Tag Archives: journaling

30 Days of Kinky Self Discovery

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I’ll be honest. I have been half-ass writing this for a while but have lacked the discipline to really get it done. I was in a D/s discussion group where a number of folx mentioned that they had done similar exercises in the past with varying success.

I figure since many of us have a bit more time at home with conferences going online, play spaces shut down, and travel not happening for many of us, this was finally a time to get off my duff and finish this post.

This post provides 30 days of exercises to help people expand their understanding of themselves and their kinky side. For the most part, the exercises should be done in order, but that is not mandatory. If you are not up for a particular exercise, skip it and find one you want to do.

You do not have to do this 30 days consecutively, but it will help.

You can do this alone. You can buddy up with a friend and do the exercises and chat. You can get a small group together and work through them and talk about it through online forums. Its your choice! We all learn differently, so work at your own pace and in your own way.

Supplies you will need:

Journal (any kind) – this can be any type of notebook. I use my computer to journal because I hate writing long hand. If you prefer to record thoughts with an audio recorder, go for that.

Mirror, preferably full length

Camera (this can be the one on your phone, or any other one you like)

A Note About Journaling: I am a writer and it is a way I naturally process information. This is not the case for everyone! If you do not enjoy writing, find you have a block to it, or just don’t process well through prose, try other journaling styles. You can create lists, try bullet points, or even draw pictures. Whatever method helps get your ideas down on a page for you to return to later will work.

30 Days of Kinky Self-Discovery

Day 1. Journal Entry.

What do I currently like about my kinky side?

What do I feel is missing from my kinky world?

How do I see myself in the kink world? (What side of the slash? Am I a leader in the community? Do I just do this for me?)

Day 2. Journal Entry.

What got me interested in kink/BDSM?

What were my early reactions to the kink scene?

Day 3. Journal Entry.

How do I feel about the following words: Dominant, Submissive, Master, Slave, Pet, Owner, Top, Bottom

(For an idea, see my blog post, “The Flavor of Sir” here)

Day 4. Selfie Day.

Dress up in your favorite kink outfit and take several selfies. Add the best of these pictures to your journal.

Day 5. Journal Entry.

Look at the selfies you took yesterday. Write out a scene where your sexy self gets picked up for a kinky date by a person you would love to play with. Write this entry from the perspective of the sexy person picking you up. What do they notice about you? How do they approach you? How do they make you feel desired?

Note: This might be hard for many of you. Seeing ourselves as an object of desire can be difficult. Take some time to think about what you see in your kinky selfie that would make someone say, “Now I need to meet that sexy person over there!”

Day 6. Journal Entry.

Write down a list of things you need from the kinky world. This might be a play partner (or a dozen play partners); a good munch; affirmation of your identity; regular conferences; references for great toy; friends; a home dungeon and more! Think of your needs broadly. Think about sex, touch, emotional connection, sense of community, emotional support, physical spaces, and other broad needs.

Day 7. Read a kinky author you do not normally read.

We all get stuck in our patterns of reading a few authors. Take some time to seek out a new voice. Here is a list of some sites you may enjoy:

Sugarbutch Chronicles Coffee and Kink Sunny Megatron Gotham Club Poly Role Modles

Redhead Bedhead Hey Epiphora Girl Boner Jiz Lee Eve Adler Spices of Lust Kink Doctor

Day 8. Journal Entry.

What makes you feel loved and cared for?

Day 9. Journal Entry.

What made you choose the kink identity you now express (e.g. submissive, dominant, pet, switch, owner, exploring). How much of your kink identity was dictated by cultural conventions (“Women are submissive. Men are dominant. Switches suck.”) Did you feel you had a choice in choosing your kink identity? Do you feel your current identity still fits how you express your kink?

Day 10. Mirror Exercise.

This exercise will be difficult for many of you. Its okay to stop short if you become too upset. Be gentle with yourself.

You will need a mirror large enough to see most of your body.

Find a space where you can be naked and quiet for 10 minutes. Turn off your phone’s notifications (don’t worry, this is only for 10 minutes). Make sure the television, computer streaming, and music are off. You should be in a quiet space.

Get naked. Set a timer for 10 minutes.

Sit, stand or lay in front of the mirror. Look at yourself. Pay attention to your thoughts as you look at your own naked body.

When the ten minutes are up, write down what your thought about while looking at yourself in a mirror.

Day 11. Journal Entry.

Look at yesterday’s journal entry after watching yourself in the mirror. Identify all the negative and critical comments you wrote about yourself.

Write an apology to yourself for being so judgmental about your body. Tell yourself you are beautiful and sexy even if you do not feel that way looking at yourself.

When you are finished. Read the entry aloud to yourself.

Day 12. Exploration.

One of the great things about the kink community is that there are great ways to learn and explore new types of play and relationship style. Check out a few of these sites to help familiarize yourself with kink resources.

Kink Academy Sub Rosa PDX Wicked Grounds Annex Erotic Awakening Rain DeGray

Spices of Lust Sex Geek

Day 13. Journal Entry.

What is a kink you have not explored but want too? What holds you back? What excites you about it? Are there good resources to learn about this kink? What are they?

Day 14. Journal Entry.

For you personally, what does it mean to engage in power exchange? Is this something you can engage in for a temporary period of time (e.g., during a scene)? It is something that occurs within all relationships, some relationships, only a few relationships? Can you personally engage in kink without power exchange and have it be a satisfying experience?

Day 15. Journal Entry.

The saying goes, “The clothes make the man.” Reflect on your kink practices. Do you have special clothing for kink play and expression? Is there a specific type or piece of clothing which carries a strong kink meaning for you? Write about how clothes change the way you feel during kinky play.

Day 16. Reading.

Sub space and top space are commonly referenced by kinky people. These are altered states of consciousness some people expereince while engaging in various types of play. While these terms may be intuitively understood or you may have experienced them yourself, there is still a lack of deep understanding as to what these mean.

What Everyone Needs to Know About Sub Space” and “The Woo of Kink” explore the physical, chemical, and emotional aspects of sub space. Read these entries. If you desire, reflect on them in your journal.

Day 17. Rope

STOP! Before you decide you are not into rope so you don’t need to read this entry, read this paragraph. Even if you are not into rope, even if you do not think you will ever be tied up or tie someone up, knowing basic rope safety is a big deal for kink. Do this entry!

Rope safety is important for kinky folks for several reasons. First, even if you do not participate in rope scenes, you are likely to see many in play spaces. If you are ever going to be a dungeon monitor you need to know rope safety. It is also useful in case you see something questionable from other players you can alert dungeon monitors to check in with the scene. Second, the knowledge of major nerve areas and how these nerves impact the body is relevant outside of rope. Impact play, any type of bondage, some pet play, needle play and more all require this basic knowledge. Third, rope safety has a lot of basics which apply to any scene.

The Duchy has some great information on safety. The page is short, but packed full of useful tips! Read about Rope Safety here.

Day 18. Journal Entry.

Consent is the underlying value and practice of all kink play. As the old saying goes, the difference between a boxing match and assault is consent.

Regardless of you level of expertise on consent and different forms of consent, we all need to revisit the idea from time to time.

Make a list of things required for you to consider a scene consensual. This may be anything from requiring all parties to disclose STI status and show their latest testing results to agreement on safe words and more.

Once you have finished your list, answer the question, “How do I communicate what I need before a scene is fully consensual to a partner? How do I make sure I fully understand what a partner needs for fully consensual play?

Day 19. Shopping

You have been doing some great work! Let’s take a break from intense stuff for some real fun!

There are many places to get great BDSM gear and toys! Take some time to shop online to find a new toy or gear to fantasize about buying.

If you are stuck for places to look, here are some options:

Wicked Grounds Etsy Stockroom Mr. S Leather Kinkstore

You can always check out my reviews of sex toys for options as well.

Day 20. Journal Entry

Kink and BDSM often tap into deep, psychological needs.

Think about your favorite kink activity. This may be a type of play, sensual stimulation such as a cuddle puddle. service, or other. Once you have decided on the activity, think about the last time you engaged in this type of activity.

Answer the following questions in your journal.

Why is this activity so great?

What emotions do you experience during this activity?

How do you feel afterward?

What happens to you emotionally if you cannot engage in this activity for a long period of time?

What needs are being met by this activity?

Day 21. Journal Entry

Answer the following questions: Are there specific activities which are uniquely dominant or submissive? If so, what are the activities? What makes them unique to dominance or submissions?

If you do not think there are activities which are unique to a side of the slash, then how do you know you are being dominant or submissive? What is the difference between a dominant or submissve doing the same action?

Day 22. Journal Entry

Do you have any responsibly to ensure the kink community is safe and inclusive? If yes. what is that responsibility and how do you make sure do carry it out? If no, is anyone responsible? Is it necessary to have people make sure dangerous players don’t harm others? What is your vision of “community?”

Day 23. Masturbation

Masturbation is an important way to explore our desires. This is a specific type of masturbation which will help you focus on what your current desires might be.

Rules for this session:

  1. No audio or visual distractions. Turn off all screens. No watching porn to get started. No reading erotica. No sexy music. Just you, in some location where you can masturbate.
  2. Warm yourself up first. Many of us (especially those with clits) tend to jump right in with toys to get the job done. That is great most of the time. For this exercise, take a few minutes (or more) to get yourself warmed up manually. This may include things like rubbing your nipples, stroking your own thighs or other touching. This may be imaging a scene you want to be part of. Whatever it is, get yourself aroused prior to bring in the toys.
  3. Once aroused, feel free to bring in toys you like. Pay attention to what parts of yourself you are stimulating. Pay attention to the images in your head.

When you are finished, write down what you notices about yourself. Write about what (if any) fantasies were going on in your brain.

NOTE: If you have physical limitations which make it hard to masturbate or masturbate without specific toys or adaptive tools, please feel free to use these throughout. The point of this exercise is to get you to pay attention to what turns you on without unnecessary stimuli.

Day 24. Journal Entry

In your opinion, are there some things all submissives or all dominants must do? If so, what are they? Why are they important? If not, are there common types of behavior that you would like to see all submissives or all dominants engage in?

Day 25. Journal Entry

Communication is key for kinky people. However, we use a lot of words to describe certain body parts and activities. Some words like “moist” are widely hated. We need to communicate using words our partners are comfortable with.

Write down at last 7 synonyms for each world below. If you get stuck, you can use Urban Dictionary, a regular thesaurus or other references to help expand your vocabulary.

breast vagina penis balls vulva sex kissing oral sex anal sex hitting aroused orgasm

Day 26. Journal Entry

Write a short erotic story that turns you on.

Day 27. Journal Entry

Everyone, any side of the slash, any level of experience, will occasionally need different aftercare than they normally do.

Answer the question: How can you communicate with a partner AFTER a scene you need an adjustment in your aftercare agreement? What is okay to ask for in your opinion? What could you need that you would not be comfortable asking for? What is that block?

Day 28. Fetlife Exercise

Fetlife.com is Facebook for kinky folks (if you are unfamiliar). It has its good parts and bad parts. However, it is a key resource for connecting with kinky people and finding events.

If you have a Fetlife page, review it. Is your biography up-to-date? Are you still happy with the pictures you have posted? Are you part of groups you want to be? If something needs to be changed or updated, do it.

If you are not on Fetlife, set up a basic profile. If you hate Fet for some reason, if you are worried about some future employer seeing you while they browse for a hook-up, then make a profile with minimum information. There is no need to add a picture where you might be identified. There is no need to add identifying information at all! Heck, Antarctica has a huge population of 99 year old kinky people according to a Fet search.

Setting up a short, anonymous profile will allow you to see event information and connect with people if you ever have the desire too.

Day 29. Journal Entry

Answer the following questions:

Can you enjoy kink activities if they do not involve sex?

Can you enjoy sex without kink activities?

How would (has) engaging in kink play without the possibility of sex change your experience?

How does engaging in sex without kink play change that experience?

Day 30. Journal Entry

You have engaged in 30 days (or more) of exploring your kinky self. What (if anything) did you learn about yourself? Has anything changed for you? What is your future goal for your kinky self?

Congratulations! You have completed 30 days of kinky self-exploration!

#kink #bdsm #exploration #journaling #30DaysofKink #exploringkink #submisison #domina


Journaling (when you HATE to write)

Journaling is a common communication technique recommended in the kink community. However, most of us hate to write. I include myself in this group. Until my mid-30s I both hated to write and sucked at it. Seriously, a blank screen or page was torture. Having to come up with 500 words seemed like a daunting task. And I have dyslexia so writing was really painful.

At munches and in reading about kink I would see the suggestion to journal and think, “Yeah, that is great if you like to write. I don’t,” and move on without ever trying it. So why and how did I go from “fuck this” to “yep, I am a professional writer?”

Why Journal?

Journaling is commonly recommended but the real benefits are rarely explained.

Let’s start with what is journaling. It can take several forms. Some people journal in a private journal to have a dialogue with themselves. Many subs journal and their d-types will read it as a way of creating communication between the pair. Some people journal their fantasies as a way of communicating in a way which feels less threatening.

All of these forms have benefits for the practitioner. Writing, even if you are the only one who reads it, helps get stuff out of your head. Like most folks, I will get something stuck in a loop in my brain and stress about it. Whether it is practicing a hard conversation or working out a fantasy or thinking about what someone said to me at a munch, I can spend so much time thinking about something it becomes bigger than it really is. This is common. Just think about the last fight you had with someone in your head while showering.

Writing takes those thoughts out of your head and puts them into black and white. This can be both cathartic and focusing. I live with bipolar disorder and have learned that when I write something down and then reread it the next day the intensity of the emotion had died down and sometimes I can see what the real issue is in a way I couldn’t work out in my head. Same goes with kinky thoughts.

Writing, when it will be read by your d-type can help with communication. For those of us who are highly emotional or who don’t want to displease a d-type or may be afraid to ask something, journaling can be a safer way to approach things. Additionally, for long distance relationships regular writing can help with bonding.

Tips and Tools

But what if you hate to write or find it difficult? Here are a few tips and tools.

  1. Make It Short. Writing, composing full sentences, finding the right words can feel intimidating. Instead of trying to write a narrative, write lists, bullet points or cluster ideas (remember your high school writing class?). These forms don’t require you to write full sentences, contextualize or transition between topics. Jotting down your top five fantasy scenes or your top five fave toys is a quick and easy way to start.
  2. Use Prompts. There are a lot of journaling prompt sites and books for subby types out there. I provide a bunch in my book The Big Workbook for Submissives. Other submissive bloggers provide lists and prompts as well. These short prompts will help you come up with topics to write about if you are stuck.
  3. Don’t Try To Be A Great Writer. Perfection is the enemy of the good. People want to be the next Hemmingway or Atwood. The reality most of us will never be that good. And that is okay. There is no need to strive to be a great writer in journaling. You are striving to get your thoughts onto paper, nothing more. Don’t fret about spelling, knowing the “big words” or making sure your ellipsis are used correctly.
  4. Set Reasonable Goals. You may have a fantasy about journaling 15 minutes nightly. Its a great goal. However, its pretty unrealistic. I don’t write everyday and I have more than 500K words in publication after 10 years. Nobody NEEDS to write every day. If you haven’t written much before start with a goal of two or three times a week. Work up if you like. Stay with a couple times a week if you aren’t feeling it. And give yourself permission to skip a day if you are just too tired or sick or don’t feel like it.
  5. Ask Your D-Type for Help. Its okay to ask your d-type for prompts or to check in with your progress. If you make an agreement to journal twice a week, have an agreement with your D-type about rewards or punishments if you do/don’t do your work. Or arrange to make it part of your protocol where you have to journal the night after a scene or some such thing.
  6. Chart Your Growth. Writing helps us grow and expand. Every three months or so, go back and review your journaling. Are you trying new kinky play? Are you thinking differently about kink? Are you feeling differently about yourself or your relationships? Make notes on how you have changed. This can make periods of drugery and difficulty feel more worth while. It can also help with depression.
  7. End each entry with one thing you are grateful for. I know this might sound silly. But taking a few minutes to reflect on what you are grateful for actually changes your brain. You cannot be depressed or angry at the same time you are grateful. Several psychological studies have shown that if we take a few minutes a day to reflect on what we are grateful for, we can reprogram our brains to look for the good instead of the bad in situations and make us clinically happier. Since you are journaling anyway, make your last lines about something you are grateful for. It has long term effects.