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bdsm, connection, consent, intimacy, kink, non-monogamy, Open relationships, rape, sexuality, STI, Swinging, tips

7 Tips for Hosting an Orgy

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As more of us get vaccinated and back out there, so many of y’all are posting about having a slutty summer. Yay! I strongly encourage this.

If you want to truly go hard of the “Hot Girl Summer” or whatever you call it, host an orgy/sex night. I have your tips right here.

First, who would do this? Lots of people! While orgies are usually punchlines for comics or relegated to “key party” representation in films, they can be much more than that. With many of us in consensually nonmonogamous/open relationships or just plain single and mingling, hosting an orgy night can be fun, sexy, and even a bonding opportunity for you and your partner(s).

“Done Right” is the Key

Do not throw a regular party and hope people will start having sex. Do not throw an orgy and fail to tell invited guests that is what you are doing. To make a group sex night work, everyone needs to be aware and on-board with the plan. Finally, getting a group of your sluttiest buds together is not enough to make a group sex night happen. Here are seven things to do to help you throw a great group sex party!

I. Get Your Partner(s) on Board

If you and your partner(s) are in an open/nonmonogamous relationship, this does not guarantee they are ready and happy to have a group sex party. You need to make sure everyone understands what is going to happen, discuss rules and boundaries, and enthusiastically consent to the night.

Ask yourself the following questions:

  • Have I explicitly discussed hosting a group sex party with all my partners?
  • Have I discussed what is okay to do with them at the party?
  • Have we discussed what is okay to do with other people at the party?
  • Do we agree to the rules around safer sex, sex acts, and who we end up spending the night with?
  • Am I okay watching my partner(s) have sex or kink play with other people?
  • Am I and all my partners enthusiastic about the party?

This is the type of activity all people you are in a relationship should be enthusiastically consenting too. While some activities (e.g., humiliation play, forced feminization) can be approached willingly and with some reticence and still work out well, group sex is something you need to be enthusiastic about. If a partner seems to have doubts or concerns, this is a clear sign you need to put your plans on hold.

II. Be Honest with All Guests

Do not try and lure/dupe someone into coming to a group sex party. Everyone should be keenly aware of what the intentions of the night are. You also need to be honest about safety issues. Be sure to be honest about:

  • STI tests and what proof of status is required.
  • COVID testing and immunization status and proof required.
  • Consent of party-goers.

Depending on the people you invite and your tolerance for risk, you will need to decide if people must to show proof of recent STI testing, COVID testing, and COVID immunizations. Some groups will be okay if people just say they have these tests/vaccines, some groups will want proof. Make sure everyone coming has the same understanding of what is required to participate.

Additionally, you need to make sure your guests are explicitly consenting to the night. I strongly suggest a verbal confirmation that they want to participate when they accept the invite.

III. Consent is Key

Any time you host a group sex event, you run the risk of someone being assaulted. Make sure your guests understand the rules of consent used by all party-goers. If you are using the stoplight system (green= okay, yellow= slow down, tentative, red= stop) or an alternative system, make sure guests understand what words/actions require they stop hitting on/making out with/having sex with other people. If the party is small enough you can keep an eye out for what is happening, reiterating these rules as people arrive might be enough. If people are using various rooms, there are not monitors, or other ways people can be in private with another person, posting signs with consent rules should be done.

IV. Have a Plan is Consent is Violated

Hope for the best but plan for the worst. If someone has their consent violated, whether this be via sexual assault or not respecting a boundary around kink play, have a plan for dealing with it BEFORE it happens.

The plan should include gradations for violations. For example, you should have a plan for how to handle a guest who won’t stop hitting on someone who is not interested. You should have a plan for someone who gets intoxicated and too handsy. You should have a plan for making sure party-goers are okay throughout the night and when to intervene if something looks or feels amiss.

If the worst happens, call an ambulance for health issues or police for legal issues. If someone is in medical distress or has been sexually assaulted, the party should immediately stop. The guest who was assaulted needs to be immediately attended too. This means providing the necessary medical care or calling an ambulance. If they need the police to report a crime, you as the host need to offer to go with them and take care of them as they want you too.

Most of the time these plans will not need to be used. In a decade of hosting parties, I have yet to need to put a consent violation plan into action. However, I have always had one just in case.

V. Have a Safer Sex Supplies

Even if most of your guests won’t be using safer sex supplies, have a bunch around and easy to access. Your supplies should contain:

  • Latex condoms
  • Non-latex condoms (for people with allergies)
  • Latex and non-latex dental dams
  • Nitrile gloves
  • Water-based lube
  • Silicone Lube
  • Plan-B

All of the above items are available at most drug stores, Target and Wal-Mart. Make sure latex items are separate from non-latex and both are labeled. Allergies are real and serious!

VI. Have a Kinky First Aid Kit

If you are having any kinky play, a kinky first aid kit is a great idea. Its a great idea in general! You never know when a guest will need a band-aid, tweezers, or Neosporin. These are great for kink accidents AND kitchen mishaps.

If you don’t have a kinky first aid kit, I offer a list of items which should be included here.

VII. Make Your Home Conducive to Group Sex

It is hard to feel sexy if the environment is not right! Making out in bad lighting or with a lot of distracting noise is difficult or impossible for people. To make your space (house, apartment, hotel room) conducive for group sex, make sure these issues are addressed.

Lighting

Lighting should be good enough to allow people to navigate the space safely. It should be dim enough to encourage coupling. Bright, overhead lighting is not sexy. Try accent lamps to light your space. If these are still too bright, try a lower wattage bulb (40 watts or the equivalent tends to be a good choice). If you can’t change the bulb, non-flammable scarves and material can be draped over the shades to add a filter to the lighting.

Candles can also be great lighting. Make sure they are in stable, hard-to-tip holders and are out of the way. Make sure they are away from drapes, bedspreads, and other material which may catch on fire.

Sounds

A television is very distracting in many cases. Even if you have a great porn video on, a television may be distracting to folks. If you want to play a porn video, make sure there are also spaces where the video won’t bother people. If you are in a single hotel room, muting the sound while the video plays is also an option.

Music at an appropriate volume is a great idea. Make sure your guests can hear each other without having to yell over the music. If you have guests who are hard of hearing, make sure the music is at a level to accommodate their needs.

If you opt for a music streaming service PAY FOR THE COMMERCIAL FREE OPTION! One of the biggest boner killers is having a commercial for a drug come on during your make-out session!

Food and Drink

You will want to have some refreshments for guests. Water is a must. Plain, non-flavored water. People get dehydrated with sex and kink play. Make sure you have water for them!

If you opt to provide alcohol, you are adding an element which can increase the chance of consent violation or dangerous play. Invite people who don’t get so drunk they can’t perform or don’t want to reason with you. If a guest seems to be too inebriated to play safely, offer a place for them to sober up or call a car to take them home. Safety and consent take precedence over someone’s drunken good time.

Have a variety of food options. People get hungry after sex. This is why the “make me a sandwich” jokes hit. Because so many people have food sensitivities, you should have a couple of options. Make sure there is one gluten-free, vegan option. This means most of your guests will be able to eat at least one dish. Bitchin’ Sauce dips with gluten free crackers are a great option here!

Make both your food and water easy to access. If you are planning on playing, you really don’t want to be interrupted to answer the question, “Where would I find water?”

Bottom Line

Group sex parties can be a ton of fun! People chat, connect, and then have a great kinky sex night. If all goes well, people will talk about it fondly for years. Making sure you have the things in place to make the night safe, sane, and consensual for everyone is key!

Stay kinky!

#orgy #groupsex #kink #bdsm #STI #COVID #safersex #condoms #gloves #saftersexitems #firstaidkit #boundaries #sexualassault #rape #communication #tipsandtools

bdsm, connection, dating, humiliation, kink, Perbvertables, relatinships, sexuality, tips

10 New Role Play Ideas!

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If you are into role playing, most likely you are familiar with the classics: student/teacher, parent/child, landowner/servant, maid/Mistress. These are classics for a reason. They all involve power differentials, they have fun costumes, and you can do a lot of different versions of each one.

Here are ten new role play ideas. Take them as jumping off points and have fun!

1. Harry Potter Finds His Magic Wand

If you have read the Harry Potter books or scene the movies, you are familiar with the scene where he goes to the wand shop and tries out several wands before finding just the right one. For this role play, choose either a type of toy (canes, floggers, etc.) or a class of toy (impact, dildoes, etc.). One person is the student and the other is the expert helping them find just the right toy to make them magic!

2. Zombie Apocalypse!

Most of us are familiar with some version of the zombie apocalypse be it the Walking Dead, Zombieland, or Night of the Living Dead. For this fantasy, one person is the zombie with the commiserate rules for your zombie (some are fast, some are slow, some are afraid of fire, etc). The non-zombie has to avoid being captured and made to do the zombie’s will (this can be whatever play or sex you have in mind).

3. Idol/fan

We are increasingly obsessed with celebrity culture in the West. For this role play, one person is the idol (rock star, movie star, drag queen, etc) and the other is the idol.

4. LARP Characters Gone Wild!

Anyone into role playing games will probably find an appeal in role playing sex. Don your D&D, Magic, Second life or other character and have your partner don theirs (or create one if they are not into role playing games) and go at it as your characters! Making a chart of various play activities and incorporating die is optional (but fun!)

Here is a butt plug with the 20-sided die in the base.

5. Public Scandal

We have all seen a variety of public scandals play out over the years. For this role play, one of you is the person involved in the scandal, the other is their public relations manager. Outline the details of the scandal to start. The PR agent then must direct the person in the scandal on how they will rehabilitate their reputation.

6. Master Chef/TV Competitor

Cooking competitions have become mass hits in the past decade. From Hell’s Kitchen, to The Great British Baking Show, to Chopped people love to watch chefs yell at people and make them work for approval. Choose your favorite chef (or create your own personality) and one of you is the master chef, the other a competitor on a show looking to win approval. Since professional kitchens already run on a hierarchy and the appropriate answers are generally, “Yes, Chef,” and “No, Chef,” this type of role play is well suited to power exchange relationships and kitchen pervertibles!

7. Washed Up Star Drops a Sex Tape

We’ve all seen this too many times. A fading star is trying to generate some hype so they make a sex tape that gets, “leaked” and all of the sudden they are trending in the papers and on social media again! You can choose to play the star and their consort(s) making the sex tape or the director and the star setting up the sex tape. Incorporating your own filming for personal fun can be really hot too!

8. Religious Patriarch Hoisted on Own Petard

Anymore, when we see the head of a major religious organization in the United States, many of us are waiting for their inevitable fall. If they preach gays are the cause of hurricanes, we are all pretty sure there is some pool boy on his payroll for something more than pool cleaning. If they preach monogamy and abstinence before marriage, we are all pretty sure there is a slew of consorts lurking in the shadows with them. You can either play the preacher getting caught at an orgy or being cuckolded by his wife or you can play the fallen icon repenting and making it up to the wronged spouse. The latter version lends itself to humiliation and degradation play especially well.

9. Helicopter Parent Gone Bad

A helicopter parent is a parent who is overly involved in their child’s life. They are recognized by being at every school event, being overly involved in a child’s choices, and annoying teachers and coaches to no end. For this role play, one person is the helicopter parent and the other is a teacher/coach/director/tutor that the parent tries to convince to give their child special treatment.

10. Comic Book Heroes Unite!

Chose your favorite comic book heroes. Have them battle each other for supremacy! They can romance one another to join their team! They can teach each other new skills! The possibilities are endless. Wonder Woman and her lasso show Spiderman new ways to use rope and Spidey shows her good self suspension! Batman and Superman finally reconcile their homoerotic affair with some hot sex on capes! Shouting “Bam!” and “Pow!” is encouraged.

#roleplay #kink #bdsm #sextips #sexideas #roleplayideas #spicingitup #relationships

bdsm, connection, consent, dating, fantasies, intimacy, kink, marriage, relatinships, sexuality, tips

Need a Little Sexy Inspiration? Try This!

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One think a lot of people new to kink and BDSM find surprising is that even with the most experienced kinky folks, we can get a bit bored with our sexy routines. Just like people who are more vanilla, sometimes kinky folks need to shake up the routine to make sex something exciting and fun!

If your “regular” sex involves whips, chains, candle wax and piss play, where do you go from there? Good news everyone! You don’t have to “take your kink to the next level” and start throwing knives and lighting people on fire (although, I am a big fan of fire and knives). You simply need to find something which inspires YOU.

Fun sex, inspiring sex, good sex, all have one thing in common. It is something that is unique and important to YOU. This is why so many sex game kits and “how-to” books leave people feeling uninspired. These items are general and often meant to be broad in order to serve the greatest number of uses. The trick is to make them personal.

Where Do I Start?

Ah… the tyranny of the blank page, as writers refer to it. If you are looking for inspiration for you and your partner(s), start with what you (and they) enjoy. This does not have to be anything sexual for it to work.

Do you have favorite movies? Books? Podcasts? Artworks? Activities? Sayings? Board games? Really anything will work here. Find something you really enjoy. Jot that down.

In fact, get yourself a notebook. This can be an actual physical notebook or a note app on your phone or computer. Whenever you come across something which sparks an idea, write it down. The ideas will dissipate as you go through your day. Make a quick note and come back to it when you have time.

Built-In Idea Generators

There are two major idea generators which work for many people when it comes to sexy time play: Fetlife “loves” and Pintrest boards. If you have a Fetlife account, you can “love” writings, pictures, and videos. Go back through your “loves” and see if stuff pops out for you. Pintrest can be used the same way. Make a pintrest board for images you enjoy and find exciting. These will reveal what you have been thinking about.

Fantasies

You can go right to the source of your erotic imagination- your fantasies. Whether you write, have sexy images or scenarios go through your mind when you masturbate, or you daydream, your fantasies are clearly things you find stimulating. Take some time to notice what elements are included in these fantasies.

Please remember that fantasy does not always play out the same way in reality. Something can be really hot in writing or on film or in your brain and totally not sexy when it actually happens. However, your fantasies are always a great place to start!

Now What?

Once you have your inspiration, sort out what are the major aspects which make it sexy or thrilling.

Are there specific acts which you want to engage in?

Is there specific stimuli (visual, audio, taste, smell, etc.) which makes this fantasy so great?

Is there a dynamic in your inspiration which you want to achieve?

Take some time and really think through these questions. The answers will give you direction on what to introduce to your sex life to make it a bit more exciting or thrilling.

Does it have to be extreme?

Absolutely not! There is a possibility you love engaging in heavy pain play. Whipping and caning may be a staple of your sex life. If you find yourself fantasizing about more gentle touching or a different type of bonding, this is probably what you are craving.

Ask yourself, am I looking for more sensation play? Do I need my partner(s) or me to talk more in a scene? Am I craving a quiet scene? Do I just want something different?

If you are looking to explore a type of play you have not engaged in before, you and your partner(s) may need to take classes, watch some instructional videos, and practice techniques prior to actually doing a scene.

If you are introducing new elements (toys, dynamics, foods, etc.) remember to negotiate around consent! You don’t want to introduce a new element you forgot to discuss, hit a trigger, and wreck the scene! Also, if you are introducing foods, plants, or scents, you may need to check with people about allergies.

Bottom Line

The best sex is personalized to the tastes of the people involved. In long term relationships, having inside jokes and showing you understand your partner’s(s) tastes and needs can be super sexy in and of itself.

Tastes and needs change as we age, as our bodies change, and as we mature. Just because the sex isn’t “bad” doesn’t mean you don’t need to shake it up a bit. The anticipation and excitement of trying something new by itself can break up the routine and bring a little passion back to your life!

Further Reading Suggestions

Specifically trying to get a new partner to try something kinky? Swingtown blog offers some great tips here!

#BDSM #Kink #sexlife #rut #tipsandtools #relationshiptips #fetlife #Pintrest #sexgames #creativesex #spicingupthebedroom

bdsm, connection, dating, intimacy, kink, Language, sexuality, texting, tips

7 Tips to Improve Your Sexy Banter

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Want to stimulate the biggest sex organ for anyone? You need to get their brain aroused! While many of us rely on visual stimuli to turn on our partners, learning to talk sexy to them can up our foreplay game, improve communication, and ultimately result in better sex.

For so many of us, dirty talk does not come naturally. It can feel forced, awkward, or just off-putting when we first try and let sexy things cross our lips. In general, sexy talk takes practice, an understanding of what is sexy to us and our partners, and the right vocabulary. Here are seven tips to accessing your inner sex chat line persona and turning on your partners.

1. Start Slow

If you are new to sexy talk, start slowly. Send a text or two. Try using just one or two prepared lines while you kiss your partner. Maybe just try being a bit vocal during sex. If you are normally quiet, try a few “oohs” and “yums,” before you launch into full sentences or an hour of sex chat. It can take a while to build your sexy talk muscles so it is okay to start very slowly and just see how it feels.

2. Customize Your Dirty Talk

Not every one will be turned on by the same things. Just like physical sex acts, everyone has preferences and specific things which are turn-ons and turn-offs. Spend some time figuring out what type of dirty talk will help your partner get aroused.

Is your partner one for direct communication and who enjoys powerful verbs? Use that type of communication in sexy talk. “Ooooh, give me that powerful dick!” or “Eat my ass” will turn them on.

Is your partner more drawn to flowery language, metaphors and similes? Try an poetic approach. “I want to inhale the scent of your secret garden,” or “Your nipples remind me of Turkish delight. I want to taste their sweetness on my tongue.”

Does your partner enjoy a bit of comedy and falls in the “geek/nerd” spectrum? Try incorporating some pop culture or comic book references. “I need your X Wing fighter into my exhaust port. I want to feel you go deep until I explode!”

What works with one person will not work for every person. The more dialed in you are to what turns on your partners, the better your sexy talk will be perceived.

3. Practice Talking Dirty

If you are not comfortable with dirty talk, practice. When you are driving alone or in your shower, practice saying things you might feel a bit awkward saying to a partner. Saying phrases and words aloud to yourself first and repeating as necessary can help you become more comfortable with them in the moment.

4. Improve Your Vocabulary

I write erotica. “Moist” has to be the most divisive word in the genre. Some folks love to use it, others abhor the word. In fact, when Oxford English Dictionary tried to quantify the most hated words in English, “moist” quickly shot to number one in America, England, and Canada! So, what is a girl to do when it comes to dirty talk? Build your vocabulary. Here are some popular sites for finding new words for body parts, sex acts, and more!

5. Read Sexy Stuff

We all need inspiration. Reading erotica, weather it is books, blog entries, fan fiction, or magazines, reading erotic content helps us get a sense of how language can be used to be sexy. Your favorite erotic authors will help you understand how language is used when it comes to the type of sex of your fantasies. This language will help you build your understanding of how to use sexy talk in real life.

Reading can also help you avoid very awkward sexy talk. For amusing and horrifyingly bad examples of men trying to write sexy, check out this post! If you don’t think these are the real way men think, please keep in mind a man, trying to sound sexy, once said to me he, “Wanted to fuck every hole. He couldn’t wait to fuck my right nostril.”

Um… what????

6. Timing is Critical!

Like telling jokes, using sexy talk is heavily dependent on timing. Injecting it at the wrong time can kill a move or seem off-putting. Used at the right time, sexy talk can amplify what is going on physically and emotionally.

One way to use sexy talk is as part of extended foreplay. If you are planning on having sex when you see your partner in the evening, start sending a few sexy text during the day. Keep in mind what they might be doing and gear the sexts to their current world. For example, if your partner is seeing a doctor for a check-up, sexting them right before they go back to be weighed and prodded may not feel great. However, if they are commuting home on public transit, hitting them up with a, “I can’t wait to see you tonight and slowly remove your boxer shorts with my teeth,” can give a nice sexy twinge to help them get in the mood.

If you use a more comedic approach to sexy talk (something I am personally prone too), doing it as your partner is edging close to climax can send the moment off the rails. I have accidentally interjected a sexy comic book reference which made him laugh hard enough to lose an erection- not my intended impact.

7. Be Genuine

Many people find incorporating a compliment with sexy talk to be very effective. Something like, “Ooooh! I love the way your dick fills me up!” or, “Your pussy smells so good!” can be both sexy and a compliment. It is important that you are genuine when you give a compliment or comment on your partner’s body.

Many of us are very sensitive about our bodies, especially when it comes to intimacy and sex. This means we tend to be on high alert for bullshit when people mention our bodies in relationship to our physical self. If a compliment isn’t genuine, many of us will immediately pick up on it and the compliment will fall flat or offend the person.

For example, I have arthritis in my hands. My hand job game is not the best part of my sexy repertoire. Its closer to rolling a log out of play-doh than anything sexy. If my partner tried to complement me on my hand job as I am squishing his bits, it would not come off as sexy but inauthentic. This would detract from our sexy time. When you go to compliment a partner with sexy talk, be sure you mean it.

#kink #bdsm #sexytalk #dirtytalk #sexting #chatting #sextips #relationshiptips #sex #intimacy

connection, dating, fantasies, intimacy, kink, marriage, masturbation, Porn, relatinships, sexuality, tips

Sex Life in a Rut? Break Out of It With These 5 Tips

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One of my favorite scenes from a movie is the therapy scene in the beginning of The Ref. Judy Davis and Kevin Spacey are in couples therapy and BD Wong is the therapist. At one point, Judy Davis’ is asked about their sex life. She replies:

A couple of kisses. A couple of nipple twists. It would all be over in the time it takes to make a cappuccino. I know because I timed it once.

~ The Ref

I love it because that rings true for anyone who has gotten into a sex rut. Sex ruts happen to all of us! It doesn’t matter what kinks we are into, how often we are having sex, and how wild we can be. Everyone gets into sex ruts.

What is a Sex Rut?

When I talk about a rut, I mean your sex life have become predictable and mundane. It may be defaulting to morning sex in the same position twice a week or the same bondage and impact routine twice a month. Whatever your go-to sex is, you start repeating it without much thought. It’s not that the sex gets bad. It can be good sex. It is more that it is predictable and a bit boring.

Why Do People Get Stuck in a Rut?

There are lots of reasons people get stuck in sex ruts. It takes time and energy to plan out new and different approaches to sexy time. We all reach points in our lives where we have very little extra energy to learn about new sexaul play or plan eleborate scenes. Everything from stressful times at work, to never getting a break from the kids because they are being home-schooled, to being physically exhausted can limit the energy we have to plan for sex.

Sometimes we get into a rut because we stop prioritizing sex. When we get into a long-term relationships we tend to settle into a routine, including a routine sex life. Unlike the early parts of a relationship, years into an established relationship we stop putting in the same energy and priority to our sex lives. We get tired of making waxing appointments, practicing our yoga for rope positions, and buying sexy outfits. We can let our sex lives go on autopilot like we do our dinner choices and our date nights.

Ruts can also establish themselves because we have found a series of sexual behaviors which consistently work to get us what we need. We learn our partner’s erotic rubic cube of touches and activities that will result in a satisfying orgasm so we keep going back to the tried and true.

To repeat, sex in a rut isn’t necessarily bad sex. Its just predictable and not very exciting sex.

5 Tips to Break Your Sexual Rut

  1. Prioritize Sex. Treat your sex life like you did at the beginning of the relationship. Remember being excited for a date with your partner? You would groom for sex. You would change the sheets, set out candles, perfume yourself, and pick out the right pair of panties (or leave them in the dresser). While dinner, a movie or theater, and other aspects of the date were important, sex was a key thing you looked forward too. Go back to that! Start making sex a priority of couples time again. Prepare for it. Plan for it. Get excited about it again!
  2. Put it on the Calendar. I know, the thought of putting sex on your Google Calendar is not sexy. The first time I suggested this to my current partner he balked at the concept. “Sex from 6 to 8 PM on Thursday, repeat weekly for 30 weeks” as a calendar entry feels weird. HOWEVER, putting it on the calendar can get you to treat sex like you would other meetings. You will realize you may need to prepare for it! You may not need to do a PowerPoint presentation (you may, I don’t know what you are into), but you may need to get a babysitter. Or, you may need to get a waxing appointment, or buy new underwear, or change the sheets. It will help prioritize sex and carve out time for you and a partner.
  3. Commit to Trying Something New. The great thing about sex is that there are literally millions of things to try! Make a commitment to try something new with your partner. Take a class together on a specific kink. Shop and buy a new sex toy together. Learn to tie a few knots and give a bit of bondage a go. Whatever your interests are, commit to trying something new.
  4. Masturbate. Many of us who are coupled let our own masturbation practices go by the wayside. Or, like our sex life, our mastubation gets into a rut. Reinvest in your own self pleasure. Work on developing new fantasies or finding new porn to watch or read. Try new masturbation techniques. Pay attention to what is really working to turn you on and then communicate that to your partner.
  5. Talk to Your Partner About the Rut. Bring up your concerns about being in a rut to your partner. Let them know that while the sex may still be really fun and effective, you are ready to try something new and break up a rut. They may or may not have noticed the rut themselves. Talk to them about how they see your sex life. It may be as simple of letting your partner know you feel the sex has become routine to get them to switch it up. It may open a conversation about what new things you want to try together. They may give you some really fun ideas about what to do to shake things up.

Good luck shaking it up! Stay Kinky!

#kink #bdsm #sextips #boringsex #longtermrelationships #newsexideas #sexrut #rut #sex

LGBT, sex positive, sex toys, toys

5 Best Sex Toys to Rock Your Queer World

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Guest Post by Peter Minkoff

Peter Minkoff is a writer for High Style Life in Australia (and has great advice, IMHO– Auntie Vice)

If nothing else, staying at home and distancing from other people can do wonders for our sex life. You don’t believe it? Well, you should get yourself some new sex toys and go with the flow. All kidding aside, you haven’t experimented with sex toys or sex in general yet, then this is definitely the time to do it. Plenty of people dislike the idea of buying sex toys, mostly because of embarrassment, which is why this specific period of time is great – you can order anything online. Are you convinced now? Good. Now, what sex toys should you buy for yourself? Which ones should you keep your mind open for? We list you five amazing sex toys that will make your queer sexual pleasure the best yet, but also do not fear to experiment a little. Who knows what good can come out of a little experimenting (wink).

Dildo with a suction cup

So, all of you penetration lovers, if you’re up for playing with something firm no matter where you are, then you should definitely keep your eyes open for dildos with a suction cup. These kill more birds with one stone, as not only are you able to play with them in your bedroom or living room (or any other place that you wish), but you can also stick them to the wall and live your fantasy to the fullest. Hint: Sticking them on your bathroom wall will provide you with an amazing shower experience!

A vibrating butt plug

Magenta background with images of a pink vibrator, a black butt plug, pink anal beads, and a black inflatable butt plug
Godfather Sex Toys

How do you feel about something really quirky? Like a vibrating butt plug, for example? Now,plenty of people own regular but plugs, but thinking outside of the box and getting yourself a vibrating but plug makes up for an even better experience. There are plenty of butt plugs on the market, so it’s very important to know a thing or two about Godfather sex toys you’re buying. As far as the vibrating butt plugs are concerned, which has 12 vibrating settings or more so that you can play all day if you want and so that you’re never bored. All of them are rechargeable and the good thing is that both amateurs and anal pros can use them.

An inflatable anal plug

If you think you’re a level up and want something more interesting then the ordinary or even vibrating anal plugs, then you should definitely try out the inflatable anal plug that’s going to make you crazy. What is amazing here is that you get to feel the anal plug getting larger and larger, which caters for an unforgettable experience. Most of the inflatable anal plugs are waterproof, which means that you can use them while taking a nice, long bath.

Nipple suckers

We don’t really know what your favorite thing to suck on is, but you can certainly find something to suck your nipples even if you have no one at home but yourself. A nipple sucker is a great toy for solo play, and it’s so versatile as anyone can use them, regardless of gender. Even Cosmopolitan wrote about them! It doesn’t matter if you’re into BDSM, piss, vanilla sex, you-name-it – you will find a nipple sucker quite handy when you’re home alone and want some alone action. On the other hand, it can be used in bed as well – imagine using your mouth and a nipple sucker at the same time on your partner!

A double-ended dildo

There’s nothing kinkier than having a  double-ended dildo and using both of its ends at the same time! This is the type of a sex toy that can be used for solo fun and for fun with someone else, and that’s why it’s magical – the experience is every time different! However, make sure that you go with the dildo of the highest quality as you want it to last longer.

After all, it doesn’t really matter what sex toy you buy as long as you’re satisfied and comfortable playing with it. There are so many amazing opportunities for sex and pleasure, and don’t miss out on them because you’rraid or shy.

#sextoys #lgbtq #queer #buttplugs #dildo #nipplesucker #Australian #PeterMinkoff

For my sex toy reviews, check out this!

bdsm, consent, dating, fantasies, kink, non-monogamy, Open relationships, pro Domme, questions, sex work, sexuality, STI, threesome, tips

So You Want to Try a Threesome…

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One of my favorite old BritComs is Coupling (sort of the British Friends). In one of the episodes the highly sexed Patrick announces that he is going to dump his girlfriend of the moment because she is too naive. She ruled out a threesome at the first mention of one! Patrick insists that threesomes don’t really happen, they are just a fantasy that a woman must prolong up until the point she has a baby.

So, okay, looking beyond the misogynism and stereotypes here, the show does highlight the common fantasy of threesomes and the belief of many people that these are not a thing most people ever get to experience. For many people, threesomes are relegated to the fantasy world of porn or Cinamax and HBO. But wait! They are real and it is possible to have a non-awkward threeway encounter where everyone has fun! (stay with me)

Fantasy vs. Reality

The fantasy threesome as portrayed in most media occurs without much negotiation or thought. Often the third party is a surprise for one of the members of an established couple. After a few initial moments of hesitation, the three people fall into a night of ecstasy. That is not how a good/non-awkward threesome happens.

You need to communicate with your primary partner (the first partner you discuss the threesome with for our purposes) about your needs and desires. If you and your primary partner are actual romantic partners (dating, married, long term relationship) this is especially important. For those of us coming from a monogamous culture, not experienced with polyamory or non-monogamy, we often hold unexpressed expectations around sex which are challenged by a threesome.

If you are in a relationship where you do not discuss sex and sexual needs often, this can be a difficult conversation to have. However, you have to have it in order to have a good threeway.

Don’t expect the first person you think about to join you and your partner to be “the one.” They may be very interested. They may only have expressed interest in one of you. They may not know you think about them in a sexual manner. Avoid objectifying the person you and your primary are fantasizing about in the run up to asking this person. Do not get so involved with your fantasy about this third person you forget they are a person with needs and feelings too!

Set Expectations

Before you approach a third party to join you, work with your primary partner to set expectations and any boundaries you might need. These will vary with every coupling and can change for a couple over time. Are you okay with your partner having oral sex with another person? What about penetrative sex? Will all three of you engage in sexual activities? What about initiating the play? What methods of safer sex will you use, if any?

There are a ton of questions to ask and think about prior to setting up your date. I have included a list of possible questions to talk about at the end of this post.

Also, if this is your first threesome with someone, the sex might not be fantastic. Some people have great chemistry in bed early on in a relationship. Some people need time to warm up. You know your own style. You may know or may not know the style of your other two partners. Think about what happens is the sparks don’t fly. Or if the sparks fly between the other parties but not you. How will you deal with that.

The Third Person

Once you and your primary partner have chosen a third person you will want to engage with, approach that person. You may want to have one of you go out on a date with the third party and bring up the subject. You may know the third person well enough to set it up over text of a phone call. You may be searching for the third party online or looking at hiring a professional.

Make your intentions clear. Hinting around the topic in vague and uncertain terms can lead to mixed signals. At some point you are going to have to say, “Would you like to sleep with me and so-and-so in a threesome” or something to that effect. If you never come out and clearly state your intentions eventually you (and possibly your partner) will simply come off a creepy.

Make sure you indicate if this is just a one-time thing, if you are looking to make an emotional connection as well, if you want an on-going relationship of some kind with the third party, or if you simply got a great referral for a pro and need to set up a night.

The third person is a real person with real feelings. Too often folks looking to explore polyamory as a couple will look for their “unicorn” and the obsession of getting their perfect bisexual woman becomes the nasty habit of unicorn hunting. The problems with unicorn hunting are many and I have said much more in this post.

The Night

So you have found your perfect third person! You have set a time and location. Cool beans. Now you need to get ready.

Depending on the situation and location, you will need to consider some or all of the following:

  1. Do you need to get STI tests prior to the hook-up? If so, you will need to do that at least four days prior to the date.
  2. If you are hosting, do you have clean sheets and towels? Nobody wants your first sexy night together to be shared on sheets filled with cat hair.
  3. Shower, shit and shave. Basically, make sure you take car-e of basic grooming and prep.
  4. Got condoms (or other safer sex stuff)? Make sure you have the necessary safer sex items. This can be condoms, dental dams, lube, safety scissors, gloves, fire exstinguisher and whatever else you will be using.
  5. Water. We all need to hydrate. It is good to have water and possibly other stuff to drink on hand.

Reduce the Awkwardness

Threesomes can feel awkward the first time. Hiring a professional is a great way to make this easier since a pro is used to guiding folks through these big moments. If, however, you are hooking up with a friend, a potential new partner for your burgeoning polyam tribe, or some hottie you have been chatting up on Tindr things may be a bit rocky at first.

Think of hosting a threesome like hosting a dinner party. A little music, a few candles, some good lighting, maybe a light snack will all ease the tension Most people like to chat a bit at first so allow for some conversation.

When you feel the moment is ripe, the person who agreed to initial the threesome should step up and do their job! This generally is something like starting to kiss one person and inviting the other to join you both. If you are in a D/s or other power dynamic, this may be the D-type directing the submissive to start kissing or making out with the third party. This can start with cuddling on a couch with the three of you and allowing hands to start wandering while you all watch the Great British Baking Show (shout out to all of my readers with Paul Hollywood fantasies! I see you!).

Allow the session to progress at its own pace. Do not try and jump immediately to penatrative sex or oral sex. If you know your primary partner generally needs a bit of a warm up, allow for foreplay. Ask your third party for feedback (“does this feel good?”, “Do you want me to play with your breasts more?”, “Your moans are hella sexy! You like that don’t you.”)

Plan for the Worst

Hopefully, and most likely, your night will be wonderful and everyone will leave happy. However, this is not always the case. As with most sexual encounters you should have a plan in place if things go sideways.

If, for any reason, any member of the threesome wants to stop, STOP. This is non-negotiable. If anyone indicates they need what is happening to end immediately, you have to honor that. Period. No room for debate. If you pressure the person to continue or continue after someone has indicated they need to stop it is rape.

Do not count on everyone reaching a climax. The orgasms of the three of you are not the point of the evening. Yes, orgasms are great! However great sex and great threesomes does not require any orgasms happen. If one or more of you are not reaching climax and don’t want to continue the activities, that is perfectly acceptable.

Talk to your partners beforehand how you want to handle bodily fluid contact. You may all be comfortable with barebacking (not using any barrier protection methods). You may decide that one or two or all three of the people have to use some sort of barrier protection. If this is the case, have a plan for what happens if someone who is supposed to use barriers does not. Condoms break and slip off. People toss dental dams to the side. In the heat of the moment someone may decide not to use a barrier. Have a solution in mind for if this happens. (This is why STI tests BEFORE the night are pretty important.)

Afterglow and More…

After all the fun is over, one or two of you will go on your own way. If you have hired a pro, a thank you and a good tip are a great way to end the night! If you are hooking up with a relative stranger on Tindr, some kind words and clarity if you will be in contact with them again is appropriate. If it is a friend or someone in your social circle, plans for the next coffee date or a “See you at the Bon Jovi Cover Band concert” will work. And maybe pay for their Uber.

You and your primary should debrief after the night is over. It may be that night. It may be over breakfast the next morning or sometime in the next week. Talk about what you liked, what you didn’t like and how you feel. Be honest. If you enjoyed the sex but don’t want to repeat the experience, say that. If you are disappointed say that. If you discovered you have a new boundary or are upset about something, be honest with your partner. If you now want to start hosting threesomes every weekend, say that!

Communication after the threesome is as important as it is before one.

Personal Note

I have been a part of a lot of threesomes, foursomes, and more-somes. A few have been hot and wonderfully fun! Most result in average sex and I could take or leave them. A few have ended up poorly. Communication before and after the event is critical.

Over time, I learned what I enjoy and what I don’t enjoy in a 3+ encounter. Communicating that to my partners has helped improve the quality and enjoyment of threesome (or more-somes). They are fun to try and can open up new sexual frontiers (or let you know you are cool not doing one again).

Hope you have a ton of fun at your first menage a trios!

Questions To Think About:

  1. What are your general expectations with a threesome?
  2. Ideally, how would you like to see this to play out?
  3. What type of partner do you see bringing into the threesome? Someone you know? A Stranger? A Pro?
  4. Do you want a longer term connection with the third party?
  5. What types of activities do you want to include? Oral sex? Penetrative sex? Voyeurism? Exhibitionism? Any kinky play or fetish play?
  6. What types of safer sex is important to you? Do you want/need STI tests? Do you need to go buy barriers, gloves, lube, safety scissors, first aid stuff?
  7. What happens if there is a break in a barrier or failure to use one?
  8. How do you feel about your partner climaxing with the third party?
  9. Are there things which are off limits? Use of pet names? Sharing robes/sleepware? Sexual activities? Drinking? Drug use?
  10. Do you want to have dinner or drinks before the event? Where will this happen?
  11. Who is responsible for talking to the third party about what you want in the threeway?
  12. Who will initiate foreplay or sex during the encounter?
  13. Practical considerations: finding a baby sitter, clearing the house, changing the sheets (basically a chore list)
  14. Check in with how each of you are feeling about the threesome after talking through these questions.

#threesome #menageatrois #groupsex #polyamory #safersex #sextips #hookups #prostitute #condoms #kink #bdsm #tips

body positive, dating, intimacy, LGBT, sex positive, sex toys

10 Things Every Bottom Should Know

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Guest Post by Peter Minkoff (Homo Culture Magazine)

*This article is written mostly for gay men but has great advice for anyone engaging in anal sex!

Two white gay men holding each other.

Is there anything that a bottom doesn’t know? Well, technically, yes. Without generalization (but even if we do generalize just a little bit, you probably won’t get offended as we trust in your great sense of humor), bottom gay guys are the ones who are always extremely funny, they tend to know everything about all the feuds and celebrity scandals and beef, know who’s doing whom (is Shawn Mendes doing Camilla, though?), but do they know everything about sex and bottoming? Perhaps yes, perhaps no. But, just to be on the safe side, take a look at the 10 things that every single gay person who’s into bottoming or thinking about it should know:

1. Clean yo’self

This goes without saying, and it is definitely the first thing that every gay guy should learn, may he be a bottom or a top. Cleaning yourself is the number 1 rule of personal hygiene, and it is important to know how to properly douche yourself. This can be done in the comfort of your own bathroom, which might involve some mess and a lot of spilled water, but this is the only way to know that you are 100% clean and ready to take it.

2. Watch what you’re eating

On the actual day of your sex date, do not overeat and don’t eat junk food at all. Rather, try to find some foods that are digested easily so they leave no debris in your body. After this, douche yourself properly (as rule #1 states) and you will be ready to go.

3. Relax

Once you get ready physically, it is time to get ready mentally for the penetration process (this way it sounds more medical!). If you are bottoming for the first time, then this might seem easier said than done, and guess what – you are right. You will be quite nervous before the actual moment, and it will probably hurt a bit, but the most important thing is to make it through that first wave of pain, take a deep breath, relax your muscles and you will see the difference. Know that the first time is always the most difficult one.

4. Think of sex toys

Bottom gays tend to be kinkier and kinkier these days, which is definitely not a bad thing. Seeing people become more open towards new things and trying out as many things as possible is an incredible thing. This is why opting to experiment with different sex toys is a great idea. However, bear in mind that you should know what sex toys you want to experiment with, and don’t do this during your first time bottoming as it might be overwhelming.

5. Be a power bottom

Everyone loves a good power bottom, so being one has to be your priority, at least from time to time. The bottom line is (pun intended), you need to know how to be a good power bottom. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to be submissive, and your top should not be always in control of you. You can dictate the pace and the actual position, so know how to tame that penis.

6. Ride your man in different positions

Changing positions is a must. Nobody likes vanilla sex, so it should come as an imperative for you to master as many different positions as you can, and to change them during sex. After all, this is what will keep your sex life more interesting and your man more interested in you and what you have to offer. Learn and research all the different ways you can ride your man, so think of it as a rodeo practice. You can literally mess with his head if you want to.

7. Bring everything

This is one of the most confusing questions in the life of the gays – who brings what. Who will bring the condoms and who will bring the lube? Just to be on the safe side, make sure to bring everything. Why not? After all, you never know when you will need both of these things.

8. Be proud

It happens very often that bottoms feel insecure only because most of the tops look amazing and are very handsome and fit. The truth is that the key to being a successful bottom is to love your body and to accept it just as it is. Take your insecurity and make it your weapon. Make it the thing people love about you. If you show insecurities in bed, you will be perceived in a completely different light than the one you would want to.

9. Don’t act like someone you’re not

This is very close to the previous thing, but there are plenty of guys who simply act like something they’re not. It is completely understandable that nowadays, bottom gay guys think they’re less of a man than anyone else, and they tend to act in a masculine way. Know that this is not the thing that you should be doing. This is a matter of taste – some people love masculine bottoms, others love feminine bottoms, so there is really no reason for you to be someone you’re not.

10. Speak your mind

Finally, always say what is on your mind. Talk dirty from time to time – everyone loves that. At other times, state when it’s uncomfortable for you. If it is too fast, say it. If it is too slow, say that as well. This is not only important so that your partner knows if he is doing something wrong, but because sex should be a great thing for both of you, and if you are not having a good time, say it.

One would say that bottoming is an easy task, but honey, how wrong they would be! Bottoming is a skill that one has to master, and it does require just a bit of reading and experimenting. Good luck!

Peter a sex and dating columnist for TheHomoCulture magazine. Follow Peter on Twitter for more tips.

bdsm, consent, culture, intimacy, kink, sex positive

Sexier Sex? Plan for it!

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I can remember the first time I read Macho Sluts by Pat Califia. While all the sex was really hot, a few of the stories stood out because the characters planned scenes. This was not the sex I saw anywhere else in the world.

Like most folks, the sex I saw was the sex on movies and televisions. It was always unplanned. Great sex was supposed to be spontaneous. Characters never talked about desires or needs. There was never any planning. There was rarely any birth control!

Some of the sex in Macho Sluts was just the opposite of everything else I saw. Characters planned scenes. One story even involved a character consulting with a dungeon mistress and planning an elaborate scene for a partner which involved multiple people. The planned sex scenes were the hottest and most elaborate.

I walked away from the first reading of this book both well-satisfied and loving the idea that you could plan for sex.

Planning sex is actually a relatively radical act in western culture. People who plan for sex- even if it is as simple as making sure there are condoms, lube, or other safer sex items- are often portrayed as “sluts” or “whores” or “perverts.” Planning for sex, even if it is to make it safer for everyone involved, is rarely portrayed as a healthy part of sexuality.

Get Comforatable With Planning Sex

The first obstacle to planning for sex is to get over the idea that you are somehow “gross” or overly sexual. If you weren’t lucky enough to grow up in a sex positive environment or as part of the kink community, how do you get comfortable planning for sex?

Look at sex like making dinner for your date. If you had someone over for dinner you would probably make a menu, go to the grocery store to shop, prep some food, set the table, and have something cooking by the time the date got there, right? If we portrayed the best dinners as your date shows up and you look in the fridge and then do your version of Chopped it would seem ridiculous, right? Serving a mustard and tuna sandwich with a side of coconut water would not be seen as the “ultimate feast” but rather the results of not planning anything. Not planning for sex leaves you with the mustard and tuna sandwich of sex.

Tips for Planning Sex

Planning for sex can be simple or elaborate, depending on what you are trying to do! There are a few things to take into consideration when you plan for sex.

Safety First!

I always start with what I need to be safe! This includes barrier protections (condoms, dental dams, gloves), appropriate lubricants (consider allergies, types of play, toys), and safety gear for BDSM play (safety scissors, a first aid kit). Having all of these easily available during your encounter will make things go smoothly!

Planning the Scene

Depending on the type of play you are interested in your prep will vary widely. Some general steps for sex prep include making sure your sheets are clean (if planning to use the bedroom) or that you have a blanket or something to lay on in other rooms. Depending on what furniture you are playing on, plastic sheets may be appropriate.

Other preparation means thinking through what you and your date(s) want to do. Do you need various sex toys? If so, are they clean? Do you need to sanitize your dildoes and butt plugs? Do you need to clean your whips and floggers? If so, get scrubbing!

If you are planning suspension scenes, do you have hard points to secure your bottom? Are you using portable equipment? Have you tested it to make sure all the bolts are tight? Are your ropes clean and untangled?

The more elaborate the scene, the more planning and prep will be involved. If you are playing at home, you have more time and flexibility in preparation. If you are playing at a dungeon they will most likely have the equipment set up and ready to go. However, if you need special equipment or are unsure what they have available, it is worth a call or email to the dungeon master to make sure what you need will be available.

Consent

It is always important to double check consent before doing a BDSM scene. Your date(s) may have previously agreed to the scene, but you should still check in on the day of the scene. This can be as simple as asking, “Do you still want to do this?” before you begin.

Even if your sex is relatively vanilla, if there is any question about consent, you should ask for clarification. You can make consent sexy by asking something like, “Would you like me to kiss your belly, thighs and then go down on you until you quiver and call my name?” Find a way to make it fun!

Romancing It

Planning for sex is actually romantic. It is a way of signaling to your partner(s) that you have spent time thinking about them in a sexy way and planning to make them happy. Planning for safety signals you care about the health and safety of your partner. Even if the sex is simply a one night stand, having things planned out says you care a bit about the person.

Don’t get me wrong, spontaneous sex can be fun. However, taking the time to plan a scene will almost always improve sex. The time you spend thinking through what you want to do and what you need to do it allows for more elaborate sex (if you want it too) and helps make sure you have what you need for a safe and sexy time!

#sex #sextips #romance #relationships #kink #bdsm #scenes #safersex #ropeplay #safesex

bdsm, fantasies, kink, Porn, sex toys, tips

Add a Buzz to Your Sex Life: Introducing Toys

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The first time I ordered a sex toy I was 19. It was a vibrator from Good Vibrations in San Francisco. I can remember not knowing really what I wanted but scanning their pages for days until I got up the courage to place an order.

The first time I went into a sex shop it was also in San Francisco in the Castro district. I went in to peruse with a friend who ended up leaning on a massive carved dick accidentally while the shop owner asked if he was looking for VHS cleaner. We were very confused why someone would need VHS cleaner from a sex shop. Oh so young an naive!

Now, I walk into the stores to chat with friends, see what they carry, and look for new and unusual toys with the same feeling I have walking into a book shop. But it took time to get there. If you are new to the whole sex toy thing, here are some tips!

Getting Everyone On Board

So, you want to add a toy or two to your sexy time? Yay!!!! I am all about the toys. However not everyone is so fond of incorporating non-flesh attachments into sex. In fact, there are a lot of people who are really uncomfortable with sex toys! My current partner is one of those people

Before you bring new toys into your play, talk to your partners to see how they feel about toys. Some people will be all excited and gung-ho to go. Others may be tentative. Some may be outright opposed. Find out where they stand before you show up with a new toy.

How do you do this? Ask. Its pretty simple. Depending on your communication style and level of comfort, you can simply ask during a conversation how your partner feels about adding a toy. Or text. Or email. Or however you clearly communicate. The more specific you are, the better. Asking “how do you feel about sex toys” may get a different response than “How would you feel about using nipple clips on me next time we have sex?”

Many men, especially heterosexual men, often find vibrators and dildos a turn off during sex. Even my partner sees them as competition (you can hear him talk about it here). He is much less opposed to things like ropes, handcuffs, feathers, and sensation toys. Being specific about what I want to bring into our intimate time helps me gauge how he feels about a suggestion.

If your partner is opposed, respect that. This is something they are not ready for. If you feel up to it, you may want to explore where the resistance is coming from. Ask what is it about toys in general or a specific type of toy the oppose. Many times I have found a person may have a general opposition to sex toys because of stigmas but are okay with specific types of toys. If they are open to a specific type of toy this is a position to begin negotiating so both of your needs get met. If they are against all toys, you may have to forgo the use with that partner until they change their mind (which may never happen).

As with anything related to sex, if your partner is not okay with sex toys and have not consented to using them, respect that boundary. Cajoling or trying to shame them into using a toy is an asshole move. If using a toy is important to you, have the conversations you need to find out what the objection is and if there is a way to find a compromise.

Selecting a Toy

Once your partner is on board with adding toys the fun begins! You need to figure out what toys will work for you. Now you get to enter the overwhelming world of gadgets, gizmos and doohickies designed to add to your sex life!

Fantasies: Some of us have fantasies around a specific type of toy. It may be a fantasy of being penetrated vaginally while wearing a butt plug or it could be wearing a cock ring during a blow job. Or anything really. If you have had a fantasy that includes a toy, this is a great place to start!

Specific Stimulation: If you are just curious about toys in general but don’t have a fantasy to go off of, start by thinking about what stimulates you during sex. Are your nipples highly sensitive? Do you like a little light spanking and crave more? Do you enjoy surprises? Things that get you hot and bothered can give you clues to the toys to explore.

If you really enjoy nipple play, things like nipple clips and clamps, suction devices, and sensation toys (eg., fur mitts, feathers) can all be used for stimulation during sex. If you enjoy penetration, dildos and ass toys can be a good place to start. If you like the feeling of being out of control or surprised, consider a blindfold or handcuffs.

Porn: If you watch porn look at the toys they use which excite you. Do you find yourself drawn to porn where someone uses a bunch of clothespins? Do you enjoy cock and ball torture porn? Does pegging intrigue you? Those are all clues as to what toys you may want to start with!

Research

There are more options for sex toys than the mind can fathom! Want a dildo? They range in size from very small to things that verge on being traffic cones. Colors? Any you can imagine! Materials? Silicone, crystal, rocks, wood, glass, metal, and more! Realistic or fantastical? Smooth or bumpy? Can you freeze it or heat it for play? Sometimes, yes! Seriously, the options are pretty endless.

Take some time to look at toys and read reviews. There are a bunch of amazing toy reviewers on line. Here are a few of my favs:

Kinkly Sex Toy Guide Hey Epiphora

SugarButch A Submissive’s Initiative

Cara Sutra My own reviews, of course

Get a general idea of what you think you might like, then go shopping!

Get Out of the House!

I am a huge fan of good brick and mortar stores. A good proprietor and knowledgeable staff are worth more than most online reviews. They can help you find something close to what you are looking for, make recommendations, advise on use and any possible health concerns, and help you pick toys that are right for you.

Most medium and large cities in the US now have decent sex shops. Look for one locally owned and operated. If they offer sex ed classes and community events, its a pretty good bet they have knowledgeable staff. Avoid the cheap chains that will sell any old thing regardless of body safety.

If you don’t have a good shop to get too, check out reputable sex educators and reviewers online. They will link you to the good spots to buy your stuff so you don’t get some janky toy that will give you a UTI.

Clean It

So you have your new toy at home! Now unwrap it and clean it. Like everything made in factories, it isn’t ready to be used until its cleaned. Boil most dildos in hot water or soak in a 10% bleach solution and then rinse well and allow to air dry. Same with butt plugs and other insertables. Wipe down nipple clips and other external devices with alcohol swabs or toy cleaner before use. Make sure your new purchase is ready to go!

Play With It

Depending on what you bought, there may be instructions. If so, read them. Some of the new toys out there are quite complicated. Some are pretty self explanatory.

Don’t assume you know how it works! Sure, some toys are pretty self explanatory. However, there are a lot that it is worth reading about the proper use. Any of the blogs mentioned above have various tips on toy use. You can also check out things like on-line pegging instructions, proper preparation for butt play, and information on how long you can leave nipple clips on without causing damage to them.

Once it is clean and ready, use your toy! Hopefully it adds a bunch of fun to your next sexy time. If not, think about what didn’t work for you. Did it not fit right? Was it hard to turn on? Did it feel awkward to use with a partner? Did you find it became a distraction?

Sometimes it just takes practice to get a toy to work for you. Sometimes the fantasy was better than the reality. Either way, you know what you like or don’t like about a given toy. So now, on to your next fun adventure!

bdsm, comedy, intimacy, kink, sex positive, sexuality

Adult Playtime: Adding Games to Your Love Life

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One of the things I have always loved about BDSM and kink is the value it puts on play. Kinky folks call all the different activities we do a form of play: impact play, fire play, electric play, and so on. While our relationships are serious and often very structured, many kinky folks have a deep respect for play.

Because I had the luck and joy of connecting with the kinky world shortly after I hit puberty it took me a long time to realize how many adults take sex deadly seriously. Sex for many, many people is treated like some sort of competition or something to be perfected. Laughing, being silly, or just goofing off is treated as somehow antithetical to sex.

Honestly though, sex is hella goofy! Sure, some can be serious. Some can be deep moments of intimacy. But so much sex is just fun and downright funny. And we need to respect the fun in sex.

I had a partner years back. He fancied himself some great D-O-M. He was mostly using the title to be an excuse to be a dick. I was young, I was newer to kink, I didn’t see this immediately. He had a daddy fetish in that he desperately wanted all his partners to call him daddy. This isn’t my thing. I find it off-putting as the last person I want to conjure up during sex is my father but hey, in the name of being a good sub, I would try it.

One day we were fucking. He was going all in, trying to to the deep, fast thrusting thing. Yelling “call me Daddy you little slut!” Vein bulging between his brows, he thrust his hips hard, I heard my bed frame crack, we fell to the floor and I burst out laughing. As he lay on his back on top of a broken bed, bald head covered in beads of sweat, hard-on beginning to look like the leaning tower of Pisa, I couldn’t stop cracking up. He was deeply offended that I found any humor in this. I was confused how he could not.

We broke up less than two months after that incident.

Injecting play and humor into your sex life can liven it up and keep you going. There is no reason to take every sexual encounter seriously. In fact, making every intimate exchange serious takes the fun and pleasure out of it. When sex is always high stakes and serious, you are going to not want to do it when you are not rested or not in the best of moods, or haven’t showered and shaved in two day.

Think about that friend you have who always wants to talk about how to reform America and solve the world’s problems when you go out. Sure, they may be great to talk to at times and have brilliant ideas. But there are plenty of nights where you will turn down an invitation because you just don’t have the energy to listen to them go on about the plight of the homeless or the problem with an all-out ban on single use plastics. If sex is always serious, it is like your overly political friend with no sense of humor.

So, if you are one of those millions and millions of people who see sex as serious how do you start to inject a little play and fun into your world? Well, dear reader, I have a few suggestions below.

Pervert Board Games

Most of us have some board game laying around the house. If you don’t your local Target or Wal-Mart or any mega store will have a bunch (as well as many of your favorite online retailers). Chose a game you used to enjoy playing. It is helpful to start with one you have fond memories of and one that doesn’t take all night to play.

Next, create a sexy rule or two that fits with the game. Here are a bunch of suggestions but feel free to create your own rules that fit your personality.

Operation: Every time your partner fails to remove a piece from the board without buzzing, you get to tell them to do something sexy (and vice versa). For instance, you can ask for a kiss or make them take off a piece of clothing.

Sorry! Every time a player gets sent back with a “sorry” move, they have to take off clothing. Once their clothing is gone, they have to kiss another player and cannot repeat a kiss on the same body part.

Uno! Every time a player plays a Draw 4 card, they can reduce the number of cards they have to draw by stripping. For example, if they take off both socks, then they only have to draw two cards.

Game of Life: Every time a player gets a “child” they must describe the sexual situation that lead to the “pregnancy.”

Trivial Pursuit: Every time a player fails to answer a question correctly in the game, the other player gets to ask them a sexually related question.

Twister: Do this naked (of course). Add sexy difficulty by lubing up a body part or two (though avoid hands and feet for safety reasons).

Darts: Place small pieces of paper in the spaces on the dart board. The winner of the game gets to collect the papers they hit and make up a sexy scenario.

Monopoly: Let’s be honest- only sadists enjoy this game. It makes the rest of us cry.

Commit to Something Other Than Orgasm

Most of us learn about sex in ways that place orgasms front and center as the “goal” of sex. This often leads to frustration (especially for people with vulvas) and a “nose to the grindstone” seriousness about getting to come. It also tends to make people who cannot climax or who take a long time to climax feel bad about their sexual capacities.

It can be very difficult to get people to change sexual behaviors away from making it all about the orgasm. I have found that even when I have talked to partners about needing to be less climax focused, admitting when I do not climax with them, and getting comfortable with sex being about something other than orgasm, it is still difficult to get minds to shift.

So… if you are the one committing to this, there are a few tricks that are incumbent on you. First, you have to break up the routine. Many people have a sex trajectory. Kissing to making out to sex to climax. They literally treat sex like baseball. Once you have passed second base you go on to third. If you try to go back to second someone yells at you that you are going the wrong way!

But sex isn’t baseball. You can hit third base before first, return to first base all night long, pass home and round the bases again. Any combination of bases and even visiting the outfield and concession stand during a game is totally acceptable. Breaking up the sex trajectory will often throw a partner out of their expected rhythm. It may take some coaching to get them to loosen their flow. Ultimately though it can make sex less goal oriented and add more fun to your intimate encounters.

Talk and Add Jokes

Many of us get all serious when we are about to get intimate. Talk goes from relaxed and free flowing conversation to stilted bursts of, “How does this feel,” “To the left,” and “You are on my hair.” We lose our capacity to make rational, fun adult conversation when we take our clothes off.

It takes practice to talk while initiating sex. But… once you get it down it can be a ton of fun! Now I love saying dumb and silly things to get partners in the mood.

Try Word Play

I’m a writer and nerd-adjacent so I like to make nerd jokes before sex. A couple of weeks ago my partner and I were laying in bed. We were talking about a recent podcast we had worked on where a lot of folks had talked about Star Trek. I started kissing him on the chest and shoulders as we talked. Eventually I said, “Hey, should I put on a red shirt, you can set your phaser to stun, and blast me before we have to leave to do laundry?” The bad joke worked to get his drawers off.

Pretty much anything that will make you and your partner laugh can be used to relax both of you and make both people more amenable to sex. Laughter releases happy hormones and loosens our bodies. It is a great way to get people more open to sex (I say this with authority as a performing comic… comics are awesome fluffers).

Bottom Line

Introducing play and fun into your sex life will vastly improve it. Making it less serious and less high stakes takes the pressure off to perform all the time. You can still have the sexy, romantic nights. You can still have deep intimacy with a partner. You don’t have to laugh 100 percent of the time. But enjoy loosing up and having some fun with your sex.

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