Tag Archives: body positive

An Introduction to Body Affirming Kink Play

Feeling bad about your body is common. Regardless of your actual weight, height, ability, shape, gender, or age, anyone can feel bad about they way they look.

Feeling bad about your body can make it harder to connect with someone romantically and intimately. If you are not comfortable with the way you look, you may not want to be naked in front of someone, feel guarded, or unwilling to get physically close to someone.

Various types of kinky play and power exchange can help you feel better about your body. These exercises are for all genders, sexual orientations, and sides of the slash.

How Do I Know If I Have Shame Around My Body?

Shame about your body may not be obvious to you. Ask yourself the following questions:

  • When I look in a mirror, what do I say to myself?
  • When you start dating something new, is there any hesitation or fear about them seeing your body?
  • If you had to send a nude picture to someone today, would you be comfortable doing so without changing anything about your body?
  • Do you find yourself criticizing your body or parts of your body?
  • Do you feel betrayed by your body?

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, these exercises may help you become more comfortable in your own skin.

Keep It Genuine

If you are the person giving compliments, make sure they are genuine. If you live with body shame, you are conditioned to disregard compliments. A non-genuine compliment is easily dismissed and make future compliments more difficult to accept. If you want to help the person you love feel better about their body, you need to make sure what you say is real. Keeping your compliments genuine is the most important step.

Nude Pictures Exercise

As part of your protocols, a dominant may instruct a submissive to send nude shots to them daily. A combination of one full body nude and one other sexy picture of the submissive’s choosing is often a good combination.

When the dominant receives the pictures, send the submissive genuine compliments about what you enjoy about the photo. At the end of 30 days, compare the first pictures sent and the most recent.

Mirror Exercise

Have the submissive stand in front of a mirror. The dominant begins by complimenting the submissive’s body, part by part. After several compliments, ask the submissive compliment their own body.

Make sure to negotiate aftercare before this exercise. This exercise can be very overwhelming for a person with a lot of body shame. It can be very difficult to accept compliments about your body if you are not comfortable with it.

Body Signing Exercises

This exercise works for either the dominant or the submissive. Remember, dominants can feel bad about their bodies too!

Get a set of sharpies or other body-safe markers. One partner writes loving messages on the other partner’s body. When finished, take photos of all the messages before the person showers.

This can be a triggering exercise for people with a lot of body shame. Make sure to have an aftercare plan in place.

A Note on Aftercare

With exercises that address body shame, there is a chance that the person receiving the compliments will be upset. The more you hate your body or a body part, the harder it can be to receive genuine compliments and love.

When you are planning on engaging in these exercises, make sure you negotiate what the person needs after a scene when they become upset. Because these exercises require that a person be naked, having a way for them to cover themselves and feel secure is important. A blanket, fuzzy sweater, or robe is a great option.

Over time, these exercises can help grow a person’s body confidence. Depending on the depth of body shame, it make take doing one or many exercises repeatedly to break through your walls around your shame. This is okay.

Remember, you are enough as you are. Your body is beautiful and deserving of love.

#bodypositive #bodyaffirmations #intimacy #bodyconfidence #love #relationships #bdsm #kink #selfcare #powerexchange #protocols #nudephotos

What a Drag!


Episode 15: What a Drag!

Host: Auntie Vice, Amy Estes

Guests: Eartha Tremors (of the Windy City Imperial Court), Katori Knight (guest performer with the Rebel Kings), and Shahera Hyatt (comic)

Drag is so much more than what we see on RuPaul’s Drag Race. Eartha Tremors of the Windy City Imperial Court joins Auntie Vice to chat about the Court’s history, purpose and drag more broadly. Katori Knight talks about performing as a drag king with the Rebel Kings and drag vs. burlesque. Shahera Hyatt talks about her work with unhomed youth, performing comedy for queer audiences, and being bisexual.

Epsidoe 14: Disability, Healing, and Star Trek


Hosts: Auntie Vice and CharRon Smith

Guests: Kirsten Shultz, Katori Knight, Amber Whitford

Disability advocates Kristen Shultz and Katori Knight discuss their disability journeys, non-binary identities, and joy in pop culture and performance.

Amber Whitfor and CharRon Smith bond over Next Generation and argue about the value of the first Black captain getting an outpost versus a ship to captain. Auntie Vice is just confused by this whole thing…

Want to Improve Your Sex Life? This Tip Works Every Time!

Three women with their backs to the camera, all wearing rhumba panties. One Latina, one Black and one white woman, all fat with curves and cellulite showing. Caption reads "Fat Bottom Girls Make My Rockin' World Go Round"

Sorry for the click bait title, but it got you here. Now for some actual substance.

I have been talking to a lot of folks over 40 about sex. This is partly due to the fact that I am over 40 and I have a lot of friends over 40 and we talk about sex. The other part is, there is next to no good info out there about sex for folks between 40 and 65. Those of us in this age group disappear from the media. Sex over 40 is seen as such a turnoff that several major magazines have accepted pitched pieces and then when they ask for a bio and see I am over 40 reject it explicitly stating their readers are only interested in sex info from folks between 25 and 39. Blick!

In my conversations with older folks one thing that arises pretty consistently is how much better sex is after 40. There are lots of reasons for this, of course. But one overarching factor that predicts individuals reporting better sex after 40 is more comfort with their own bodies. This actually kind of surprised me.

Why am I surprised? Because aging bodies can be harder to love! For me, my joints ache more. I have a ton of gray hair- everywhere. I am fatter, saggier, and less bendy than I was in my 20s. I miss those days where I could crash on a friend’s floor for a night and not feel like I was hit by a train the next morning. I miss being able to go out drinking and not have to plan a three-day recovery session. I miss not dealing with boob sweat. But… here I am.

Despite all of this sex now is so much better than it was even five or ten years ago. I find this is true for a lot of peeps over 40. A huge part of sex leveling up is the fact that even as our knees crack and balls sag a bit more and we get salt and pepper pubes, we are cool with it.

Get Comfortable with Your Body

Getting comfortable with your own body and whatever flaws it may have doesn’t just come with the aging process. The people I know who got comfortable with their own bodies did a lot of work. Here are the steps a lot of us take.

The first part is unlearning the culturally dictated rules of beauty. This gets easier as you age. Magazines, television, and pretty much all media including social media, holds young, ridiculously skinny, white, folks with perfect teeth, skin and hair as the pinnacle of beauty. Even as corporations find it profitable to jump on the body positive bandwagon, they still stick to the typically “acceptable” bodies.

For example, there is a legging company that touts in all its ads that they make leggings and bras for “all sizes.” There is not a single model in any of their ads over size 2 or a bust size of a B cup. Shout that you make appeal for “all sizes” but you xxl is a 16 and your biggest bra accommodates a 38D and you are only fooling your ad team about being “inclusive.”

As we age, we see fewer and fewer folks that look like we do. So the ability to see the absurdity of the American/Western beauty standard becomes easier. If you start to seek out images of people who look more like you (and there are plenty of folks on Instagram, Tumbler, and blogs) who cover all body types, sizes, races, abilities, hair styles, and ages it makes it easier to start seeing yourself as acceptable. I strongly suggest seeking out folks on Instagram and bloggers who look like you! There is something really empowering about seeing yourself reflected as beautiful and fashionable outside of your own home.

Your Changing Body

Second, folks who get comfortable with themselves accept that their bodies will change. Longing for the thigh gap you had at 20 or the flexibility and strength you had in high school, or the hair you had in your 30s will only make you miserable. Its not coming back. That is simple physiology.

This doesn’t mean you cannot be strong, or flexible, or healthy or fit. I know plenty of runners and crossfit enthusiasts and yoga practitioners over 40 who have incredible physical skills. Some of them are even stronger or more flexible or have better mile times than they did in their 20s, but none of them have the bodies they had two decades ago. Accepting this as a fact of life makes it easier to love your own body.

Start trying to accept small changes. Instead of violently plucking out the gray hairs lamenting that you are aging, either decide you want to dye it away or embrace the gray. You don’t have to sport a mane of ivory locks to prove you accept yourself. Its perfectly fine to dye the gray away and love your look. Accepting yourself does not have to mean going au natural! You can love yourself and still embrace make-up, hair dye, lifts, tucks, and pretty much anything that helps you feel beautiful. Its about what drives the desire to do the “upkeep.”

How can I say love yourself and be cool with a facelift? Because sometimes we need a little extra help to feel good. Its your emotional state and what drives the decision which will determine if you love yourself post facelift. If you are getting one because you believe it will fix your flaws and will be the thing to make you happy I have disappointing news. No matter how talented your surgeon, when the swelling goes down, you will still hate yourself and see your flaws. If you go in liking yourself and happy with yourself but want a bit of sprucing up, you will most likely be happy with the results.

For example, I am comfortable that my face is aging. I have laugh lines and crows feet and I am cool with that. Overall, I am pretty comfortable with my own body. However, a good facial or dermabrassion that helps buff away a bit of the dead skin and gives me a glow makes me feel fantastic! I don’t need the facial to like myself, but I do enjoy the extra kick it gives me.

Learn to Live with Imperfections

Finally accept that you have imperfections. This can be hard. There are always going to be things about our bodies we don’t like. Look, you don’t have to like everything about your body, but you do have to be able to live with it. Think of your imperfections like a roommate. You don’t have to go to the bar and hang out every week, you don’t have to chill every night and have dinner with them. But life is a lot better if you don’t mind that they are in your space.

For me, one of the things I used to HATE about myself is my facial hair. I am very pale but I got my dad’s hair, which means it is very dark (we are both typically “Black Irish”). I get a little mustache and pointy-ass chin hairs. If I just let it be, I’d probably look like a 13 year old Irish kid trying to grow out a mustache and beard. Not cute. I pluck and wax regularly to keep the hair at bay. It used to make me really hate my face.

Now… its there. I have to do a bit of maintenance to keep it at bay. Its just part of me and my routine.

But How Does This Make Sex Better?

How does any of this make sex better? The more comfortable you are with yourself the more honest and intimate you can be with your partner. If you are not worried about hiding your flaws and trying to keep some mask on during sex, you can be more fully who you are. You can relax. You can start to enjoy the deeper connections and intimacy that come with good sex.

When I was younger it was really important to me that my partners find me sexy. I worried about what my face and tits and butt looked like during sex. I wanted to get into poses I saw in magazines and in porn. I wanted to sound “right” during sex. I wanted to do the sexy hair flip thingy when I was in cowgirl. My lawd was that exhausting and distracting!

Worrying about if my breasts looked perky enough when I was on my back or about a pimple on my buns during doggy meant I wasn’t concentrating on my partner or my own pleasure. Seriously. If you are there getting railed from behind and your thoughts are, “OMG! What if she notices the big pimple on my left butt check?” you are not actually experiencing most of what is going on in the moment. You are caught up in worrying about that stupid pimple.

Being able to let that worry go and concentrate instead on what you are feeling, what your partner is feeling, and just becoming present allows for a deeper connection and intimacy. You begin to notice your partner’s breathing, the way your bits are contracting or expanding, what your partner is saying or not saying comes to the forefront instead of your brain going, “OMG! What if that pimple pops while I am getting reamed?!?”

True story. Last weekend I was with my partner. I trimmed up his beard and mustache for an event we had that night. Whenever I do this, his beard hair gets everywhere. The stuff has launching power when its cut that makes me question what I know about physics.

Anyway, after I finished trimming him up and we cleaned up we started making out. He was on top of me kissing me. When he pulled up to look at me he noticed a hair on my upper lip and went to brush it away. It didn’t brush away at first so he tried again. It was still there so he said, “Oh! I thought that was mine. Its attached.”

I was able to bust out laughing. Fifteen years ago I would have been mortified by this statement. I would have got into my head and started the self-abuse I do about not being perfect, how gross facial hair is on women and regardless of his touches and such, I would only be experiencing my own hate of my body.

Instead, now that I did the work to accept this flaw, I was able to laugh. Which then turned into some really satisfying sex and a midday nap. And that is way better than worrying about some random lip hair.

#beauty #culturalstandards #sex #connections #love #intimacy #relationships #sexover40 #40 #women #facialhair #pimples #relationships #aging

Episode 13: Invisible Disabilities


Co-Hosts: Erica Ambrin, Auntie Vice

Guests: Ali Yada, Amber Whitford

Erica Ambrin (musician, songwriter) joins Auntie Vice to chat music, creativity, writing, and love. She drops an amazing song for the guests.

Ali Yada (comic) talks about creating her Invisible Disabilities comedy show, living with anxiety and what meth addiction and Mormonism have in common.

Amber Whitford (comic) talks about living with multiple invisible disabilities, pursuing her passion, and recycling cats.

Episode 12: Connections


Co-Hosts: Auntie Vice and Erica Ambrin

Guests: Koe Creation, Ali Yada

Guest co-host Erica Ambrin talks to Auntie Vice about music, connecting to people through love, and drops an amazing acapella song.

Koe Creation (author, educator) talks about their new memoir This Heart Holds Many which covers their childhood growing up in a polyamours, sex-positive family in the Pacific Northwest.

Ali Yada (comic, bubbelologist) talks about her show “Invisible Disabilit

ies” which has comics talking about their invisible disabilities as a way of destigmatising and normalizing the disabilities so many of us live with and how that has connected her with a huge group of people seeking out tribe.

Episode 11: Sex Toys!


Guests: Paul Imagine (adult toy store owner) and Lindsay Hoppe (sex toy reviewer)

Auntie Vice and

CharRon chat about their feelings about sex toys, being a couple where Auntie Vice embraces sex toys and CharRon is much more hesitant, and using sex toys as a couple.

Paul Imagine talks about owning an adult toy store, how folks can get the most out of a visit to their local brick and mortar sex toy dealer, and how many people use noses to test toys.

Lindsay Hoppe talks about sex toys for bigger bodies folks, the challenges, the ones which work really well, and what she would like to see the toy world develop for fat folks.

Decolonizing Beauty


Fat Chicks hosts Auntie Vice and Wendy Lewis interview Mariana Moscosos of the Decolonization Project and Stacey Gee a slam poet exploring ideas of beauty stemming from her heritage. Our conversation covers how the culture of colonizing groups from England, Spain  and France changed ideas of gender and sexuality, language and ideas of beauty. Guests discuss ways they have unlearned problematic ideas of beauty and work to embrace their own bodies and beauty.

Bonus Clips! Alice in Bondageland and Bevin


Bonus Clips!!

Our producer CharRon has put bonus material together from some of our most interesting guests.

Alice in Bondageland talks pet play and why people would be into kink.

Bevin (Fat Kids Dance Party) talks about the importance of self-care and how she goes about self-care with her incredibly demanding schedule.


#kink #bdsm #podcast #petplay #relationships #selfcare #bodypositive #sexpositive #love #health #fat #women

Episode 9: 40!!!



Guests: Evie Vane (author, blogger) and Tina Hayes (Belly Dancer/Model)

Auntie Vice and guest co-host CharRon Smith discuss their feelings on turning 40 and what they have discovered now that they both passed that milestone.

Evie Vane discusses her award-winning book Bondage for All Bodies, discovering kink after 40, and her work in the bondage community.

Tina Hayes discusses how the body positive movement has impacted her as a straight-sized person, how she recovered from an abusive relationship and got back out on the dating scene after 40,  her reaction and work around her daughter’s eating disorder, turning 40, and the joys of sex after 40.


#dating #sex #sexuality #relationships #onlinedating #tinder #love #marriage #abuse #recovery #bodypositive #bodyimage #aging #forty #women #eatingdisorders #bulimia #anorexia #parenting #anal #rope #writing #bondage #bdsm #kink

What 100 Hours of Talking to Sexy Peeps Taught Me

I launched my podcast project Fat Chicks On Top a few months back. I have been recording and building content since March. Its been a perfect excuse to call sexy, powerful people I have long admired and talk to them about their bodies.

The folks on the show have a huge range of careers, personal histories, sexual orientations, gender orientations, races, and romantic styles. From comics to sex educators, porn stars, nurses and software engineers, they have a few things in common. They are self-assured but not to the point of cocky. They embrace the bodies they have but do not necessarily love themselves unconditionally. They are kind. They are successful in their chosen careers.

Each interview is unique in its focus and questions. My goal has been to delve into conversations about how people come to love and care for themselves in a world that tells fat folks, queer folks, POC, and disabled folks our bodies are wrong, unlovable and incapable of being sexy.

I have just past 100 hours of conversations about these things with the folks on my show. Here is the key things I learned;

Photographs, specifically nudes, are critical in learning to love yourself.

This one kind of surprised me. I have written about how home porn helped me change my perception of my body in my book Love Letters To A Unicorn and I was aware a few of the women in my photo essay project reported that seeing photos of themselves when they felt sexy helped them love their bodies. I was taken aback of how many of the people I interviewed mentioned sexy pics as a major part of their self journey to love. From Dirty Lola to Alice in Bondageland Elle Chase to Andrew Gurza, guest after guest mentioned how taking sexy pictures of themselves changed their perspectives about their own body.

In the stories from my guests, there were some key elements about the photos which served to be transformative. These were not necessarily “boudoir” photos. They were photos where the person chose their outfit (or lack thereof) and was feeling empowered and sexy at the time the photo was taken. Some were selfies, some were taken by partners, some were at professional shoots. Regardless of the photographer, the key was that the person in the image was feeling sexy and empowered at the time.

We often imagine how we look in a given moment. To have that moment captured on film can be very personally revealing. We may be feeling sexy but that image in our head isn’t what we see. Our idealized self is confounded with media messaging about what is sexy. This means we are usually thinking “young, White, thin, able bodied” and generally photoshopped. These images get mixed in with our own self image at the moments we feel empowered.

Seeing a photo of ourselves without our internal ideals messing it up – a more unvarnished image if you will- shows us in our moment of power and beauty. To look at yourself- folds, wrinkles, boobs akimbo, missing body part – whatever you really are and that image is sexy can be transformative.

Its an amazingly simple thing… and gut wrenchingly terrifying at the same time. We all have cameras on our phones. We all have moments where we feel strong, empowered, and beautiful. Catching that on film can be difficult. For those of us who this is just a fleeting moment, it may be a hard image to get. But… after 100+ hours of talking to people who have bodies we have been told are wrong, shameful, ugly, and unlovable, it is critical we take steps to learn to love ourselves for who we are.

I’ll be honest, I don’t always love my body. Its not always a happy or safe place for me. But there are times I do feel great in it. Taking nudes has been part of that. So I’ll start…

Here is a photo including my thighs and belly at 300 pounds, a weight I never thought I would possibly get near, that I find sexy:

2015-10-31 01.02.06-1


#bodypositive #nudes #selfies #empowerment #selflove #health #weight #fat #photography #naked #sexy #pictures #women #men #gender #AndrewGurza #DirtyLola #ElleChase #AliceInBondageland