Tag Archives: safer sex

bdsm, connection, consent, intimacy, kink, non-monogamy, Open relationships, rape, sexuality, STI, Swinging, tips

7 Tips for Hosting an Orgy

1 Comment

As more of us get vaccinated and back out there, so many of y’all are posting about having a slutty summer. Yay! I strongly encourage this.

If you want to truly go hard of the “Hot Girl Summer” or whatever you call it, host an orgy/sex night. I have your tips right here.

First, who would do this? Lots of people! While orgies are usually punchlines for comics or relegated to “key party” representation in films, they can be much more than that. With many of us in consensually nonmonogamous/open relationships or just plain single and mingling, hosting an orgy night can be fun, sexy, and even a bonding opportunity for you and your partner(s).

“Done Right” is the Key

Do not throw a regular party and hope people will start having sex. Do not throw an orgy and fail to tell invited guests that is what you are doing. To make a group sex night work, everyone needs to be aware and on-board with the plan. Finally, getting a group of your sluttiest buds together is not enough to make a group sex night happen. Here are seven things to do to help you throw a great group sex party!

I. Get Your Partner(s) on Board

If you and your partner(s) are in an open/nonmonogamous relationship, this does not guarantee they are ready and happy to have a group sex party. You need to make sure everyone understands what is going to happen, discuss rules and boundaries, and enthusiastically consent to the night.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have I explicitly discussed hosting a group sex party with all my partners?
  • Have I discussed what is okay to do with them at the party?
  • Have we discussed what is okay to do with other people at the party?
  • Do we agree to the rules around safer sex, sex acts, and who we end up spending the night with?
  • Am I okay watching my partner(s) have sex or kink play with other people?
  • Am I and all my partners enthusiastic about the party?

This is the type of activity all people you are in a relationship should be enthusiastically consenting too. While some activities (e.g., humiliation play, forced feminization) can be approached willingly and with some reticence and still work out well, group sex is something you need to be enthusiastic about. If a partner seems to have doubts or concerns, this is a clear sign you need to put your plans on hold.

II. Be Honest with All Guests

Do not try and lure/dupe someone into coming to a group sex party. Everyone should be keenly aware of what the intentions of the night are. You also need to be honest about safety issues. Be sure to be honest about:

  • STI tests and what proof of status is required.
  • COVID testing and immunization status and proof required.
  • Consent of party-goers.

Depending on the people you invite and your tolerance for risk, you will need to decide if people must to show proof of recent STI testing, COVID testing, and COVID immunizations. Some groups will be okay if people just say they have these tests/vaccines, some groups will want proof. Make sure everyone coming has the same understanding of what is required to participate.

Additionally, you need to make sure your guests are explicitly consenting to the night. I strongly suggest a verbal confirmation that they want to participate when they accept the invite.

III. Consent is Key

Any time you host a group sex event, you run the risk of someone being assaulted. Make sure your guests understand the rules of consent used by all party-goers. If you are using the stoplight system (green= okay, yellow= slow down, tentative, red= stop) or an alternative system, make sure guests understand what words/actions require they stop hitting on/making out with/having sex with other people. If the party is small enough you can keep an eye out for what is happening, reiterating these rules as people arrive might be enough. If people are using various rooms, there are not monitors, or other ways people can be in private with another person, posting signs with consent rules should be done.

IV. Have a Plan is Consent is Violated

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If someone has their consent violated, whether this be via sexual assault or not respecting a boundary around kink play, have a plan for dealing with it BEFORE it happens.

The plan should include gradations for violations. For example, you should have a plan for how to handle a guest who won’t stop hitting on someone who is not interested. You should have a plan for someone who gets intoxicated and too handsy. You should have a plan for making sure party-goers are okay throughout the night and when to intervene if something looks or feels amiss.

If the worst happens, call an ambulance for health issues or police for legal issues. If someone is in medical distress or has been sexually assaulted, the party should immediately stop. The guest who was assaulted needs to be immediately attended too. This means providing the necessary medical care or calling an ambulance. If they need the police to report a crime, you as the host need to offer to go with them and take care of them as they want you too.

Most of the time these plans will not need to be used. In a decade of hosting parties, I have yet to need to put a consent violation plan into action. However, I have always had one just in case.

V. Have a Safer Sex Supplies

Even if most of your guests won’t be using safer sex supplies, have a bunch around and easy to access. Your supplies should contain:

  • Latex condoms
  • Non-latex condoms (for people with allergies)
  • Latex and non-latex dental dams
  • Nitrile gloves
  • Water-based lube
  • Silicone Lube
  • Plan-B

All of the above items are available at most drug stores, Target and Wal-Mart. Make sure latex items are separate from non-latex and both are labeled. Allergies are real and serious!

VI. Have a Kinky First Aid Kit

If you are having any kinky play, a kinky first aid kit is a great idea. Its a great idea in general! You never know when a guest will need a band-aid, tweezers, or Neosporin. These are great for kink accidents AND kitchen mishaps.

If you don’t have a kinky first aid kit, I offer a list of items which should be included here.

VII. Make Your Home Conducive to Group Sex

It is hard to feel sexy if the environment is not right! Making out in bad lighting or with a lot of distracting noise is difficult or impossible for people. To make your space (house, apartment, hotel room) conducive for group sex, make sure these issues are addressed.

Lighting

Lighting should be good enough to allow people to navigate the space safely. It should be dim enough to encourage coupling. Bright, overhead lighting is not sexy. Try accent lamps to light your space. If these are still too bright, try a lower wattage bulb (40 watts or the equivalent tends to be a good choice). If you can’t change the bulb, non-flammable scarves and material can be draped over the shades to add a filter to the lighting.

Candles can also be great lighting. Make sure they are in stable, hard-to-tip holders and are out of the way. Make sure they are away from drapes, bedspreads, and other material which may catch on fire.

Sounds

A television is very distracting in many cases. Even if you have a great porn video on, a television may be distracting to folks. If you want to play a porn video, make sure there are also spaces where the video won’t bother people. If you are in a single hotel room, muting the sound while the video plays is also an option.

Music at an appropriate volume is a great idea. Make sure your guests can hear each other without having to yell over the music. If you have guests who are hard of hearing, make sure the music is at a level to accommodate their needs.

If you opt for a music streaming service PAY FOR THE COMMERCIAL FREE OPTION! One of the biggest boner killers is having a commercial for a drug come on during your make-out session!

Food and Drink

You will want to have some refreshments for guests. Water is a must. Plain, non-flavored water. People get dehydrated with sex and kink play. Make sure you have water for them!

If you opt to provide alcohol, you are adding an element which can increase the chance of consent violation or dangerous play. Invite people who don’t get so drunk they can’t perform or don’t want to reason with you. If a guest seems to be too inebriated to play safely, offer a place for them to sober up or call a car to take them home. Safety and consent take precedence over someone’s drunken good time.

Have a variety of food options. People get hungry after sex. This is why the “make me a sandwich” jokes hit. Because so many people have food sensitivities, you should have a couple of options. Make sure there is one gluten-free, vegan option. This means most of your guests will be able to eat at least one dish. Bitchin’ Sauce dips with gluten free crackers are a great option here!

Make both your food and water easy to access. If you are planning on playing, you really don’t want to be interrupted to answer the question, “Where would I find water?”

Bottom Line

Group sex parties can be a ton of fun! People chat, connect, and then have a great kinky sex night. If all goes well, people will talk about it fondly for years. Making sure you have the things in place to make the night safe, sane, and consensual for everyone is key!

Stay kinky!

#orgy #groupsex #kink #bdsm #STI #COVID #safersex #condoms #gloves #saftersexitems #firstaidkit #boundaries #sexualassault #rape #communication #tipsandtools

fisting, intimacy, kink, list, Perbvertables, sex toys, STI, toys

What Do Kinky Girls Keep in Their Bedside Table?

8 Comments

We all know that drawer- the on in the bedside table which houses all the most used, go-to devices and more! I keep all my most essential and frequently used items close at hand. What are they and what might you want to add?

Kinky Girl Must-Haves

Nail File: I am nothing if not practical. I regularly file my nails. If I notice a jagged edge, a quick file and I’m good to go. No worries about scratching my partner in a not-so-nice way during those intimate moments.

Lip Balm: Lip balm is critical for keeping the lips soft and supple. My go-to is EOS.

Personal Lubricant Selection: You can never have enough lube! I keep both Uberlube’s waterbased lubricant for vaginal sex and any time I use a condom. I keep Swiss Navy’s silicone-based lube for anal play.

Safer Sex Items: I keep a selection of condoms quickly available if I have someone other than my primary partner over for sex. I generally have Magnum’s and Kimono Microthin Condoms around. Remember to cover your toys when you share them for extra protection!

I also keep nitrile gloves around. These are useful for safer sex, anal play if you are worried about hangnails or open wounds (I garden a lot, so these things are issues), and to make fisting easier.

LoveHoney Deluxe Vibrating Wand This is my favorite vibrating wand I own (and I own 12).

Clit Vibrator There are times when I need added attention to my clit, so I keep a clit vibrator charged and ready to go. It is also my go-to toy for masturbation.

Butt Plug I love anal play! Most times anal play is planned well in advance and I select the different plugs I want for the type of night I plan to have. However, a smaller plug in the drawer offers a quick way to get things going when I want a little bum stimulation in the middle of spontaneous sex. My go-to is the nJoy medium steel butt plug.

Clothes Pins I have long been a fan of clothespins for a variety of kinky play! I keep a bunch of the old fashion wood ones in my drawer.

Nipple Clamps My weighted tweezer nipple clamps are my long-running favorite for nipple play.

Phone Charger Back-up I routinely have issues of cords breaking, shorting or other issues, so I keep a back-up cord in my side drawer.

#sextoys #vibrators #wands #lovehoney #safersex #condoms #nippleclamps #spontaneoussex #safersexsupplies #condoms #nitrilegloves #pervertibles #buttplug #nJoy #nJoyplug #MagnumCondoms #Kimonocondoms #uberlube #swissnavy #siliconelube #personallubricant #waterbasedlube

bdsm, consent, culture, intimacy, kink, sex positive

Sexier Sex? Plan for it!

3 Comments

I can remember the first time I read Macho Sluts by Pat Califia. While all the sex was really hot, a few of the stories stood out because the characters planned scenes. This was not the sex I saw anywhere else in the world.

Like most folks, the sex I saw was the sex on movies and televisions. It was always unplanned. Great sex was supposed to be spontaneous. Characters never talked about desires or needs. There was never any planning. There was rarely any birth control!

Some of the sex in Macho Sluts was just the opposite of everything else I saw. Characters planned scenes. One story even involved a character consulting with a dungeon mistress and planning an elaborate scene for a partner which involved multiple people. The planned sex scenes were the hottest and most elaborate.

I walked away from the first reading of this book both well-satisfied and loving the idea that you could plan for sex.

Planning sex is actually a relatively radical act in western culture. People who plan for sex- even if it is as simple as making sure there are condoms, lube, or other safer sex items- are often portrayed as “sluts” or “whores” or “perverts.” Planning for sex, even if it is to make it safer for everyone involved, is rarely portrayed as a healthy part of sexuality.

Get Comforatable With Planning Sex

The first obstacle to planning for sex is to get over the idea that you are somehow “gross” or overly sexual. If you weren’t lucky enough to grow up in a sex positive environment or as part of the kink community, how do you get comfortable planning for sex?

Look at sex like making dinner for your date. If you had someone over for dinner you would probably make a menu, go to the grocery store to shop, prep some food, set the table, and have something cooking by the time the date got there, right? If we portrayed the best dinners as your date shows up and you look in the fridge and then do your version of Chopped it would seem ridiculous, right? Serving a mustard and tuna sandwich with a side of coconut water would not be seen as the “ultimate feast” but rather the results of not planning anything. Not planning for sex leaves you with the mustard and tuna sandwich of sex.

Tips for Planning Sex

Planning for sex can be simple or elaborate, depending on what you are trying to do! There are a few things to take into consideration when you plan for sex.

Safety First!

I always start with what I need to be safe! This includes barrier protections (condoms, dental dams, gloves), appropriate lubricants (consider allergies, types of play, toys), and safety gear for BDSM play (safety scissors, a first aid kit). Having all of these easily available during your encounter will make things go smoothly!

Planning the Scene

Depending on the type of play you are interested in your prep will vary widely. Some general steps for sex prep include making sure your sheets are clean (if planning to use the bedroom) or that you have a blanket or something to lay on in other rooms. Depending on what furniture you are playing on, plastic sheets may be appropriate.

Other preparation means thinking through what you and your date(s) want to do. Do you need various sex toys? If so, are they clean? Do you need to sanitize your dildoes and butt plugs? Do you need to clean your whips and floggers? If so, get scrubbing!

If you are planning suspension scenes, do you have hard points to secure your bottom? Are you using portable equipment? Have you tested it to make sure all the bolts are tight? Are your ropes clean and untangled?

The more elaborate the scene, the more planning and prep will be involved. If you are playing at home, you have more time and flexibility in preparation. If you are playing at a dungeon they will most likely have the equipment set up and ready to go. However, if you need special equipment or are unsure what they have available, it is worth a call or email to the dungeon master to make sure what you need will be available.

Consent

It is always important to double check consent before doing a BDSM scene. Your date(s) may have previously agreed to the scene, but you should still check in on the day of the scene. This can be as simple as asking, “Do you still want to do this?” before you begin.

Even if your sex is relatively vanilla, if there is any question about consent, you should ask for clarification. You can make consent sexy by asking something like, “Would you like me to kiss your belly, thighs and then go down on you until you quiver and call my name?” Find a way to make it fun!

Romancing It

Planning for sex is actually romantic. It is a way of signaling to your partner(s) that you have spent time thinking about them in a sexy way and planning to make them happy. Planning for safety signals you care about the health and safety of your partner. Even if the sex is simply a one night stand, having things planned out says you care a bit about the person.

Don’t get me wrong, spontaneous sex can be fun. However, taking the time to plan a scene will almost always improve sex. The time you spend thinking through what you want to do and what you need to do it allows for more elaborate sex (if you want it too) and helps make sure you have what you need for a safe and sexy time!

#sex #sextips #romance #relationships #kink #bdsm #scenes #safersex #ropeplay #safesex