cleaning, and laundry. My dominant says this means I’m not a real submissive. He told me all submissives serve their dominants. Does this mean I’m not really a submissive?
These two questions have a lot of overlap. I’ll answer them both here.
There is No Service Requirement for Submission
I know a bunch of my readers are yelling at the screen right now. I stand by my statement. Service is not a requirement of submission.
First, there is no “one true way” to do anything in kink. If a person is insisting “all submissives” or “all dominants” always do something, run! This is a BIG RED FLAG!! The great thing about kink is it is a “chose your own adventure” type of thing. You and your partner(s) get to decide what works for you, what your roles mean, and how flexible you want to be in any dynamic.
While I love the flexibility of kink and power exchange, it does mean finding people who click with your desired way of interacting is a bit more difficult. We use names for roles like “submissive,” “Dominant,” “switch,” “Daddy,” and “pet,” to denote a general category we fall into in our desired roles and type of kink play. However, kink play is one part of it, power exchange is another. To find a matching person, it requires a lot more than just saying you are into a specifically labeled role.
Social Pressure
Culturally, we tend to direct people of specific genders into specific roles. In the US, women generally feel some pressure to adopt the submissive role first and men adopt the dominant role. In the UK, it is a bit more open to women exploring submission. Each country has different pressures on genders when they enter kink. For those of us who are trans or gender nonconforming, our body often shapes how people see our “innate” role.
For example, I’m six feet tall and built like a linebacker. I’m covered in tattoos and walk with confidence. When I enter a kink space, people read this as “Dominant.” I’m not. I am big ol’ sub. But that is not what people read me as.
In some groups, people are told that to become a Dominant or Master, you have to start as a submissive. This may be part of formal training. Other folks hold the belief that to be a good Dominant, you must first experience everything you would want your submissive to do or experience.
I disagree with this approach. Dominance and submission require unique psychological approaches to kink. Some people can switch between these head spaces and experience both. Others have a very difficult time being one role or the other and may only do it under protest. I would argue this is not “experiencing” a role because it does not provide the understanding of the emotional and psychological side of the role.
You cannot remove the social pressure to pursue one role over another. However, you can choose not to follow it. If something doesn’t feel right, don’t do it.
Defining the Terms for Yourself
When you start exploring kink, you often get funneled into the style of kink which predominates your community. This may be engaging in specific types of play; communal understandings of what different roles mean; pressure to look a specific way or something else. Finding multiple sources to learn from becomes critical for not getting stuck in one way of experiencing kink.
Read, take classes, listen to podcasts, talk to lots of people from lots of backgrounds. The more you open yourself to learning about the ways a variety of folks do kink, the more likely you are to find someone you resonate with. I keep a list of vetted educators and resources on my blog. I don’t agree with all of them on everything, but they all have something you can learn from.
As you grow in your role, you get to define what your role(s) means to you. This means submissives can decide if they are service oriented, prefer to be babied and taken care of, want to be a kitty who lies in the sun and knocks over coffee mugs, or something else. Your partner(s) may suggest forms of service, but you get to decide if this is something you want to engage in.
Service Submissives
Service is a big part of the kink community. This may be to a partner, the community, or an organization. This can come from folks with any role. Our communities are built on people who volunteer time, energy, and skills to help others. Volunteering at conferences, being a Dungeon Monitor, teaching a class, are all forms of community service. Service is not a uniquely “submissive” thing.
That said, there is the role of service submissive. A service submissve provides some form of service (sexual, emotional, physical, etc.) to their Dominant partner. Service may be confined to sex and kink play time (e.g., pegging your Dominant as a form of “serving a need”). It may be expanded to other forms of service in kink spaces (e.g., tea service, setting up play spaces). It may be extended to the daily dynamic (e.g., ironing their clothing, cleaning the kitchen weekly). How, when, and what activities a submissive does are something each partnership negotiates and re-negotiates over the course of a relationship.
You do not have to get joy from service to be a service submissive. The acts of repetitive service fall into “service submissive” territory. Some of us do get joy from these acts. I am a two on the Enneagram (the “Helper”). I do derive joy from helping others. This makes being a service submissve a happy space for me. I know plenty of other submissives who enjoy pleasing their partners. Acts of service do that so they serve despite not loving the specific task.
What If I am a Service Sub Who Hates Service
The easiest thing might be to redefine your role. Hate something? Why are you still doing it?
However, if you are in a partnership with someone you want to remain in a partnership with and they want you to engage in service, you will need to find some way to manage this dynamic.
1. Talk about forms of service which the submissive is okay with performing. The dominant cannot be the one to exclusively define what counts as “service.” Each partner should make a list of what they want for service. The dominant should list acts of service they like to receive. The submissive should list acts they want too perform/are okay performing. Find the overlap as a place to start.
2. Start small. If you are a submissve (or have a submissive) who does not seem to enjoy service, but you want to incorporate this into your dynamic, start with small, quickly managed tasks. This could be bringing you a cup of coffee in the morning prepared the way you like. It may be sending a reminder text about doctor’s appointments. It may include taking out the trash every evening. Small, discrete and repetitive tasks can help build a service muscle.
3. Implement a recognition or reward system for service. If you submissive is having a hard time doing service tasks, create a reward system for them. This may be creating a chart with service tasks and giving them a gold star every time they complete one. It may be setting goals such as “bring me coffee every morning for two weeks and I will buy you that special thing you wanted.” The key here is to create a reward system that works for the submissive. What makes them happy? Positive feedback (the gold stars)? Gifts? Extra time just with them? Work together to create a reward system to encourage service.
4. Explore different types of service. If you think service is bringing someone a cup of tea when they are sad you are likely to bring everyone a cup of tea when they are down. You may keep bringing a sad person a cup of tea but they don’t drink it. If the person hates tea, your service isn’t helpful. You and your partner(s) must find overlap in what service is provide and what can be received as service. One form not working? Move on.
5. None of this working? Maybe consider that the submissive isn’t really a service sub. Alternatively, are you a Dominant who can receive service? We expect the recipient to want and enjoy service. Some of us find receiving service or asking for it awkward, uncomfortable, or disconcerting. If you are a dominant, how are you responding to the acts of service? Consider your reactions might be part of the miss-match.
If you have a question for me, drop me a note here or email me at AuntieVice@FatChicksonTop.com. I’ll answer you here and on my podcast Fat Chicks on Top.
Want to explore cannabis service rituals? Join me April 20 at 4:20 for my CannaService Class through Wicked Grounds. Tickets at: https://forbiddentickets.com/events/wicked-grounds/2025-04-20-online-canna-service