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Of all sex practices, BDSM might just be the most misunderstood. Many people associate it with extremes, believe it inflicts emotional or physical harm, or see it as something that’s abnormally perverse, beyond kinky. However, beginners need to understand that all of these views are exaggerated.
BDSM incorporates the categories of dominance/submission, bondage/discipline, and sadism/masochism. As long as you’re able to discuss boundaries with your partner, this practice can be quite safe – and quite enjoyable.
While BDSM does involve accessories and sometimes costumes, they don’t appear right at the start. Here are some tips to help you and your partner get going as beginners.
Prepare
Unlike general sex, this practice takes some preparation. It’s important to be cautious and proceed with care as BDSM can include activities that are risky, intimidating, and unfamiliar. As tempting as it may be to attempt to reenact a Fifty Shades scene, it’s not a good idea. When you prepare for your encounter well, it will have an empowering and highly pleasurable effect.
Educate
Good preparation starts with educating yourself. The scenes you’ve seen in porn movies are too extreme and often inaccurate. There are many online resources, but weeding out the bad can be quite time consuming. There are some reliable ones here.
Take the time to read up on this practice and watch educational videos. These are not porn videos and they’re not necessarily arousing. For example, they might involve learning about the right way to do bondage with step by step instructions.
The Three Categories of BDSM
A beginner’s education should start with the three categories we listed above. In a BDSM relationship, one partner is the dominant and the other is the submissive. The dominant takes control and the submissive relinquishes it. Submission and dominance can be physical, emotional, or both. You can play out this dynamic during sex as well as outside the bedroom. It’s best to limit it to sexual acts if you’re beginners though.
Bondage can include accessories like ropes, handcuffs, or blindfolds. The practice of discipline involves training the submissive partner to do certain things or obey rules.
Finally, the category of sadism and masochism involves painful acts. Deriving pleasure from pain, either yours or the other person’s, is the focal point here. Many people who engage in these practices feel empowered by overcoming a difficulty. If sado-maso is something you want to try, you must put in a lot of effort into communicating openly and setting boundaries.
Bring in the Props
Some practitioners will argue that BDSM is as exciting as it is because of the toys. Browse a few websites or go to a sex shop in the area with your partner and pick up something that intrigues you. You could go for chains, ropes, nipple clamps, paddles, whips, handcuffs, or another accessory to help you assume the roles you’ve agreed on. There are also many starter kits which include many of these props as well as others. Their usefulness for beginners is what they all have in common.
Communicate
As BDSM typically involves relinquishing control, it’s all about communication and trust. You and your partner need to talk about what arouses you, what you want, and what your boundaries are. This conversation should be open and honest. As we communicate empathy through eye contact, you have to have this talk in person. This is imperative before any sexual act in general, but especially BDSM.
When you talk, be as specific as possible about your likes and dislikes. For instance, the thought of being handcuffed might make you anxious. By all means tell them you don’t want to be handcuffed if that’s the case. If they insist, don’t go with it. As you actually get into the thing, you’ll start feeling worse and worse about it instead of better. Don’t deceive yourself and be open about your anxiety about this kind of restraint in advance. Otherwise, it’ll ruin everything for both of you.
Likewise, tell them about what excites you, like being blindfolded or being walked on a leash. Don’t be shy. BDSM is all about fulfilling your sexual needs.
Pick the Right Spot
The choice of setting is also important when it comes to BDSM. You don’t have to go with your bedroom, although you can if you want. You can reserve a special room for it or even book a hotel room. For some beginners, a new place works better because it’s easier to adopt a different persona.
Come up With a Safe Word
Meme jokes aside (“safe word is flower but they keep saying flour”), it can happen that people will take something too far, be they beginners or experienced in BDSM. If either of you feels the other person is crossing a boundary, you must have a word to keep unwanted things from happening. Choose a word that you typically wouldn’t use in the bedroom, like “hippopotamus” or “utility”. Don’t hesitate to say this word and listen carefully for it.
Once someone says or hears the word, you both need to stop what you’re doing. The game is over when it becomes clear things have gone too far. If you are the submissive, your partner must ask how you are and stand by you. In case they didn’t understand, you must explain why you said the safe word. If you are the dominant, you should likewise support your partner and hear them out.
Introduce Non-verbal Cues
If you want to be extra safe – which is important for everyone who’s new to BDSM – think of a non-verbal cue in case the safe word fails for some reason. It might be nudging your partner twice in the ribs or pulling their arm. You can also have cues to share that you’re enjoying a scene.
The dominant should check in with the submissive now and then. For example, ask if they’re OK, check their skin for excessive redness if you’ve been spanking them, and make sure their circulation isn’t obstructed.
Take It Step by Step
If you’ve been enthusiastic about trying BDSM for some time, you might be tempted to try everything at once and as soon as possible. Take your time and try things one by one. BDSM practices are constantly increasing in number and you and your partner can have as many rounds as you want.
Admittedly, the aspects of BDSM can be overwhelming. Experts recommend taking your kinkiest fantasy and breaking it down into parts. Let’s say being spanked and tied up in public excites someone. They could try each of the three elements – having sex outdoors, being tied up, and being spanked – separately and at different times.
If sex in public is your fantasy, you could start in the backyard, a balcony, or another semi-public place. Excessive novelty can become overwhelming to the point where you can’t get aroused.
Take It Slow
Going slowly is important to avoid slipups. You might find some things too rough and unenjoyable. The more you do, the more you learn, and this is especially true for beginners. While it rarely happens for someone to suffer beyond what was agreed on, avoiding this risk is essential. If you’re the dominant, shouldering the responsibility goes with the role. Check in with your partner regularly to avoid breaching their boundaries.